Fourteen months out

[GentleSoul]

Hello all

So fourteen months since my husband died following  very long illness he had.  (He was an alcoholic with covert narc traits.  Undiagnosed).

Oh My Goodness, I had no idea how bad it was.  How insane it was living in my home.  Very very hard work and insane. 

The constant conflict he needed to create, the lies, gas lighting, the list goes on and on, as you can all relate to.

It has gradually layer by layer been revealed to me.  A lot of it becomes clear as I spend time with "normal" people.  The contrast is huge.  People who listen and chat gently, not always looking to attack me, I can give opinions, my thoughts.  I am not spoken over.

I do not have to use Grey Rock or Medium Chill.

I really was living in absolute insanity.  It was exhausting.  Drained every part of me.  He was a very mentally sick person indeed.  It got far worse as he aged and as he became more mentally and physically ill.  Me being his caregiver.     It was a slow increase so slow I didn't really see a lot of it.   

So the point of my post to express how things are probably far worse than we can see at the time. 

[SonofThunder]

Hello all

So fourteen months since my husband died following  very long illness he had.  (He was an alcoholic with covert narc traits.  Undiagnosed).

Oh My Goodness, I had no idea how bad it was.  How insane it was living in my home.  Very very hard work and insane. 

The constant conflict he needed to create, the lies, gas lighting, the list goes on and on, as you can all relate to.

It has gradually layer by layer been revealed to me.  A lot of it becomes clear as I spend time with "normal" people.  The contrast is huge.  People who listen and chat gently, not always looking to attack me, I can give opinions, my thoughts.  I am not spoken over.

I do not have to use Grey Rock or Medium Chill.

I really was living in absolute insanity.  It was exhausting.  Drained every part of me.  He was a very mentally sick person indeed.  It got far worse as he aged and as he became more mentally and physically ill.  Me being his caregiver.     It was a slow increase so slow I didn't really see a lot of it.   

So the point of my post to express how things are probably far worse than we can see at the time.

GentleSoul, i SO appreciate these updates and your ability to step outside of yourself and look back on your past in comparison to your healing progress. 

Now that i am separated, your writings are even more of an encouragement for my future healings to begin.  Thank you for continuing to document and share in your progress of healing and your growing awareness of just how deeply you were embedded in the life with a PD. 

I liken these experiences to being in a cult, and the awakenings that occur when people get outside the walls of those cult entrapments. 

SoT

[GentleSoul]

Thank you for your reply, SoT.

I am glad it is of help to you.  I think we recover and heal very slowly.  The trauma we have lived in needs to take a long time.

I can very much feel in my body now that is is at rest.  At peace.  My heart rate, my breathing has slowly a lot, is far deeper.  I noticed I used to breath is a very fast, shallow way for many years as part of living in high alert.

I had noticed the slowing a month or so ago, then a couple days ago I noticed it had further slowed. Feels much more comfortable as time goes on. It is feeling like my body is working as it was meant to rather than being in fight/flight/freeze/fawn. 

I notice tiredness comes along gradually now, my body winds down, no sudden crash.   

I believe I am healing well.  Got my sense of fun, sass back.  You can't banter or have fun with a PD, you get attacked!!

Also reassessing a lot of things I removed from my life as PD husband weaponised them to criticise me.  Lots of things I liked were removed, I am welcoming them back in now as they are part of who I am.

I notice I am attracted good, healthy people as friends now. I had had to clear out all the toxic ones.  Had a period with none, then new people started to flow into my life.   My energy attracts them.

I put in a lot of recovery work each day and am getting really good results and benefits from it.   I think we actively have to put the work in, if not healing will not be full so we won't get the wonderful life we so richly deserve.

[escapingman]

Thank you so much for your updates, really really encouraging to read. I am in the middle of the storm right now and can hardly breath normally.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you so much for your updates, really really encouraging to read. I am in the middle of the storm right now and can hardly breath normally.

Sending gentle supportive hugs to you.  We literally cannot breathe around these people.

[Mintstripes]

Thank you for updating us, GentleSoul. I am so glad to hear you are finding peace now. When PD is normalized around us for many years, we start to forget what peace looks and feels like.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you for updating us, GentleSoul. I am so glad to hear you are finding peace now. When PD is normalized around us for many years, we start to forget what peace looks and feels like.

We do forget.  Since this update, I am feeling even better. 

I notice I am attracting really good people into my life now too. 

Congratulations again on your very happy news, Mintstripes.

[Mintstripes]

Thank you for updating us, GentleSoul. I am so glad to hear you are finding peace now. When PD is normalized around us for many years, we start to forget what peace looks and feels like.

We do forget.  Since this update, I am feeling even better. 

I notice I am attracting really good people into my life now too. 

Congratulations again on your very happy news, Mintstripes.

That's wonderful! You breathe fresh air you never knew existed!

Thank you so much

[GentleSoul]

You are welcome, Mintstripes.

I am loving the fresh air I am now fully able to breathe.  My body so relaxed now and lungs able to breathe easily.

Looking back, my poor body was rigid for years.

[Mintstripes]

You are welcome, Mintstripes.

I am loving the fresh air I am now fully able to breathe.  My body so relaxed now and lungs able to breathe easily.

Looking back, my poor body was rigid for years.

I can relate. I was stressed for years after experiencing life with my FOO. I had some reprieve for about 10 years until I married a PD and was back to living in a prison. I left over 4 years ago. I did develop panic disorder because of all the stress and worry that built up in my life, but I sought medical care. Time helps. Being away from toxic people is life changing.