Estranged NPD dad brings potted plant

[WinterStar]

So, my estranged for a decade dad who lives 700 miles away showed up at my door this week. He showed up on a weekday when he thought I would be home alone. By chance, my husband was home, and answered the door. He told my father I wasn't home, and my dad handed him a potted plant with his phone number and email address and left. I had my husband throw both away, and they're at the dump now. I need to get the entire story out in a community who gets how freakin' hard and ridiculous this all is. Thanks for reading.

For background, my dad has been a bully since before I was born. He bullied me relentlessly. Called me s*** for brains. Like, he didn't say I have s*** for brains, but called me s*** for brains like it was a nickname he had for me. He told me I was dumber than a box of rocks. He said I rode the short bus to school, which was the bus taken by kids with special needs. He meant that as an insult to mean I was mentally impaired. The overwhelming message from my childhood from my dad was that I was stupid, worthless and a pain in the behind.

Anything I ever liked, he made fun of. The stuff he said about Mr. Rogers is deplorable. Anything I ever disliked, he praised. He still loves to provoke a big emotional reaction from others. He says the most hurtful thing. He needles. Whatever he can say/do that gets people riled up. All with smirk on his face. I learned to shut down. Whatever reaction I had, I just hid it deep inside. I was six when I learned this coping mechanism. I stayed small and tried to escape notice as much as possible. I hid in my room.

He terrified me. His anger would come out of nowhere over nothing. He and my mom had scary fights, and I had to just pretend I was fine after witnessing them. Once, when I was 11, I said something my dad didn't like. He took me to the end of the driveway, and I could feel the rage reverberating off him. Slowly, he pointed, one by one to the other houses on the block. And he said, slowly, shaking with the rage, "If you ever do anything like that again, you can find a new place to live." And then he walked back to the house. For a moment, I had a defiant thought. I could walk to a friend's house. I had a couple of options. I could just stay there until my parents panicked and came looking for me. And then I thought about how my father would react to that in front of my friend and her family. And I thought about what he would do when he got me home. And I realized that I had no one to turn to. I couldn't tell my mom. She used to say, "He loves you, he just doesn't know how to show it." I had no friends or family or any adult or any person I could talk to about that day. I knew I was completely alone. And I turned and walked back to the house. It broke me.

Eventually, he left my mom, and left me to pick up the pieces of a BPD mom who had parentified me for as long as I could remember. We were all supposed to move for his new job. He went on first, and then came back one weekend to help us get things ready, but instead, he told us all we weren't coming with him. We had already started packing, and the house was for sale. My mom had no idea what to do. She barely functioned. Every day I would ask her, "What needs to get done today?" and I'd help her pay bills or whatever needed doing. I didn't want to talk to my dad, but my mom said I had to and forced me to have phone calls with him. She also told me about all the weird sex stuff my dad had in the basement, including explicit videos he was exchanging with women while my parents were married.

Once I was in college, I didn't communicate with him. Then, I got an anonymous bouquet for Valentine's Day. I was so flattered and so excited, trying to figure out what guy had done that for me. I remember the pit in my stomach and how nauseous I felt when I realized that my dad had probably sent them. It was supposed to be a "sweet" gesture. And I felt like I had to reward his efforts, so we got back in contact. He dated a few different women. One was someone he dated before my mom, and the story was that he dreamed of her the whole time he was married to my mom. The next woman, he didn't know beforehand, but they were destined to be together because my dad had caught a fly baseball at a game when I was a kid and the woman had seen my dad do that and had known she would be with him someday. I'm sure it's all a weird delusion that she actually saw my dad on TV.

In 2010, after my first child was born, my dad called to tell me he was headed to federal prison. He said someone gave him something, and he didn't know what it was. He should have gotten rid of it but showed it to someone else instead and that person turned out to be an undercover cop. I got off the phone and told my husband it was either illegal pornography or drugs. My husband guessed drugs, and I guessed porn. I was right. I got the court documents, and my father had pled guilty to knowingly possessing child sexual abuse materials of girls who were no more than 11 years old. He was involved in chat groups where men pretend to be women who are into men who are pedophiles. Sometimes my dad pretended to be the woman. He continued this behavior for years and made up stories about abusing his step daughter, which was what got him arrested.

