Adult SG, How do you cope?

[Lauren17]

Hello Out of the FOG friends. I'm new to this board, but I need some help.
My parents are not PD, but my father did rage. Early on, Mom realized that if she blamed me, the youngest, the rage died down.
Dad was angry about what Mon fixed for dinner? Lauren asked for it!
Grandma's priceless vase was broken.  Lauren did it!
You get the idea.
Decades later, this is such a habit for Mom that I'm at fault for everything.
Mom misunderstood a question? Lauren had a wrong facial expression.
Mom couldn't find a coffee cup? Lauren put it away in a different place.
How do you cope with this? I see and understand the dynamics here. But, all I want to do is hide under the bed until she leaves.

[Liketheducks]

Former GC, now SG, here.   I'm so sorry you're here.    It really stinks!    While, I don't have the length of victimization as a SG child.....I expect we would need to deal with it the same way.   Boundaries.   Carve space for yourself until she leaves.   If she is being rude or unkind, let her know what you will or won't allow in your home or in your presence.   I'm fairly certain that this is SOOOOOOOO much easier for me to type than it is to put into practice.   
I've watched my in-laws do this to my SIL, her family's SG.   She's a mental health nurse.   And, brilliant.   

One thing that I noticed about myself.....before coming Out of the FOG......I was so much more susceptible to the "dynamic" because I would assume a role.   Sometimes it was in the drama triangle.....but often it was the role of child to my parents.    I'm in my mid-50's.....I can be so capable in so many other aspects of my life....but when it comes to my mom....I'm a mess.   I think that is likely because she installed those buttons that get pushed by her and things get messy for my personal mental health.   When I started assuming the role of parent for my self....or adult.....mom no longer has the same power over me.   Unfortunately, she made the injury.....but I have to find my own cure.   She will not be able to help me there.   Sure, she pushes buttons every chance she gets.   But, now....most of the time I can just inwardly roll my eyes and fill my personal life with so many more good things that I just don't have time for her drama.   Of course, that makes me the cold, distance, SG horrible daughter now.   BUT, goodness, I have so much more peace in my life.   I'm no longer governed by what she might say she thinks of me.   It is so liberating.   

[Happypants]

That sounds so wearing and demoralising  Something I found myself doing only recently but finding it really helpful in those situations you can't escape - name the behaviour/trait.  It has a validating effect and feels like you can almost put the interaction in a box and leave it with all the previous similar encounters.  Examples: "predictable passive aggression", "gaslighting", "barely concealed contempt", "narcissistic injury induced rage", "looking for supply", "goading again", "projection", "blame shifting" etc.  Sometimes even just naming it as "scapegoating again" can reduce the intensity. 

[nanotech]

I cope by having very very low contact, Grey Rock and Medium Chill.  It's not been perfect. The last time I truly got scapegoated, was about five years ago. This was following a trip with elderly PDdad. 
Since then I don't get involved on that level.
Easier for me though. Dad is elderly yet independent. BPD mum passed some years ago.
When I got blamed for a difficult trip and for not looking after dad properly, I didn't react. I'm sure my dad and my NPD brother and sister all still talk about how I chose entirely the wrong train route and put hours on the journey( nope) and when dad had a health issue ( slight cold) I didn't call an ambulance, nor did I go to the hospital until after the family occasion. Then I left him with my narcissistic  brother ( he was fuming that I went!) doing his rudeness and histrionics at the hospital, while I travelled back on the train alone- upset and exhausted yes, but NOT shamed.
They can choose to try and shame us, but it's up to us whether we take on that shame. 
I knew all the time that he was malingering, and chose not to engage with the stupidity of it.  I was prepared for the fallout had it been the one time he actually was ill. I put my own sanity before his health- yep. Good for me.
I'm low to no contact, which makes it easier to live my life these days.
I've had therapy for the way my family USED to treat me. The best advice I had was, don't take their words on! Don't be concerned with what they think do or say about you.   What they say and do says more about their own issues, it's actually  nothing at all to do with you.
As you have said, your ill treatment began  as a dysfunctional coping mechanism your mum took on. It enabled her to avoid taking responsibility for the issues in her marriage. Soooooo they never got dealt with! Her unconscious ( conscious?) mind still seeks that solution. It's actually not about you. It's very likely a dysfunctional 'knee jerk' to preserve  your mum's  need not to take responsibility for anything.

