Finding disturbing search history. very scared

[rockandhardplace]

I think I have confirmed once and for all that I am dealing with an uNPDh (hope I got acronym right!) I've suspected for a few years but actually hoped he was just abusive. But I've just had a series of insane projections from him - calling me the abuser, abuse has to stop, my behaviour is not normal, I have a psychological problem but no therapist could help because I think it's other people. This was over a series of emails, him making an accusation (projection) and me asking what he means (what am i doing that you consider abuse?), he responds with your behaviour is abnormal (what behaviour are you talking about?), then I suggest he might benefit from seeing a therapist and that's when I'm told I'm in denial that I have a problem. I could probably find a hundred other emails / texts that go like this but this time I took his projections head on and noticed as he deflected to a new projection.
But to my reason for this post. He's insanely angry that I went back to uni after 11 years as stay home mum. It suited him really well for me to be home (and helped with isolation and control), I was always going to go back to uni, but things between us got really bad just before I started and the better my results are and the closer I get to finishing - and leaving him - the more angry he gets. I found a search on our computer "court order to make someone work". There's no financial need for me to work. He gets paid 3 figure salary and we have no mortgage on our house, but I think he's convinced himself that our whole family dysfunction is because I don't have a job.  I should be job ready early 2023, I'm more than 2/3 of the way through and yet his anger has got worse and worse. But after these latest projections I just found a new search "what is a sociopath?" "how to trick a hypochondriac" he's always been convinced that I'm a hypochondriac - even told me I overreacted to having cancer. "are hypochondriacs self aware", "are hypochondriacs sociopaths?". Has he literally driven me insane or can other people see that he is desperately trying to find a psychological diagnosis that he can pin on me so he can keep believing that he's perfect??
I find this level of disordered thinking so scary. We have 3 kids together. He's already denigrated me so much to my eldest that he damaged our relationship before I could see what he was doing I'm so scared about what kind of lies and twisting of things he will tell to them when we separate and he projects himself as perfect dad so my poor kids could end up alienated from me and him as their only guide in life.
Sorry I'm new to this site, not sure this is right place, but I'm so freaked out.

[1footouttadefog]

Welcome.  That is alot to sort out.

I can relate to having educational opportunities sabotaged.  It took me for ever to realize this was happening.  It was hard to believe that someone I loved and who was supposed to live me would quit his job when I was knee deep in assignments, labs and exams. 

Or that the strips of paper with citations for references in a paper I was writing we considered trash and swept from my desk into a waste can while I was working. 

At some point I realized my marriage would likely not last.  I left a job and went back to school to finish my degree.  I worked oart time and went to school part time and had a locked study and computer room.  This went okay for a time , however my first child came and I changed directions.  It seemed okay he came back around and was his old self again for a while then his mental health has gone south ever since.

Don't under estimate what these things mean.  I encourage you to find the traits list on this site in the tool box area.  I marked which ones we each do habitually and those we do occasionally.  I also noticed which I did in response to other abuse.  I decided to own my part of things and silently work on my share so I would know I had done my part.  In the mean time ai because aware of many types of abuse I was living with and the degree of character issues my spouse has. 

Those search results are interesting they could mean several things.  He could be recognizing his own mental illness then projecting it into you.  Regardless you have alot to unpack.  There are "rules" and "tools"on this website that will help you.

I will offer that diagnosing him is not important.  Just understanding there is an issue is enough. What matters is the abuse you are living with.  Abuse is abuse regardless of who is doing it.

[notrightinthehead]

In addition to the good advice you have been given above - it really helped me when I stopped thinking so much about him and his strange behaviour and focussed on myself. What I could do to protect myself. What would make my life better now. What I could do to improve the relationship with the kids, teach them strategies to protect themselves from his abuse,  and role model healthy behaviour for them.
And my mantra - observe,  don't absorb - taken from one of the many helpful posters on YouTube with whatever he did.  I went into spectator mode and used medium chill and non JADE daily.
Welcome to this supportive and informative site! I am glad you found us and sorry you had to.  Good luck with your studies.

