When two people with PDs team up to smear and harass

[didntsignupforthis]

Until recently I was living with 2 people - one diagnosed BPD and the other undiagnosed (to my knowledge) NPD. I learned very early on that the uNPD lies more easily than she tells the truth, mostly to get what she wants or to divert any potential for criticism. She also switches to attack mode (verbally) in an instant if she thinks criticism might be coming. So I learned to avoid her triggers by avoiding bringing up potentially contentious topics whenever possible, and if I needed to bring something up I'd do it in the gentlest and most non-threatening way possible. This worked for the most part...until the dBPD moved in.

As I watched the dBPD smear and berate and manipulate her family, her boyfriend, and other people in her life, they would just appease and acquiesce, never calling her behavior out or setting boundaries. So I knew it was a matter of time before she'd start in on me, and I knew I'd set boundaries right away to avoid validating that behavior. And I think that would have worked...had it not been for the uNPD.

Once she started in on me and I told her that her behavior didn't sit well with me, the flip switched for the dBPD. She immediately started triangulating with the uNPD, then our neighbors, then my friends. Our neighbors and my friends didn't buy her smears against me at first, but the uNPD seemed to embrace them for her own reasons, since she could clearly see for herself in the home that the allegations against me were false. The two of them began to obsess over me, talking about me constantly, egging each other on as they began to harass me in ever more disturbing ways. I at first tried to reason with the uNPD, then I tried ignoring their behaviors, and eventually I found myself hiding from them whenever they were in any of the common rooms.

But what really got to me is when they schemed to back up each other's lies, painting themselves as poor victims of my (wholly fictionalized) abuse. So now my neighbors and friends were hearing 2 people repeat the same stories against me. That was too much for my neighbors, and they distanced themselves from me believing that I was the real culprit. The harassment escalated to the point that the uNPD physically attacked me, and when I tried to fight her off she filmed a short video clip of me defending myself, and claimed that the clip was actually of me attacking her! I think even my friends began to doubt me at that point, but still tried to be supportive.

It was all too much for me, so I moved as fast as I could into a place with a new roommate. But shortly after the move, somehow those smears reached my new roommate, and because it was 2 people repeating the same lies about me, my new roommate now thinks I'm going to be the roommate from hell. She asked my old neighbors what they thought, and they just repeated the stories they had heard from the dBPD and the uNPD, which they assumed were true because it was two against one. So that's more people "validating" the lies. Then my new roommate privately spoke with my friends, saying she's worried about me some day doing the crazy things that I had been accused of. So now even some of my friends are thinking that the stories must be true, if even my new roommate is repeating them.

It's like a never-ending snowball effect, and it seems like there's nothing I can do to stop it. I documented the harassment and gathered evidence proving they've been lying about me, but no one will bother to look at it. I get the same response from neighbors, friends, and my new roommate: they say they don't know who is telling the truth, but they aren't going to go through the effort of actually looking at the evidence to find out because they don't want to get involved...and yet they keep circulating (and thus perpetuating) the version that is getting repeated by the most people.

Any others caught in a slander spiral like this? Any success stories of stopping the spiral or otherwise getting past it?

[sunshine702]

You guys are all the same age and live near something right ( work school)

It may help to find a complete new group that the smears can't reach,

Maybe an older Group or the complete other side of town or a different race ethnic group for roommates.

You will still face the smears at job or school but this may give you some space and peace at home

Best of luck

[bloomie]

didntsignupforthis - what a painful and difficult situation to be facing. I am so sorry and can only imagine how hard it is to not be completely preoccupied with all of the false accusations.

If it brings any light to the situation at all, even highly trained professionals in mental health and substance abuse settings can fall into this type of splitting and confusion within a group. From what I can understand the reason your friends and new roommate may be uncertain is this is not a circumstance that arose from logic. It has arisen from extreme emotion that shuts down our ability to logically think things through.

So, offering evidence and appealing to your new roommate with logic, when it is possible their emotions are engaged may not work. This concept is called polarization. This can happen families, groups, work settings, medical settings and a really good resource to understanding it, along with free articles and tools that may help you, is found here: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/hci-articles/understanding-polarization-in-families-groups-and-nations

This same article offers some things you can do that are emotionally mature, respectful, and honoring of yourself and others at the end.

In a practical sense, detaching from trying to find justice in an unjust situation, speaking your truth when you believe it is productive to those who are important to you... such as to your new roommate, one time, and letting them know if they have any questions or concerns they can ask you, then moving on respecting their process in coming to their own conclusions about you, living your life free of drama and strife as much as it is in your control to do so, is your best response to all of this.

My sense is you may have a kind of desperation to be believed. I can relate closely to that as these accusations can/have harmed you immeasurably. My sense is that those around you... former neighbors and even friends who want to support you, may be overwhelmed and do not want to talk about it anymore. If you sense that is the case, talking all of this through with a therapist or trusted mentor and giving your support system a break, might be really helpful.

Keep coming back and sharing. Go to the toolbox and read through the glossary and articles and posts. Gather strength and validation as you share and this wonderful community comes alongside of you.

Let us know how you are doing!

[didntsignupforthis]

Thanks for the insightful reply, bloomie! You are right, I am an evidence-based solution-oriented person, and it's hard for me to comprehend that offering proof that I am the one telling the truth is both useless and counter-productive.

