Communal narcissism in relationships

[TiredOfNarcs]

Oh my god.

Tonight I came across the term "communal narcissist" for the first time. I didn't know what it meant so I looked it up, and right off the bat every last description felt like I was reading the writings of someone who knew my most recent ex on a very intimate basis. I'd never seen such a perfect encapsulation of his behavior and mindset.

It feels so relieving to actually see such a perfect description of his toxic behaviors and how he's managed to avoid showing so many of the classic red flags of an agentic narcissist. Hell, he'd even managed to reel in someone whose entire area of study is relationship science. For a little while I think I was doubting myself about whether I was just "trying to make the shoe fit" when I thought about his narcissistic traits, because the vast majority of what I've educated myself on has been solely about agentic narcissism.

But this...this explains everything. The obsession with appearing "honest and honorable" in his own mind as well as others', the narc rage that erupts whenever someone points out the discrepancies between his words and his actual behavior, the delusions of heroism, the seething whenever people don't praise his "good" gestures enthusiastically enough or don't offer him something in return in some other way, the expectation that others have to put up with him being mean or insensitive because he does "so much good" for them otherwise.

In light of my discovery and my own personal experiences, these are some telltale signs of a communal narc that might not be considered in any other breed of narc (I'll be using he/him pronouns for simplicity's sake but they can apply to anyone of any gender):
- If you indicate that something he has said/done has hurt you in some way, he might initially be overly apologetic and claim over and over again that he "never wants to hurt/offend you" - but after these hollow words (and maybe a hollow gesture or two), he doesn't expect anything to change. He'll continue those same hurtful behaviors, and if you call him out on it, his next response will be one of aggression, claiming you "need to let it go already" or pretend he never had the previous conversation with you where you first brought up the issue. You will feel like you are being unreasonable and "demanding perfection" because you've had to ask him to stop more than once, which is exactly what he wants. It's like a large-scale, emotionally-abusive version of asking your kid to turn down the blaring volume of the TV, to which he agrees but only turns it down one little notch before sneakily turning it back up again later, and then when you tell him to turn it down a second time he exasperatedly says "I've already turned it down - you're basically demanding I turn it off!"
- He is obsessed with his "charitable" endeavors, and will barely let a few moments of conversation go by without somehow managing to shoe in a reference to how he's helped the community/his cause. It's meant to reinforce the notion down your throat that he is a good person, no matter how his behavior toward you and others close to him might suggest the contrary.
- He can't take accountability for shit. The best you'll get out of him is shallow "nice" gestures, such as maybe a few words of affirmation or a dinner, meant to be the bandages that fix his wrongdoings, no matter how irrelevant the "nice" gestures are to the actual problem. After the "nice" action, you are bound never to speak of the wrongdoing again, even if he keeps doing it. He will be genuinely shocked and offended if you suggest that the problem does not magically disappear because of one nice gesture. He will never let himself appear overtly like the "bad guy," instead using subtler ways to attempt to provoke a reaction out of you or waiting for you to get into another unrelated disagreement with someone else. Only then will he allow his overt cruelty toward you to be on full display, so he can have the justification that you "deserved" it and he isn't seen as the instigator that he is.
- The number one way to trigger his narc rage isn't to call him a loser or unattractive or unintelligent - things that agentic narcissists care most about - it's to call him things like disreputable, dishonest, callous, self-involved, amoral, greedy, or hell, even a narcissist.

[TiredOfNarcs]

Oh I forgot this one but it's a big big one:

- He will assure you that he respects your boundaries and consent at all times, but the minute you actually have a boundary or don't actually consent, he'll pretend to respect it by claiming it's "fine" but will demonstrate his resentment in other ways.

[falsebalance2]

My FOO and now my marriage.

Oh what fun 

Also if they ever mention they are tired of being so lazy or dishonest or mean or negative...agree they are those things. That'll buy you a few months of 'I'll show YOU!" 

I am learning if it feels like an honest moment of an apologetic confession of these traits - it is a trap.

I am constantly having my temperature checked. Should I reflect the wrong image I am bad bad bad.

Almost like they use you as a camera - and expect the right filter to always be ready.

They are so fragile and when you love them you are stuck between harming their ego or harming your own mental health