Birthday present

[Frieda]

I need help processing the gift my h gave me today for my birthday. I am not sure how to feel about that.

It is 1 ticket for a singer's good bye tour, so the last chance to see him.

A few things make me sad here.

It is 1 ticket. I am not very comfortable going anywhere alone.

The singer and the songs trigger me lot so I just cry. So I will sit there alone and crying.

He knows both of that.

Then I discovered he secretly recorded me when I was home alone and speaking to my friend. I'm pretty sure now he heard me there talking about going to that concert with my friend, since we both like that singer a lot. Actually I started saving money to go there with him. He is extremely jealous about that friend.

So I feel he stole that from us. The chance to do that together.

I don't know if that was his intention but I have a feeling it is.

So now I don't know what to do and what to think. Can he be that mean? Maybe he thought it's a great gift? But also he knows all the above things.

I am not sure I can go there even because of anxiety and depression. I fear I will sit there and cry and people think I'm crazy. But also it's a really good seat and it was super expensive.
Also I feel bad because he gave me such a thoughtful (?) gift and I really just started crying badly.

Please help.

[Frieda]

i understand i seem ungrateful here. The problem is I feel trapped. I would sell the ticket but i am scared he will use that to be mean somehow. He does that often. He sets traps and if i react the wrong way hell breaks loose. If i go there he will tell everybody what a great gift he gave me and what a mean wife i am for treating him so bad. If i sell it he will tell everybody how mean i am as well, because I didn't want to go.

I asked him why a ticket only for me. His answer was it's because I said once we should be doing stuff on our own, too. So I think it was right about him not wanting me to go with my friend. He said couples should do things only together, like the same things, have the same friends. Or better all I do should be only with him but of course he would go out by himself, because i have to watch our son.

So does anyone have an idea how to react? Did anyone else receive a gift which seems to be nice but isn't?

[moglow]

That's for sure a double-edged sword - where's the fun in attending an event alone?? Him knowing you and your friend wanted to go just makes it petty on his part. If HE were your friend, he'd a) buy tickets and go with you even were he not that interested in this particular singer, or b) present tickets for you and your friend and encourage y'all to go.

He's going to put his own twist on it regardless, that he's being all thoughtful and magnanimous and you should be so grateful. But he's not, at the same time. It feels to me like he parked you firmly into a corner of his making. I'd be mighty tempted to sell the ticket and use proceeds to get with my friend and buy a pair together. I just don't know what kind of shitstorm that would create between you.

I'm no help, I know. This just feels icky to me.

[moglow]

Side question - he secretly recorded you?? Honey no. That's just not right. There's bigger stuff underfoot here.

Glad you found us and hope you can find the support you need as you work through this.

[Poison Ivy]

moglow wrote what I am thinking.

[Cascade]

You could sell the ticket, not telling your husband of course, and then you and your friend could buy tickets to sit with each other. Or you could sell the ticket and leave on the night of the concert and go somewhere else, though that would probably involve some lying which you may not want to do. I don't think this was a very good gift since it puts you in this uncomfortable situation. I know I would hate to go to a concert by myself. The most disturbing thing of all is that he recorded your conversation. I'd do whatever I could to make sure that would never happen again. There has been times I've wondered if my husband was doing that too, though I never found any real evidence.

[1footouttadefog]

Sounds like a joy killing gift anyway you look at it.

Another motive came up....to get you out of the house so he could do something he wants to do alone or with another. 

I am sorry you were recorded.  On the other hand I resorted to doing that with my spouse.  Money was disappearing.  It became a lot of money.  I recorded the phone calls leaving the house on the land line to find mine was carrying on with a woman he had known in another state 40years earlier and was believing they were back where they left off and  she was encouraging him to send money. 

[Frieda]

Thank you very much for your input. I calmed down a little bit now and i think i will try to sell it.

Sounds like a joy killing gift anyway you look at it.

Another motive came up....to get you out of the house so he could do something he wants to do alone or with another. 

This is possible but most likely he wants to teach me a lesson because I started doing things without him. He loves teaching lessons and prove other people wrong.

About the recording, yes that was a shock. He did it because he wanted to know what I talk with my friends. I stopped telling him much when i realized how much he controls me.
Over the soon 20 years of our relationship I stopped seeing friends because he wanted to be there all the time. Also if friends complained. He would make it difficult to meet and also criticize them, very subtle of course. So after a while I just stopped talking to people.

Our first few years together were a long distance relationship. Maybe that's why I did not see how controlling and jealous he is.  There was a time when he would look through my phone and read my e-mail. When he finally printed out my phone bill with all the phone numbers I called and marked them and questioned me who I called - I threatened him with breaking up. After that he calmed down but maybe he was just hiding better. Also I was not anymore in University and didn't have much contact to men. We were living together at that point, so i decided to forgive him.
I became even more isolated after our son was born and we married but i was too busy to realize. Then when our son went to school finally and I was responsible for everything I became depressed and went to therapy. I saw how much I needed interaction with other adult people and started to make friends again. He hated that. He doesn't like them. He puts them down as much he can. And he is very angry about this one friend who refuses to meet him. He says I should only have friends who are also his. But because of his very intrusive behavior they just don't like talking to him. He talks to them as if he knew them his whole life when in fact he met them for the first time. It was very weird to watch. Also he started to put me down in front of them so they kept distance.
Luckily one of my friends spoke with me and I listened. I understood I have the right to have my own thoughts and I don't have to share everything with him. I changed my passwords and locked my phone. I also lock my computer when i am away. That's why he had to voice record me over 3 months with a secret voice activated device because obviously I must have secrets. Also it's his right as my husband to know everything i do.  And everything I own is his as well. When i found that device I was shocked and felt violated. I decided that was one step too much and I went to get help at a women's shelter and they advised me to make a plan for leaving, get a lawyer and not to tell him about before everything is prepared. I am working on that now, but it is not easy since I have no income and he refuses to give me money.

