Two Wolves - which do you feed?

[NarcKiddo]

The old trope came up on my social media again recently.

There's loads of variations but essentially, for anyone unfamiliar, it's a grandfather telling his grandchild that we each have two wolves inside us battling for supremacy. One is good and one is evil. The grandchild asks "which one wins?" and the grandfather says "the one you feed".

I have considered this in respect of how I deal with the fact I have a uNPD mother. Grey rock has been a good technique for me, plus keeping contact as low as I reasonably can. She's been moving into an apparently more reasonable and caring phase, possibly because she has noticed the walls have gone up, possibly because she is getting older and her powers are waning, possibly a mixture. Every now and then she tips her hand, though, and I know the PD is still there as strong as ever.

It's very tempting to believe that she is getting mellower with old age; maybe even repents of some of her ways. So sometimes I feel I should only feed the "good" wolf; give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe not engage in activities which highlight the problems of dealing with PD family, maybe not study the issue, buy books etc. But I feel the need to feed the "bad" wolf every so often, to remind myself of just what she is, and is capable of. Although it is nice to think that filling my head with the "good" wolf stuff will be happy and productive and stop me ruminating on past hurt, I instinctively feel that the "bad" wolf has to be there somewhere for my own protection.

Can anyone relate?

[Poison Ivy]

IMO, if indeed there are two wolves, one good, one bad, inside you, neither is necessarily involved with protecting you from people who have personality disorders. In fact, if one is involved, I think it might be the good one, because the good one should be trying to keep you safe, right?

[Call Me Cordelia]

From your description it sounds like your wolves are closer to the "denial" wolf and the "reality" wolf.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[mustard_seed]

I struggle a lot with this too. I think part of the problem is the good wolf/bad wolf thing is very black & white thinking. I am re-reading Marianne Williamson's "A Return to Love," which is based on the premise that in order to heal, we must choose loving thoughts/beliefs/actions over fearful ones. I know it's not exactly the same thing as the wolf analogy, but I just wanted to share that I'm currently working through something similar. I think these simple formulas set up either-or thinking, and I find myself jumping back and forth between the two, looking for "the truth." I don't have the answers, but one strong thought I'm having is that maybe it's really not about either-or, it's really about having a clear picture of the entire situation, which includes everything, including information about PDs, which helps guide us into taking self-loving actions and protecting ourselves.

The other thing I'm noticing-- and this is coming from the therapy I've had in the past-- is that it sounds kind of like you're making yourself responsible for your PDmom's condition and/or behaviors. It almost seems like you think if you only feed your good wolf, then she will get better. I hope this doesn't come off as criticism, but rather a gentle observation that you are free to disregard if it doesn't fit!

I know that in my own FOO, I have blamed myself when things have started to spiral downwards. A lot of the spiraling happened as I began to set boundaries and step away. I thought for awhile that if I could become totally spiritual and fix my perspective, words, & actions... then maybe things would get better. But I think that was an awful lot to put on myself. In the end, I was harshly accused of having a "savior complex" and thinking I was better than everyone else when I tried to actively "heal" things within the system. That stung enough that I stepped back and thought about whether what I was doing was helping or not.

I think it's entirely possible that the most "loving" or "good wolf" thing I can do with my own dysfunctional FOO is to step away and work on creating peace and sanity for myself. If the goal is to act from love, or from goodness, then what *is* goodness? I arrive at something like: wishing peace for all. And in my situation, I am truly coming to believe that the best thing I can do promote peace is step away and acknowledge that I cannot control, fix or change others. I can only control me.

I like this topic... thank you for sharing your thoughts. You're not alone on this one!

[Cat of the Canals]

In fact, if one is involved, I think it might be the good one, because the good one should be trying to keep you safe, right?

This is how I feel about it.

I think we sometimes oversimplify "good" to mean "kindness... at all costs." But what about kindness to ourselves?

Our PD parents often demand resources from us that are not only unhealthy for us to try to deliver, but impossible as well. Many of us have parents that want to be constantly entertained or fussed over or attended to. And I do mean constant. They have a bottomless pit off various needs that we simply can't fulfill. No matter how much we give, they always want more. Therefore, I would never label our refusal to give those resources as "evil." Or even "unkind."