[rockandhardplace]

Thanks, I'm sure he is projecting his pathologies onto me, but when I think of projections I think of an in the moment defence mechanism, not actually yelling abuse at your partner and then calling them the abuser or having fits of rage and your partner suggesting talking to someone about your anger and rage and feeling that they must be crazy if they think you are feeling angry. I won't do this anymore, but I had been itemising the ways his behaviour is abusive and linking him to domestic violence resources for men to seek help. His reaction is always more abuse. The only time he ever addressed anything was saying "I might've been angry but only cus you were exploiting me", referring to me going back to study, as planned, when our youngest started school. It's like when I said how hurtful saying I overreacted to cancer was. I was so lucky, thyroid removed and take replacement meds rest of my life, but initially my biopsy was very uncertain - either fairly benign or 50/50 survival. His reaction was to double down and tell me I should never have had my thyroid removed, it wasn't a serious cancer. But this time it's more deluded - he can't even accept his anger, everything is 100% my fault. I just can't get my head around it. I read and reread our emails  to see if there's any basis to his accusations - but their not just baseless they are literally just him parroting what I've said to him  - no empathy, no self awareness, no care, abusive behaviours except he can't describe what I'm doing cus he's talking about what he does to me??  I've read so much about domestic abuse in the last few years and without  a PD holding them to account can help, but even when it doesn't there is the "see what you made me do" reaction not actually thinking they are the victim. The things he says I no longer think this is a conscious control thing and especially him trying to diagnose me with the mental disorder, but this is far more scary as there is literally no chance of ever reasoning with him.  Do they remember what they project?? Do they not see how they make no sense?? He has a really well paid job, he's not stupid.
Each time I do learn something new about his twisted mind. Like him storing up attack / avoidance material for the right time. Years ago before things got really bad I sent him this really long email about how I was feeling about things between us. I knew he hated those but at the time I just thought we had communication issues so after a narc rage and I'd be left stunned and withdrawn I would put in an email all the things I never got to say while he was yelling at me. So that one time I remember he replied "Looks like reorganisation at work, redundancies, I'll read email later" of course he never did. He did not happen to find that out that day it was just held onto until a convenient moment of leverage against my needs. This latest time I didn't bite when he made some disgusting comment about me in relation to my family. So the next day he started a new email with a sarky comment about my course length, which now I realise I didn't need to respond to. But if I hadn't would there have been another different attempt the next day?
Sorry for the ramble, I realise this is more like a diary - just getting it all out as they are all too different to predict. I will keep exploring the resources but right now I just feel pretty hopeless. I woke up about a week ago feeling this glimmer of hope for an escape, what can he read my mind???

[notrightinthehead]

Never mind the ramble. You are feeling bad and you just let it out. When you read through it again, you might realize that your mind is on him, what he does, what he says, what he thinks all the time. You even link him to pages about abusive behaviour!  Sounds to me that you want HIM to change. Once you give up that hope your view of your situation will become clearer. He is how he is. He shows you how he is. Maybe you could try to accept that.

[rockandhardplace]

Sorry I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. I sent him links to DV websites that list all of the abusive behaviours that he engages in because they are abusive. He may have a PD but he is also an abusive person. I've listened to stories about men being alerted to the fact that their behaviour is abusive who have recognised it in themselves and worked to make changes. I know that is actually rare, but some people don't realise their behaviour is abusive. This is why I listed his actual behaviours, not how I feel or how it's impacted me, but the actual behaviour. Yelling an inch from my face is abusive. Calling me names is abusive. What I'm really scared about is the level of projection I'm seeing now that I've pushed him. I know people can say horrible things when they are angry, but I could never use the language he uses towards me to anyone, not even him, not even in my own head. You know when people like brene brown talk about negative self talk and she says "i'm thinking these horrible things about myself - I'm useless or something and I realise I would never say those words to another person" and I can't access my own inner critic to work on her because for the last 16 years he's been subtly chip chip chipping away at my self esteem. When I started to realise he was the problem not me, his abuse went from subtle emotional abuse to full on verbal nasty name calling. I can't get my head around someone using the words he uses to describe me. I am trying to accept that he won't change, but I'm still grappling with the fact that he's the father to 3 of my children and has absolutely no hesitation to say the most awful things to me. I know the path out is not taking his words personally and digging into older ones I do think he is actually talking about himself and I wonder what will happen to him. If those are his hidden feelings about himself that he projects onto me he must have some inner turmoil and will never have any peace. But his delusion that I am the problem is so strong and he's got all the power as far as money and control that I can't see a future for me and my kids. And then after all this and I'm hiding in my room crying or walking around in a daze feeling hopeless he is back to mr Jolly super dad making things for the kids, joking around with them. Our abuse cycle is me learning something new and disturbing about him and promising myself to not engage ever again, work on myself, then I start to feel better and the tension rises and he baits me or I'm talking to the kids and he butts in and I won't change my view, whatever but he blows up and I discover some new tactic or trigger that I think I can avoid but I never can and I don't know how to escape.