I'm not sure how much you have to see your mum. You can see someone and have boundaries though. See the toolbox on here. Just remember, you're not obligated to take any abuse from family. And anything that feels like abuse, whether it's dressed up a a joke or whatever, IS abuse.  They use gaslighting to make us doubt what was said or done.

You deserve only healthy relationships. You also don't need their approval, and it's okay to live life without it.


I put boundaries  down with my dad and siblings. My dad ( finally) accepted them, siblings didn't. I'm non contact now, with two siblings. This is because they are unable to have a healthy relationship with me. I only accept healthy relationships. I no longer accepted their passive aggressive behaviour and cruelty for the sake of having a relationship with them.

I really send my best wishes to you. I can't advise about contact. Comparisons can be difficult. It's worked for me? If I have to see them( funerals/ weddings)  it's grey rock all the way. 
So just take what you want from this and leave what doesn't resonate.

But when blame pops up,  (and it will but who cares!) don't take it on board. Don't react to it. Change the topic, remember you have some errands, etc.
Read up on JADING ( see toolbox) and make sure you're not doing it.
Once I had come Out of the FOG and realised this was just  a pattern of behaviour they couldn't break, it lost its power over me.

Watch out for the love bombing. They do this to draw you back in. It's a form of gaslighting. When we change our behaviour, it's disconcerting to them. They often up their game.  It's hard for us too, and when we see them apparently being kind to us, it can make us falter. Our need for that doggone approval can reignite, we can convince ourselves there wasn't a problem after all,  and before we know it we're back to square one. 

We can't change them, but we can change the ways we respond. Take a step back from fixing/ helping them. They will often draw us in with sweet talk and supposed vulnerability, just so they have us to blame further done the line. They look for drama. Grey Rock and Medium chill are explained in the Toolbox on here.
Good luck! Glad you've found this website!

[LemonLime]

Welcome, Lauren and sorry you needed to find us.  But glad you're here!
I couldn't agree with Happypants more:  labelling the behavior is strangely satisfying and helpful.  And it's sort of fun for me now!
I don't see my uPD sib much, but when I used to, I felt like a sort of mean English teacher with a red pen grading high schoolers' creative writing assignments.......circle the "mistake" and label it.   Syntax error!   Run-on sentence!  Subject-verb agreement error!!!   You get the picture.

Applying this to the PDs speech and behavior can be a weird kind of fun for me.  Labelling the common behaviors that Happypants pointed out (and others that are unique to your situation) takes the power out of them a bit.   Then you can keep your sanity as they do their "crazy" and maybe even be a bit entertained at how predictable and ridiculous the clown show can be.   And this adds some levity and "space" to the situation which keep YOU in charge of your own narritive.   Because it keeps you the calm one.  The adult in the room.   PDs really hate it when you're calm (extra bonus).

I would also add it's perfectly fair to ask your family (esp PD ones) to find lodging elsewhere and that you can meet up with them for dinner, host a lunch at your house (if that's safe for you), etc.    It took me til I was 45 to realize my family does NOT have to stay in my home when they visit.  Having separate lodging and more space helps everyone and decreases the chance for bad interactions.

I have made a list for myself of situations I will not be in with my PD sib:
1) I will never be alone with them  (too much chance for them to make up stories about what I did or said)
2) I will not sleep under the same roof with them  (except maybe in a large hotel where they have their own room on another floor)
3) I will not work in a kitchen with them (too much drama has happened in the kitchen)
4) I will not share a space that needs to be cleaned or maintained with them (they accuse me of not doing my part and I can't prove that I've done at least half the work)

These plans get developed over time.  It's too bad that they force us to make such boundaries in order for us to be in relationship with them, but it is indeed THEIR choice.   I will not choose a relationship with them over my mental wellbeing, and that is what they are asking me to do.  Very clearly. It's one or the other, and I choose ME!!!

[NarcKiddo]

Watch out for the love bombing. They do this to draw you back in. It's a form of gaslighting. When we change our behaviour, it's disconcerting to them. They often up their game.  It's hard for us too, and when we see them apparently being kind to us, it can make us falter. Our need for that doggone approval can reignite, we can convince ourselves there wasn't a problem after all,  and before we know it we're back to square one. 

Nano's whole post is spot on but the above extract is extra spot on. It's very dangerous territory when they start love bombing, I am finding.

[Hattie]

Low contact. You don't have to see her