[Andeza]

It is better stated, I think, that all of us have the capacity to do good things, and all of us have the capacity to do evil things. However protecting one's self from a person with a PD is not evil, not unless you are deliberately cruel, mocking, goading, etc. It is possible to tell someone "No" just that simply and not be cruel. Because they choose to perceive it as cruel does not, in this case, make it so. It is important to remember that their own perception of the world is seen through the eyes of their personality disorder, frequently that means everything takes a negative slant because many pwPDs desire to be perpetual victims.

I do not think the good wolf and bad wolf story applies here honestly.

You are not being cruel when you choose to protect yourself.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Seems like the "good" and "bad" labels are applicable from your mother's perspective?
"Good" for her:

give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe not engage in activities which highlight the problems of dealing with PD family, maybe not study the issue, buy books etc.

"Bad" for her:

remind myself of just what she is, and is capable of.

I think you are doing very well attending to your own well being first, as you should. The further you come Out of the FOG, the less often you will get caught in the old habit of considering your uNPD before yourself.

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts. All interesting, and all helpful.

I'm here on this site right now, feeding my "bad" wolf (although I really think I should call it my "reality" wolf as suggested by Call Me Cordelia - thanks, Cordelia) precisely because I stopped feeding it for a while and fed the other one. I never dropped Grey Rock but I did allow myself to start thinking uNPD mother might have been changing her spots just a teeeeeeny bit, and then got absolutely blindsided by some rotten behaviour.

We're so conditioned to be nice and considerate; faced every day with a barrage of trite homilies on social media and cushions proclaiming "be kind" everywhere we go. Which is a laudable aim, on the whole, but does not at all take into account the issues those of us dealing with PD people face, and what protective measures we need to take. It's also hard, sometimes, to accept that just because you are not being kind from the PD's point of view does not necessarily mean that you are being unkind.

[Prototypian]

I tend to think that nearly all things can move from the scale of healthy or unhealthy.    Surely the adage of too much of a good thing comes to play.  What I have learned about the PD in my case is that her need for control is unhealthy.   We all desire to control parts of our world.   It's what makes us seek retirement or communities or marriages or family.   But the PD in my life has to control the little things in life.   From dishwasher loading to how long a shower lasts, the need for control drives to a level that's unhealthy.

[Adria]

So sometimes I feel I should only feed the "good" wolf; give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe not engage in activities which highlight the problems of dealing with PD family, maybe not study the issue, buy books etc. But I feel the need to feed the "bad" wolf every so often, to remind myself of just what she is, and is capable of.

I read a book by Louise Hay, and the whole premise of her book was that we will heal if we believe every person is good and doing the best they can.  Hmmm . . . that book did not help me very much because that was the way I did believe and I wanted to believe. Kept me going in circles in the same traps.  Until I was brave enough to face the facts that my family was literally out to destroy me, I kept trying to people please them and never gained the strength I needed to get away. 

Good wolf/bad wolf. Maybe sometimes in this world we could learn a little from both. Not to say we treat others mean or disrespectfully, but maybe we need to be a little more wise and cunning than the nice, good and pleasing wolf. It really depends on the other person as to how we should deal with them.  Jerry Wise has a great utube video on this. It's called "Don't Use Normal Rules For Abnormal Relationships." It is easy to confuse forgiving and forgetting.  It is in our nature to want to hope for the best, believe for the best and give the benefit of the doubt.  However, it is important to keep in mind who these people are and just what they are capable of so as not to keep getting sucked into their drama. 

It sounds to me like you have a pretty good handle on it. Hugs, Adria

[Starboard Song]

I instinctively feel that the "bad" wolf has to be there somewhere for my own protection.

Others beat me to it. The good wolf is not a loser, and is not ignorant. The good wolf doesn't give out benefit of the doubt (which only applies, anyway, when there is reasonable doubt). Nor does the good wolf prefer innocence to knowledge.

The good wolf engages in radical acceptance, knowing that this world is the one given.
The good wolf loves itself, and is kind.
When the good wolf must make choices that hurt others, the good wolf does so without malice.
The good wolf acts as necessary to protect itself.

The good wolf is not needlessly vigilant.
Nor does it ruminate on the past which is beyond our repair.
Nor does it stay angry about injustice, or injury, or disatisfaction.
Nor does it desire injury to others.

Your good wolf needn't expose you to harm, and can continue to read and study PD issues, as long as it can do so with a full heart.

Good luck. You are a good wolf.