NC Day 1 - Welp, that escalated quickly

[foobarred]

Thought I would chronicle the first 6 weeks of NC. Have been considering going NC with uPDMom for over a year, but waffled back and forth, struggling with the guilt and the logistics of it all.  I finally wrote her a letter around April 1, basically giving 30 days notice so that she would have time to make alternate arrangements re the dogsbody/whipping boy services I was providing.  May 1, I said, I was going NC.  No reasons given, other than my deteriorating physical and mental health (which was true).

There followed a very painful telephone conversation with tears and recriminations, about how cruel I was and how could I, and that at least I should call her once in a while to let her know I was alive (sniff, sniff).  But she never asked me why, or what did she do, or how we could make this right .  So I caved a bit and changed it to VLC = call her in 3 mos, and block her number otherwise (she calls me multiple times per day if I don't).

Our last conversation was yesterday.  She basically told me to forget the three months, lets end the relationship here and now.  She didn't think it was "proper" that I could call her but she couldn't call me.  So I guess now she doesn't care if I'm alive or not?   It feels like I got dumped, even though I initiated it.

So this was my first day officially NC.  In the days leading up to it I was kind of euphoric - finally there was a light at the end of the tunnel .  Now it feels more like grief.  Not grief for *her* - I don't miss her at all.  I don't think, "Gosh, I wish Mom were here," because I definitely don't.

It's more like grief for the relationship?  The fact that I *had* somebody, even if it was a very toxic somebody.  We talked every day.  Half my life, it seemed, was spent either solving her problems or dealing with her drama.  The other half was spent buried in books to escape.  Without her here there's this huge hole.  Like an almost palpable hole, a ringing emptiness.  Like suddenly finding yourself unemployed, sitting alone at home and wondering how to fill your time.

On the plus side, I don't feel particularly guilty.  That year and a half of waffling, while painful, apparently helped to solidify my thinking.  I think the turning point came when I realized that she *never* loved me.  Her whole thing is that she's poor and pathetic and couldn't *possibly* be expected to care for herself, so everyone else has to do it for her.  So imagine a person like that confronted with an actual baby - it would be like the anti-supply, the opposite of what she craved.  She would've hated me from birth, regardless of what I did or didn't do.  That realization freed me from the loyalty I'd been clinging to, that once she'd loved me and I owed her for that. There was nothing to be loyal to.

Anyhoo, I'll try writing again next Sunday, see how the first week went.

[nanotech]

Hmmm I'm sending you massive hugs, because I know this feeling. All I can say is it will pass- you'll get used to not running around  after her and dealing with her drama.
We miss it to begin with, yet we are also thrilled to be free. Whoop whoop!  It feels weird, yet it's the path to normality and to freedom.
Keep calm, carry on, get going with those books, make new connections. Xx

[NarcKiddo]

Wow. Well done. Stay strong. The horrible, big, first step has well and truly been taken.

[moglow]

Foobarred, sometimes it behooves us to truly listen to what they say [and what they don't], however painful it may be. I look back at mine with so many instances of ridiculous pronouncements that I realize now I was meant to respond to, in precisely the way she wanted me to respond. She expected me to step in and caretake when it wasn't warranted, offered not one whit of help or even support when I needed it.

Problem was, I wasn't invested in the drama of it all.  All of this really kicked in when Dad passed away [25+ years ago] - when she was younger than I am now. In her mind someone had to fill that void and she insisted on it, no attempts on her part to become part of our lives or share them in any way. We were expected to drop everything and take caaaaaaare of her! She wasn't helpless, far from it. But she painted it in her own mind and those of strangers, so my brothers and I were somehow bad guys for not taking care of her.

I think the turning point came when I realized that she *never* loved me.  Her whole thing is that she's poor and pathetic and couldn't *possibly* be expected to care for herself, so everyone else has to do it for her.  So imagine a person like that confronted with an actual baby - it would be like the anti-supply, the opposite of what she craved.  She would've hated me from birth, regardless of what I did or didn't do.  That realization freed me from the loyalty I'd been clinging to, that once she'd loved me and I owed her for that. There was nothing to be loyal to.

My ultimate decision to cease contact with her was like yours, a long time coming. It's still a grieving process, and in spite of her chosen distance it leaves a void that I'm not always sure how to fill. I'd backed off then backed off some more until it was almost a natural step to back away completely. There was no indication that she appreciated or saw me on any level - I was a sounding board, a punching bag, someone one whom she needed to blame everything supposedly wrong with her life. Old as she now is and probably could use some help, she slammed that door pretty hard. I can't imagine it becoming unstuck at this point, there's just no point.

I share all this to tell you - be gentle with yourself through this process. There's definitely a grieving element for me, and it's a struggle to break old habits where she's concerned. I have a strong tendency to isolate but it's as much to recharge from the workweek as anything else. I also bury myself in books, they've always been my escape but I hit walls in my mind where I know I need socialization, even if only banter with waitstaff at a local restaurant or volunteering at animal shelters.

[Hattie]

I broke up with my narc ex because he cheated on me. Then he somehow wooed me into taking him back, at which point he dumped me. So you know that feeling you are having of getting dumped even though you initiated it? Very typical with narcs. Anyway good for you, it's a big change,  so it's bound to take some getting used to

[beacartoonheart]

Sounds to me like you got a free pass, I would however keep her number blocked if you are serious about NC because if your mother is anything like mine after a week of the silent treatment she might try to get involved in your life again as though that conversation and letter never happened. Then will play the victim card to mess with you further. From my experience getting off the roller coaster ride of emotions 7years ago was the best thing for me. Hang in there, stay off the rides and go get yourself some popcorn because you have a hole new life ahead of you to see and experience.
Cheers