He went to therapy

[Bettyrubble]

Over 14 months ago now when things were a mess (I mean they still are!) my upwbpd "promised" to go to therapy. But you know being him he told me he wouldn't go unless I did first because I needed it just as much of not more (sigh) than him. So I did. And I found a sh*t hot therapist who has played a huge part in me coming Out of the FOG and eventually realising there was definitely something extra at play (most likely bpd). And he had a million things excuses as to why he couldn't do it.

That last 9 months after me threatening to leave have been so hard.

And just as I get closer and closer to really pulling the plug. POW! He made an appointment and had his first session today.

His feedback? Well he made a big ol point about how he deserved a "well done" for doing it. He said he challenged her on several points 😬 and he shared that his therapist said that many women choose to leave their long term relationship when they hit the menopause but it would be unwise to make a rash decision at that time. In the last few weeks I've shared with him  that I have some definite symptoms and am struggling.

He also informed me that she said there's often a lot more under the surface than someone just being "moody". So that must be how he described himself?  I mean yes there really is a lot more under the surface!!

So he's kinda managed to guilt trip me into giving it a chance to change. Or has he? Ugh I dunno

[SonofThunder]

Hi Betty,

I have made a point to take any words from my stbx with a grain of salt, as they will be skewed to whatever drama triangle role she desires to play at the time (persecutor, victim, rescuer). 

I read both victim (needing to go to the T, victim of of your 'moody' menopause) and potentially rescuer (since its your menopause issue) for going to the T and coming back with a finger pointed at you as the way to improvement. 

My stbx plays the rescuer (prescribing me the to-do list)  just long enough to confront me (persecutor) for causing our problems and then dancing right over and camping in victim mode. 

SoT

[SeaBreeze]

My uNPDh sought individual therapy  twice over the years, at my insistence. (I know, I know....)

The first time he went, H was (in my unprofessional opinion) misdiagnosed and treated with the wrong meds. (I think because he was dishonest with the psychiatrist.) I was not surprised that it only made things worse, and of course H cited that horrible experience as proof that psychiatrists are "quacks."

The 2nd time he went, several years later, he was not diagnosed with anything at all. After only one appointment (!?) given a clean bill of mental health. Which he now cites as proof that nothing is wrong with him. (Which refutes his previous argument that psychiatrists are "quacks".... Now  an "EDUCATED EXPERT" has declared him to be okay!!!)

I personally would not trust anything a PD relays about their therapy. They will most likely twist and manipulate whatever is (or is not) actually said in their favor. Just my .02 worth!

[moglow]

He said he challenged her on several points 😬 and he shared that his therapist said that many women choose to leave their long term relationship when they hit the menopause but it would be unwise to make a rash decision at that time. In the last few weeks I've shared with him  that I have some definite symptoms and am struggling.

Oh hell no - he didn't?!! Take all that with a big fat grain of salt, sister!! You don't need a play by of what his therapist [may or may not have] said. I'd probably decline future participation in all that and wish him well. It's not a guilt trip if you refuse to punch that ticket.

[You might consider sharing less of your own personal stuff going forward, just for your peace of mind.]

[Bettyrubble]

Moglow- thanks your comment made me chuckle! Yeah I'm already imagining me being menopausal is gonna be used against me in all sorts of new and exciting ways. **eyeroll**

[Bettyrubble]

The 2nd time he went, several years later, he was not diagnosed with anything at all. After only one appointment (!?) given a clean bill of mental health. Which he now cites as proof that nothing is wrong with him. (Which refutes his previous argument that psychiatrists are "quacks".... Now  an "EDUCATED EXPERT" has declared him to be okay!!!)

I personally would not trust anything a PD relays about their therapy. They will most likely twist and manipulate whatever is (or is not) actually said in their favor. Just my .02 worth!

Oh good grief! A clean bill after one session sounds wildly unlikely! Yes I think pinch of salt  will be regularly needed. Ultimately in order to truly get help from therapy you need to be able to be aware of your feelings actions and behaviours and I think that will be tricky for him. Ultimately I do genuinely wish he could get the help he needed tho

[1footouttadefog]

You are not necessarily obligated to stay just because he is in therapy.

It's your choice.  If the relationship is too damaged and if your own therapy has pointed that out then you don't have to wait while he gets therapy. He knew things needed worked on and refused.

It's your call

[Fae Greenwood]

You are responsible for you. Being supportive is not the same as being responsible. If you want to support his attempt to make himself a better person, that's up to you but there are two issues here. First is he already equating going to one therapy session to actually doing the introspective work of many sessions. Will he continue when it gets difficult? Second is what are your expectations of genuine change? Do you think that can happen? My experience is that few people past their 50th birthday truly change.  But you can use this time, if you like, to get him comfortable with a therapist to help him get through the end of the relationship if you choose to leave. My husband and I just started counseling and these first sessions are just her getting to know us. Nothing of note is likely going to happen for several weeks just as I'm sure happened with your counseling.

And as for the menopause crack, many women go through this just as their vulnerabilities, such as children and finances, tend to diminish. They don't leave because of hormonal change, they leave because the reasons for sticking it out fade away. But menopause is more acceptable to many a husband than that he was a mean f**ker and she'd rather be alone than with him.