Thanks for the link. I would agree that emotional repetition in isolation is at the heart of this smear spiral. I'm torn about what I could've done to prevent it though - on the one hand, when it started I tried to leave my neighbors and friends to make up their own minds for the most part, avoiding drawing them into a he-said-she-said situation. I thought they'd get tired of my BPD roommate constantly bringing drama to them. But in the end by not actively ensuring my side was being heard, I helped enable the ERII environment that my roommate created. On the other hand, when I tried a different approach with my new roommate by offering her early on the evidence and a full explanation of what's really been going on, it just fueled a polarization response.

Maybe that's because it was already too late by then. I'm by default a private, non-intrusive person. I don't want to disturb other people with my issues, so I tend to be slow and selective about who I talk to and how much I share when I need support. But both the dBPD and the uNPD are the opposite - they've always been several steps ahead in spreading their false narrative of being poor vulnerable victims of my abuse. So people adopted the story they heard first, most often, and in isolation.

Your advice and the advice in the article are validating that I'm on the right track, as unrewarding as it is right now. I'm no-contact with both the dBPD and the uNPD; with everyone else that's been sucked in I'm giving them space as they work things out on their own. I've let them know I'm here to talk about it and to share evidence when they are open to it, in a calm, respectful and empathetic way, but otherwise I'm not bringing it up to them anymore. For the most part people are staying away from me, but when we do cross paths I remain friendly without forcing engagement.

Maybe over time some of them will come around, but it hurts so much right now to be surrounded by people who used to like and respect me, but now whisper about me behind my back and look sideways at me. You are right that it's very painful for me not to be believed; I've always been an honest person with high integrity, and my reputation in that regard matters a great deal to me. I'm actively trying to get a therapist so I at least have someone I can safely talk to about all this.

Thanks again for your reply, bloomie!

[didntsignupforthis]

Hi sunshine702, thanks for your reply. We're all significantly different ages and a variety of ethnic/racial backgrounds, and not connected to a workplace or school. We're in the same neighborhood, and my community is important to me. It breaks my heart that I may need to give up my community and start fresh someplace further away, but that might be what I end up doing. Not anytime soon though; I have a new lease, and I need to focus on getting a job first so I can afford to eventually move (again).

[sunshine702]

I am sorry you are dealing with this.  Uhug.  So horrible.  I have been in my neighborhood with three places for a decade so I get it.

This sounds like a toxic Narc and triangulation/ smear job.  They really are a one person wrecking crew.  Just carnage in their wake.  I hope things improve in time

[Cat of the Canals]

This is an awful situation to be in, and I'm sorry you're in it.

Can I ask what kind of timeline we're talking about -- how long ago this smear campaign started, roughly?

I ask because in my experience, this kind of thing often implodes on itself. The PD can't actually go very long before they begin showing signs that they are quite disordered themselves. And the smart people start wondering, "Maybe I shouldn't trust what this person said in the past, given what I know now..."

Of course, some PDs can carry out this kind of campaign over the long haul, however, the fact that there are TWO of them makes it even more precarious. I would guess it's only a matter of time before these two have a falling out and then the battle and the smearing will be them against one another, and many people will get a glimpse of their true colors.

It still isn't ideal, of course. Even if every single person they've alienated comes back and admits, "I was wrong." it doesn't undo what's already been done. But I think it's safe to hold out hope that some people in your community will come around. Hopefully with an apology...

[didntsignupforthis]

Thank you sunshine702 and Cat of the Canals.

I honestly think this wouldn't have gotten so out of hand had it remained just the person with BPD smearing me, because initially my neighbors told me they could see she was "off" (she also suffers from psychosis). But the uNPD is a very experienced liar, to the point that she had bragged to me before about what a masterful liar she considers herself to be. I've wondered at times if she was the real mastermind, initially just egging on the person with BPD while staying under the radar herself.

The tipping point with the uNPD was the day she physically attacked me. It was actually her moving-out day. She had refused to pay her last month's rent, but demanded I return the security deposit in full on her last day before she leaves the property, using a convoluted scheme that she thought would work on me. She found out on the last day that I wasn't going to just hand over her security deposit while rent was still unpaid, and that's why she flew into a rage. I believe that's also when she decided to stop plotting in the shadows and began her own full-on smear campaign. People have alluded to receiving emails from her about me, but they won't show them to me or tell me what she said.

Cat of the Canals, the smear campaign started about 6 months ago, but seemed to ramp up a couple of months ago when the uNPD became more actively involved. It seems each new person to get sucked into the lies breathes new life into the campaign. I believe if the two of them were still living together in my old place they would eventually turn on each other as you said (they had actually been fighting with each other shortly before they teamed up to make me Enemy #1), but since they no longer have to deal with each other in person they can just keep their relationship from a distance based on their obsession with me.

The dBPD did actually rage at her boyfriend the other day, even throwing him out of the house in front of neighbors, so there's a glimmer of hope that some of them may eventually see enough for themselves to at least doubt the stories. But at this point I'm feeling that some of my former relationships are best left unmended. Some people who I had considered dear friends have shown an ugly side to their personalities during this ordeal, and I can't un-see that side of them. Today was a crying-in-bed day, mourning all I've lost so far and worrying about what's coming next.