Oh the reason why he would snoop through my mails and messages was... because we were long distance he used this to connect and to know what is going on in my life. So instead of just talking to me he read my conversations with friends. Of course it was my fault he couldn't talk to me.

Side question - he secretly recorded you?? Honey no. That's just not right. There's bigger stuff underfoot here.

Glad you found us and hope you can find the support you need as you work through this.

So yes i know. The recording is awful. Working on getting out already. But very slow and careful. Also sometimes he is very friendly and seems to want to reconnect. Other times he wants to divorce. I am walking on eggshells most of the time and can't stand him near me. I am so confused how he could hide all his strange behaviors for over 15 years. Often i feel too stressed to move or to think. I really need to talk to people who understand how much it messes with my head and who can tell me if what feel is right. I am glad I found you.

[square]

I think the key for you is to sort it in your mind that selling the ticket and buying two is FINE and prepare to be totally nondefensive and feel absolutely GREAT about your decision if he discovers your sale and confronts you.

Prepare to cheerfully own it. "Oh yes! That ticket you got me was GREAT and even better it allowed me to get two so I can go with a friend! It worked out so well!! THANKS!!!!!!"

If you get cornered somehow, say this: "Are you saying you got me that ticket to try to make me go alone? Are you saying the gift was some kind of trap?? No? Oh, great, then we're both happy!"

If he tries to smear you to others about your ungratitude you can do the same. "Oh, I thought it was a great gift, I wonder why he is saying that? Huh, do you think he WANTED me to go alone? Gosh, that's so weird. I was really happy, I don't know why he is so upset."

[GentleSoul]

Recording you secretly.  Oh my goodness, that is very disturbing.

Sorry you have this to deal with.

[falsebalance2]

I think the key for you is to sort it in your mind that selling the ticket and buying two is FINE and prepare to be totally nondefensive and feel absolutely GREAT about your decision if he discovers your sale and confronts you.

Prepare to cheerfully own it. "Oh yes! That ticket you got me was GREAT and even better it allowed me to get two so I can go with a friend! It worked out so well!! THANKS!!!!!!"

If you get cornered somehow, say this: "Are you saying you got me that ticket to try to make me go alone? Are you saying the gift was some kind of trap?? No? Oh, great, then we're both happy!"

If he tries to smear you to others about your ungratitude you can do the same. "Oh, I thought it was a great gift, I wonder why he is saying that? Huh, do you think he WANTED me to go alone? Gosh, that's so weird. I was really happy, I don't know why he is so upset."

Oooooo 

[falsebalance2]

 

That's for sure a double-edged sword - where's the fun in attending an event alone?? Him knowing you and your friend wanted to go just makes it petty on his part. If HE were your friend, he'd a) buy tickets and go with you even were he not that interested in this particular singer, or b) present tickets for you and your friend and encourage y'all to go.

He's going to put his own twist on it regardless, that he's being all thoughtful and magnanimous and you should be so grateful. But he's not, at the same time. It feels to me like he parked you firmly into a corner of his making. I'd be mighty tempted to sell the ticket and use proceeds to get with my friend and buy a pair together. I just don't know what kind of shitstorm that would create between you.

I'm no help, I know. This just feels icky to me.

[moglow]

I think the key for you is to sort it in your mind that selling the ticket and buying two is FINE and prepare to be totally nondefensive and feel absolutely GREAT about your decision if he discovers your sale and confronts you.

Prepare to cheerfully own it. "Oh yes! That ticket you got me was GREAT and even better it allowed me to get two so I can go with a friend! It worked out so well!! THANKS!!!!!!"

If you get cornered somehow, say this: "Are you saying you got me that ticket to try to make me go alone? Are you saying the gift was some kind of trap?? No? Oh, great, then we're both happy!"

If he tries to smear you to others about your ungratitude you can do the same. "Oh, I thought it was a great gift, I wonder why he is saying that? Huh, do you think he WANTED me to go alone? Gosh, that's so weird. I was really happy, I don't know why he is so upset."

Ohmahgoodness YES!!

[Frieda]

I think the key for you is to sort it in your mind that selling the ticket and buying two is FINE and prepare to be totally nondefensive and feel absolutely GREAT about your decision if he discovers your sale and confronts you.

Prepare to cheerfully own it. "Oh yes! That ticket you got me was GREAT and even better it allowed me to get two so I can go with a friend! It worked out so well!! THANKS!!!!!!"

If you get cornered somehow, say this: "Are you saying you got me that ticket to try to make me go alone? Are you saying the gift was some kind of trap?? No? Oh, great, then we're both happy!"

If he tries to smear you to others about your ungratitude you can do the same. "Oh, I thought it was a great gift, I wonder why he is saying that? Huh, do you think he WANTED me to go alone? Gosh, that's so weird. I was really happy, I don't know why he is so upset."

That is a great idea! Thank you very much.