I visited him while he was in prison. I kept in contact with him, sent him things. I knew he was meeting with a therapist and wanted to support him in case this turned out to be the wake up call he needed. Near the end of his time there, I told him we would need to talk before planning an in person visit. I said I knew what had happened and needed to know he would be getting help to work through things in order to feel comfortable with seeing him in person. He said he didn't need help. He said the people who put him in jail would "pay for their sins one day" because my dad hadn't really done anything wrong. I wrote him back and said I didn't want to hear him blame other people. He cried to my brother about how I was keeping the grandkids away from him, and my brother sided with him, which drove a wedge between my brother and I. My dad is still a registered sex offender who stays overnight at my brother's place with my nieces and nephews when he visits them. My brother is mad at me. It's bananas.

It's been 10 years since then. I still send him a Christmas gift because that's what works for me. But I don't write him anything or do anything else and haven't seen him. He has never called and never written. He sends cards for the kids' birthdays and Christmas. My husband deals with those. Then, he shows up at my house that he's never been to with a potted plant. He didn't call first. He was probably visiting my brother, but my brother lives a four hour drive from me. He thought I would answer the door because he expected me to be alone. I know how he thinks, and I am certain he views his actions as heroic. In his mind, his daughter has been treating him horribly for a decade, keeping the grandkids away, part of the injustice that happened due to that undercover police officer. He has done nothing wrong and still reached out with a peace offering. I know he'll tell my brother and drive that wedge a little deeper. I'm not sure the relationship with my brother will survive this.

I feel paranoid, like I'm being hunted. I'm not sure whether or not my dad will try to come back. I'm still terrified of him and do not want to see him. I don't want to ever see him again. There's nothing to say, so there's no reason to contact him. I stated very clearly that I wasn't comfortable seeing him in person unless he was getting help. And I'm not rewarding him showing up unannounced.

[Sneezy]

I am so glad that your husband was home and answered the door.  Can you get one of those doorbells with a camera so that you can always see who is at the door before you answer it?  That way, if your father shows up again you can tell that it's him and just not answer the door.  Your dad sounds like someone that you absolutely need to stay away from, both physically and mentally - good for you for taking care of yourself. 

[Andeza]

Doorbell cameras are awesome, but if they are outside your price range, wide angle peep holes are actually really easy to install with a drill and a little patience.

In your mind, you need to decide now what you are going to do if he does show up. Will you pretend to not be home and wait for him to leave? Will you call the police and have them tell him he is not to set foot on your property again? (They'd rather come do that than have you trying to do it yourself if it puts you at risk) Knowing what you will do, rather than wait to see how you react, will help put your mind at ease. Having a plan helps. Having a plan also increases your security.

I'm going to focus on security for a minute. Peep holes have already been mentioned, but you can also pick up window and door screamers pretty cheap online, and even whole security systems with door locks, panic buttons, etc. We are talking about a man who did enough stuff wrong to land his butt in federal prison and end up on the sex offender registry. This is not a safe person.

[LemonLime]

WinterStar, I am so horrified on your behalf for what you have endured in your life.  You are brave and strong and have managed to create a life for yourself from a terrible situation.  I will leave advice to others, but want you to know that you are seen.

[Cat of the Canals]

WinterStar, I can't imagine how you're feeling after this tremendous breach of your boundaries and privacy. I would be livid if either my PDmom or PDmil showed up unannounced like that, and we're not even NC!

I agree with the idea of coming up with a plan. You can't control whether he comes back or not, but you CAN control what you do if he does. It's easy to get stuck in a loop of "What if he comes back? What will I do?" The simplest way out of the loop is to answer the questions. They may seem unanswerable in the abstract, but they really aren't.

I would also consider your kids. Do they go outside in the morning to wait for the bus? It might be wise to wait with them or drive them to school for the next few days in case he tries to intercept them on the street and fill their heads with his "poor Grandpa" story.

[nanotech]

I'm in agreement with all of the advice on here.  It's horrifying for you. Your brother's
attitude and behaviour are unbelievable.
I''m sorry you're being put through this.
     

[WinterStar]

Thank you, Sneezy, Andeza, LemonLime, Cat of the Canals and nanotech.

I rarely answered the door before this, and I certainly will check to see who is at the door before answering from here on out. I also spoke with my children about the fact that he came by, and they all have age-appropriate info about my dad. I hate that I have to be cautious and paranoid for the rest of his days, but I don't really have a choice. I've dreaded that he may try it for 10 years, and I knew that if he ever did ambush me anywhere, I'd just get away from him as quickly as possible.

