How to go NC when you're "in-debt"?

[BefuddledClarity]

** Pseudonyms**

Eldest bro =Yaw
Older bro = Kwasi
Youngest bro = Kofi

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hello...Long time no post...I think?

To start:
I WAS no contact/VERY low contact with my PDmother, but recently got into contact with her maybe last month?

I've been going through a rough patch in my life... I left my very alcoholic & violent PDex in the beginning of one of the winter months after getting evicted [I tried escaping many times, but that saved me...]. But anyways...I digress.

Due to me struggling lately[ex. Housing, in-between jobs, unpaid bills due to PDex never helping, etc], I (stupidly) thought to sought comfort/help from my own PDmother which...makes me feel the opposite of comfortable.

I have been feeling uneasy after talking to her again...

All she does is complain about everyone and everything and it brings my mood down. Also, she's EXTREMELY religious, which I am not, so it irritates me when she brings up god every 10 seconds into a conversation, to show how "great" she is...

Growing up, she was both verbally and physically abusive. She'd slap me in the face and accuse me of loving my friends more than her. She'd also tell me how my skinny body looks "disgusting' , how embarrassed she was to be seen with me in public during my "tomboy phase", and how I'll fail at any hobby I happened to be interested in. She's extremely racist[I'm mixed race, but she hates my PDfather, and makes racist remarks whenever I do something she doesn't like or that "reminds" her of my PDfather...]. Lastly, she said any man I was interested in would never love me and only use me for sex... I was a shut in as a teenager and wanted to just fall asleep and never wake up after living with her....

Now, I have a small family of my own now[just my toddler son and myself, no significant other..not quite...seeing someone but not really serious right now due to focusing on other priorities...]. She wants me to send my son to HER where she lives [which is close to 2k kilometers away], and I can't anyways even if I "wanted" to, because I'm going through a custody battle with PDex...


Anyways...PDmother has offered me financial help and even useful gifts to toddler son, which I desperately need as a single parent...but now I somewhat regret getting her help. She says I don't "owe" her, but I feel obligated... I feel as though the only way to get away, is to pay her off and go NC. I'd feel bad not to pay my debt...

I guess my question is, have you ever received help from a PD family member you want to go NC with? Did you pay them back or just went straight to cutting them off?


Also, did you have a domino effect after cutting off a PDParent/PDFamily Member?

My eldest brother "Yaw", current lives with her. He's extremely asocial and doesn't like being around people. PD mother keeps guilt tripping him from leaving her house.

As for older brother "Kwasi" and younger brother "Kofi", I currently live with them[Kwasi's house actually, Kofi is just staying there too, but doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to pay rent...Kofi is highly irresponsible and has some FLEAS or possibly PD himself?..Kwasi is too nice and forgiving sometimes...]

I feel like if I go cold turkey and cut off PDmother, I might lose the relationship I have with Yaw, and he won't talk to me anymore...OR he'd be used as PDmother's spy[she had used him before like that] to get ammunition...

As for Kwasi and Kofi, I don't think they'd care AS much, they know how difficult and annoying both of our parents are, however they both feel obligated to talk to both of them regardless of our parents abusive behavior...They get slightly disappointed when I say I don't love our parents..  I don't hate my parents, but I feel extremely indifferent. My parents are basically strangers who don't know anything about me.

Yaw seems to be LC/NC with our PDfather[him and our PDmother separated many years ago]. I'm not sure if it's because PDmother HATES our dad or if Yaw can't handle our PDfather[I don't blame him]. I'm wondering if I can use that to explain why I don't want to talk to PDmother to Yaw?

To be honest though ... Part of me is thinking of going LC with my brothers because certain things they do/say trigger the past, and they have FLEAS themselves. I feel like LC might also help me grow as a person and limit some triggers...nothing against my brothers really, I just don't want to he reminded about the old life, but it gets brought up often either through words or actions.