[feralcat]

I'm sorry, but abuse isn't just 'overt'. I.e shouting in one's face etc. It's covert as well. Emotional, coercive , manipulative. These are as damaging , and as long lasting. Partly because the more passive aggressive attacks are confusing. The gas lighting makes you question yourself. You internalise their messages. 'It must be me, mustn't it ?'. The inner voice stays with you, even when they're not.
Victims/survivors question that covert abuse can't be ' real' abuse (sexual, physical etc) . That maybe they don't know what they're doing, that they themselves are victims. Can be enlightened. Saved.

Only they , as adults, can do that. Only we can help ourselves. Only we can take responsibility for ourselves. And act as role models for others , deeply in the FOG. If, and only if, they choose to take notice.

It's hard.

[square]

I agree that your task right now is to abandon all hope of him changing.

I don't have any idea if he cannot change or will not change. But you have tried and tried and tried. And not only has he not changed for the better, he has changed for the worse - weaponizibg your attempts against you.

I recommend that you immediately stop sending him any information on his behavior, stop using any labels on him, etc. He is just turning it all around on you.

Use MC and noJADE. That is part of the process of accepting he will not change.

If MC and noJADE, after a period of time where you learn to implement it and that he also gets used to your change, lead to a situation you can live with, great.

If not, then the solution is not to keep trying to change him - you've already tried as hard as you can that. The only choices are to live with it or leave.

[rockandhardplace]

Thanks to everyone who replied to my freaked out rambles! I wish I'd found this site years ago.

Totally agree that abuse isn't always overt, I actually felt some relief when his behaviour escalated as resolved that ambiguity - is it me? am i being sensitive? what just happened there? why can't we communicate, I must do better, etc etc

I would say that itemising the abusive behaviours may have had some impact - our family situation is still extremely dysfunctional, but he hasn't raged at me in person for a few months and he doesn't talk over me when I'm speaking to the kids all the time now. I can tell he struggles with that - a lot of sighing/grunting instead, one time he nearly knocked his head on the table doing a full head roll grunt. But looking back on the latest emails I shouldn't have brought up his abusive behaviours again. He baited me the day before by accusing me of being a burden to my family (probably part projection as we visited 3 years ago and they hate him for what he's done to me but were instructed by me to be on best behaviour for my kids and my sake). I ignored, but he started a new baiting email. I could've ignored or responded without emotion.  But I totally agree it's not worth bringing it up again, certainly not every time he baits me.

Need to work on my people pleasing and intolerance for unfairness. I think that really triggers me, I've never been able to tolerate name calling or people telling lies, even people exaggerating stories irritate me!

Only 1/4 way through the 100 traits so far. Whoever wrote them is amazing, the emotional abuse page had me in tears, had to take a break, best description I've ever read and I've read many!!

[bat123]

Hi, Rock— it can be a long journey to educate ourselves about abuse, and then to understand our own role as codependent partners.  It has taken me a good ten years to gradually figure it out.  Be kind to yourself as you work through it!  Eventually you'll figure out that you can't change your partner—you can only change yourself and your reactions.  As you get healthier, his hold on you will loosen.  You may even decide to leave at some point.  Keep reading, watching videos, and visiting this forum.  Les Carter's "Surviving Narcissism" series on YouTube is an excellent resource.  We are here to support you!

[Cascade]

They have such a way of messing with minds, and the things they say and do can take up so much space in your head that you can hardly think about anything else. At least that's been the case in my marriage. Something that has really helped me is journaling. I write it down in a password protected app, and it helps me to get my mind off of it, at least to some degree.