The night after this happened I couldn't sleep. I still have all the curtains in the house drawn. I haven't gone for my usual bike ride. It's so unfair that my dad disrupted my sense of safety and comfort in my own home. I guess he thought I'd have to talk with him if he came by and had the element of surprise?

My dad somehow convinced my brother that he is innocent, and I suppose he thinks that if he can just talk to me he can do the same to me. I learned to never stand up to him directly very early and never openly disagreed with him. So from his perspective, I guess it looks like his charm works on me too. He is a gifted gaslighter.

I think it's time to go full no contact with him and his family and possibly my brother, depending on how he reacts. I feel a pull toward strict NC with my BPD nice waif mom too, and it's heartbreaking to be facing losing all family members.

[WinterStar]

My husband has been really supportive in tossing mail from my dad and agreeing with me that my dad isn't a safe person. But he said a few things that really bother me.

After my dad showed up this week, my husband let me know I could see my dad if I wanted to. He said he knows I'm more comfortable with email and now that I have my dad's email address, I could email him. He said that if I wanted him to, he could put the potted plant in the yard. When I told him that these comments are incredibly unhelpful, my husband responded that he was just trying to let me know I could make whatever decision I wanted about my own contact with my father and my husband would support that.

It's just that I'm terrified of my dad. I don't want to see him. I don't want to email him. I don't want a plant in our yard that is a constant reminder that my dad was here at our home and thought it was okay to show up uninvited and unannounced. My dad chose to come at a time that he thought I would be alone on purpose. He picked a time I would be more vulnerable on purpose and used the element of surprise to further throw me off balance, again on purpose.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can communicate to my husband about my dad? My husband says my dad is fun in small doses. And it's true that short parts of short visits could be enjoyable in the past. But I always had a lot of anxiety around my dad because I knew he was capable of switching to rage on a dime, so I could never really be relaxed. And there were a lot of things that he said or did that really bothered me, but my husband always saw them as little things and didn't get understand that there was a mental and emotional toll for interacting with my dad.

[notrightinthehead]

Sounds like you are still traumatized by your dad. And when you see him in person you go back to the child state and freeze.  You forget that you are an adult now and can defend yourself.
The response that you had to your dad showing up at your door might be an indication that you would want to work on your c-PTSD with an experienced trauma therapist.
I agree that your dad is not a safe person, however, you are an adult now and you do not want to give your dad, or any such person for that matter, such power over your well being. You do not want to give your dad the power to take away your feeling safe or go on bike rides. Therefore you might want to work on your trauma response. So that next time your c-PTSD gets triggered you can quickly get yourself back into a state of calmness and serenity.

[nanotech]

I had trauma therapy last year- it helped me so much. My therapist gave me some written advice explaining what PTSD/ CPTSD is, and  how survivors may act and feel as a result of this trauma.  This was to give  to any friends or family that I felt would benefit from it. That was left up to me.
One of my adult children gained much more understanding of my experiences,  and how they have impacted upon me after my diagnosis, especially after seeing this literature. It validated what I'd been though. 
Yep. We shouldn't need validating to loved ones. I get that. They should just 'know'. But sometimes those that truly love us need a bit of help and guidance with accepting that we have been treated so appallingly by those whose priority should have been to nurture us and keep us safe.
It sounds as if you dad had his best grooming face on when he saw your husband. How dare he. I've been there with this.
To your husband it's just a  simple potted plant, but you know it as a Trojan horse.
Trauma therapy is likely to help you close this perception gap.
It's possible too, that your husband just doesn't like seeing you so upset, and is putting it down to you somehow feeling grief  and sadness over having no relationship with your dad, rather than fear.
You've  quite rightly brought about  the non relationship  and that's what you desire to continue. That's what's important for your safety and your sense of security and peace.

[Leonor]

...

THE CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER IS "FUN IN SMALL DOSES?"



No, nope, nuh-uh, no way, aw-hell-to-tha for your dad and your mom and your brother and the horse they rode in on.

He's a child molester.



Period!

Not fun!

The next nutjob from your fam who shows up at your house with a potted plant deserves nothing less than a broken terra cotta hat, hair full of dirt, and the door slammed on their nose.

The nerve of these people! Really!