A side note ... TRIGGER WARNING: sexual abuse

I don't know if my PD mother has or is currently sexually abusing me??

See small grey font below for details(I don't want to trigger anyone, and I don't know how to add a spoiler tag...) SKIP over small text to AVOID TRIGGER.

Growing up, my PDmother would always smack my butt, and it would make me uncomfortable, I tell her to stop, and she'd get mad at me. Also, she has given me HER underwear that didn't fit her, I rejected it and she was LIVID and said I changed and how could I be so terrible to her for refusing to take her...used underwear... She has alsoade comments on my boob size saying she hopes they get big like my dad's side of the family and not "small" like hers[she's always talking down on herself to receive sympathy. Then, she has interrogated many times about my sex-life which makes me HIGHLY uncomfortable.

People say her behaviour is "weird' but never used the phrase "sexual abuse". I feel like if the genders where reverse [ex. PDFather instead of PDmother], then people would say it's sexual abuse...

Nowadays, she is still "overbearing" but I'm not exactly the "scapegoat" anymore... sorta...She talks positive to my face and says she "loves" me ((I NEVER HEARD THAT GROWING UP, now all of a sudden she wants hugs and kisses of she visits my city???)), but I hear from Kofi that my Pdmother sees me as a bad I fluence to Kofi. Also, she ALWAYS complains about Kofi when I call her, and it's SO FRIGGIN ANNOYING. She's two faced. I tell Kofi everything she says, so I'm not hiding it from him, and he offers the same to me.

Sorry for the rant...All of my questions are bolded for easier readibility...well...most questions haha...

SIDE NOTE: I have two jobs now that pay well, I just haven't started quite yet. But once I do, I can easily pay off my eviction and overly late bills. I need to get a new car too, because when I was in-between jobs and had jobs that literally did NOT pay me((another story for another time...)), I lost my car and it got towed. I used up all my savings too during my unemployment periods((long story))...it's just...I have to start over.

Furthermore, I should be receiving domestic violence therapy here soon... I'm dealing with "CPS"  at the moment after PDex's violent outbursts...they took our child away to ensure his safety. I'm getting closer to having full custody again after fulfilling their requirements. They require therapy for DV, and are paying for it, it's just a long wait list. I still wanted to go to therapy regardless though, and I'm happy that they offer this. As crazy as this might sound...the MOST supportive people in my life IS CPS. They have been helping me get my life together, so I can reunite with my son. They've offered many resources and programs, sometimes I feel like I could cry. My case manager(s) have told me in the past that I should finish my schooling and offered personal advice, and genuinely care for my well-being...

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm not NC, but my PDmom is quite "generous" financially. I put quotes around it, because like you, I always feel there are strings attached to her "gifts." (And the one time I asked her for an actual loan, I made sure to promptly pay it back.)

If someone says something is a gift, then that's what it is, in my opinion. Will she use that to badmouth you when you go NC? Probably. But so what? If she didn't have that, she'd come up with something else to use in her smear campaign.

If I went NC right now, I wouldn't send PDmom a penny. If she thinks her so-called "generosity" means I owe her something, that's her problem.

[BefuddledClarity]

I'm not NC, but my PDmom is quite "generous" financially. I put quotes around it, because like you, I always feel there are strings attached to her "gifts." (And the one time I asked her for an actual loan, I made sure to promptly pay it back.)

If someone says something is a gift, then that's what it is, in my opinion. Will she use that to badmouth you when you go NC? Probably. But so what? If she didn't have that, she'd come up with something else to use in her smear campaign.

If I went NC right now, I wouldn't send PDmom a penny. If she thinks her so-called "generosity" means I owe her something, that's her problem.

Oh, I need to look at it that way...

My brother Yaw and my PD mother have said the money they gave is to help, and they don't expect me to pay it back... At first, my stupid pride kept insisting to pay it back, but they said they don't care either way and pay if I want to...

If anything...I'd just make the payments through Yaw and have him distribute it to her if she calls it a "loan"... I actually care for my brother Yaw, just not my parents...

If she claims as a gift though, I won't push to pay them back anymore. I need to get over my pride... I just HATE being dependent on anyone and was desperate at the time for help...

Lately, I've felt like I lost my independence after being in-between jobs and relying on my other brothers Kwasi and Kofi for help as well as a gentleman friend I'm courting...I feel terrible...I'm used to being a rock and paying for everything and now I can't...

Thank you for your reply by the way Cats of the Canals! I need to see a gift as a gift, and not think too hard about it, or I'll get a headache.

[carrots]

I know this was kind of a side note and not the big question      *** TW!! ***

but ime Growing up, my PDmother would always smack my butt, and it would make me uncomfortable, I tell her to stop, and she'd get mad at me counts as CSA. Particularly because it made you uncomfortable. Something similar went on in my FOO, and then some, also by my mother. Tho she didn't get mad at my objections, she laughed and pretended not to get it and continued of course.

*** End of TW ***

On the money question, I agree with what you quoted from Cat of the Canals. That's my general kind of experience with FOO and money. I'm still accepting money from them, I see it as compensation because my cptsd is so bad I can hardly work and earn money. There are always strings attached or even huge ropes and sometimes I get the real run-around, like discussing amounts and how to send them to me (took ages) and then they came back and asked "What was that money? Was it a loan?"

There have been lots of domino effects in my FOO e.g. about 20 years ago I went NC with M for the first time (I'm now VVVLC with everybody). Although I explained in advance what I was doing and roughly why and I explained in a separate letter to F that it didn't apply to him, F decided it did apply to him and went exceedingly VLC with me. Just one example of what these PD families are capable of... ime it doesn't matter much what I say or do or try to explain (way too much JADE for years on my part but I didn't understand that till I came on here and read around for quite a while). Yeah, basically I have minimal to no contact with the whole extended FOO. Most of them, if they contact at all, it's in order to try to repair the breach between me and my parents. imho these domino effects are just part and parcel of a dysfunctional FOO. So, I take what I can get out of them and send one-liner emails occasionally

[BefuddledClarity]

Hi carrots,
It took me years to finally figure out it was CSA/SA...I just never thought about it too much. So I wanted to come here and ask, because I don't know if I'm overreacting, but now I know I'm not... So I appreciate your reply back carrots!

I've been SA outside of family, but again, didn't really think much about it. As it was mostly just "friends" groping my boobs, commenting how small they are and laughing. Or even butt smacks from "friends". Only once I felt scared, when an older drunk guy was feeling me up, calling me "babe", said he was in love with me, wanted to get married and introduce me to his kid(I was early 20s he was late 30s). I was young and dumb back then, but I still knew I don't want to date someone much older. I didn't know his age until I asked him...My "friend" was young like me dating a 40y.o. trying to hook me up with the 40y.o.'s friend in the late 30s. I kept pulling away from the guy. He later felt bad when he realized I didn't want anything and stopped talking to me.

Anywho...my mother was always creepy since my childhood, to college years, up to now where she asks about my sex life...I heard stories that my grandmother was just as bad or worse.
❢❢TRIGGER WARNING: CSA ❢❢
My mother said as kids, my grandmother used to grab her male cousin by the balls/testicles as a "joke". The maternal family thinks it's funny, but I find it f*cked up. I would NEVER in a million years find it funny to do that to my own son. It's disgusting.
//end TW
Besides that, my PDgrandmother was also verbally and physically abusive. She used to beat my PDmother with whatever was in her hand whenever my mother would pee the bed as a child. She purposely cut my mother's hair short while her sisters got to keep long hair and have nice clothes. There's just a lot to it. I'm glad I never got to meet my PDgrandmother, as she passed away before I was even born.

On the money question, I agree with what you quoted from Cat of the Canals. That's my general kind of experience with FOO and money. I'm still accepting money from them, I see it as compensation because my cptsd is so bad I can hardly work and earn money. There are always strings attached or even huge ropes and sometimes I get the real run-around, like discussing amounts and how to send them to me (took ages) and then they came back and asked "What was that money? Was it a loan?"

Wow...that's a really good way to look at it. I used to have severe social anxiety, which made it hard to get jobs...and depression[the depression is still there, but I manage it, I guess...]

Also, my PDmother has used me financially before anyways, so in a way, she's paying me back. She wanted to claim me as "dependent" on her when I was in college, despite me being on my own, paying for my own things without any of her financial help.
She also views things in a "what can you do for me" type of way. My PDmother wanted us[brothers and I] to go into specific fields in college, so she can have her own personal "lawyer, doctor, architect(to build her house)" etc. Furthermore, she'll be able to brag to the family about our accomplishments, as though they are her own...I think it may be a cultural thing as well. Very competitive.

My PDfather is slightly different. He'll "gift" you money, and say use it for whatever, but he's the type that expects something in return or complains that he's always doing everything for everyone and nobody does anything. This was many years ago though. I haven't talk to him in 2+yrs.


In regards to the domino effect....I've been wishy-washy over it but...after reading everyone else's stories here, I think. "good riddance"! If, hypothetically, the people I care about chose the "PD's side", then I know it's not worth keeping the relationship going... it's not worth all those years of torment and pain.

My brothers already know I don't like to talk to my parents, but I still feel like they don't understand the extent of how I feel....because many times throughout the years, I tried to keep a bond with them for the sake of my toddler son, but I don't think it's worth the headache of keeping the PDgrandparents in our lives.

Kwasi and Kofi complain about PDmother all the time and "joke" that PDfather is like a stranger that adopted them[that's how closed off our father was, with us growing up.] But they still prefer PDfather over PDmother, and they still keep in contact with both parents, even though they ALWAYS get headaches after. Even Yaw talked breaks from PDfather, but that's probably due to PDmother badmouthing him to Yaw[Yaw live with PDmother...].

Anyways, I appreciate your reply carrots, I've been thinking it over. Everytime I tried to reply, my post was accidentally deleted by my clumsy self. I'm always on the way to work too, is why. 

[moglow]

[Random side note to BC - if you could limit formatting changes, your posts would be easier to read/respond to. Due to color changes, big chunks of the post above are completely invisible to me, only readable when I block off as of to copy/cut.]

[BefuddledClarity]

[Random side note to BC - if you could limit formatting changes, your posts would be easier to read/respond to. Due to color changes, big chunks of the post above are completely invisible to me, only readable when I block off as of to copy/cut.]

Oh...I did that on purpose due to trigger warning of SA/CSA and changed the color to beige so it can only be viewed with highlighting the text. But I'll be mindful of it and limit the formatting.

[foggyme]

I hope this doesn't come across as an entitled request, but could we just refrain from using preudonyms on this forum, if the administrators agree? I have to remember new names specific to the post other than the usual acronyms like nM, MIL etc or scroll at the top, read again who which character is and then scroll again down, trying to remember where I left off. This makes posts difficult to read - actually I don't see why posts should have any sort of preamble.

[BefuddledClarity]

I hope this doesn't come across as an entitled request, but could we just refrain from using preudonyms on this forum, if the administrators agree? I have to remember new names specific to the post other than the usual acronyms like nM, MIL etc or scroll at the top, read again who which character is and then scroll again down, trying to remember where I left off. This makes posts difficult to read - actually I don't see why posts should have any sort of preamble.

I only did pseudonyms for clarification, as I have many brothers for example.  But since admins prefer that I don't, then I won't.

[foggyme]

I can see the dilemma .. Probably something like Brother 1 or B1, starting from oldest to youngest might work? I don't mean to police other people's writing. But in my experience with other forums, it gets tiring to have too much set up and indications on how to read a post. Simply writing your story without too much "meta" is more natural and easier to read, in my opinion.