Do *I* want to go?

[falsebalance2]

 

After maybe a few words being spoken all week and in this new strange place of GR the past several months - it is painful to see the drips of water I relied on to keep going for this person.

The answer is so simple without a trauma bond.

Updh invited me to
...drum roll....
Go buy himself things.

Gave me a list of things he needed and said it would be "fun" if I accompany. Also dangled a carrot that used to be appealing to me but is no longer. The saddest part is imagining he is lonely. I guess I should say he needs supply today. I'm not sure what it is in me that when I see a need I could fulfil that I feel selfish if I don't meet this need. My background has me tangled that as a woman I should meet this need.

Perhaps being lonely my entire childhood and wishing someone would rescue me from this lonely prison - I feel cruel for declining an invitation. Not because I believe my presence matters - but because there is an inward tangle there - meet my needs or meet someone else's. There is no compromise with an unhealthy person. A healthy compromise would be - certainly. I would love to go if going also meant an apology and actual change for weaponizing silence and finances and my weaknesses.

My love language is quality time and words of affirmation - so this is the weaopon...but also a saving grace for waking up - because this pd can't sustain faking quality time.

*Not with him.*  <--- this seems to be my answer inside of myself. Yes I love to have fun. Yes I enjoy going places. Yes I enjoy life, hobbies, and certain people.....*nwh* and I feel a level of guilt for that. But all week I've been having to plan for a difficult road ahead while my heart feels like it is tearing in two... and he just keeps marching on pretending our house isn't metaphorically burning down.

I have been feeling ill over keeping my own security lately and I am uncomfortable that I have to show so much "tough love" lately as I mourn the loss of this fantasy that I had in my mind of actually having a relationship.

So being invited into his life today gives me choices.

1. Pretend everything is 'normal' - go have "fun" as he defines it - shopping for his 'needs and his interests' and being a sidekick. Taking blame for any issues coming up and trying to pick places to bring him supply. (What a life I have lived! memories of not being out in nature as I would have loved - but being dragged through camping and outdoor STORES as a means of future faking. Saying when we could afford all supplies then it would be fun....then we even got everything needed and went on a few trips and he "decided" it wasn't for him.  Something I loved growing up (camping) - I let become higher maintenance than I ever experienced - and it wasn't enough for him.  No supply in nature...so I watched that die a slow death like every other hobby I enjoyed. Even admitted if I'm better at it than him it turns him off things.)

2. Go and observe his behaviors so when he inevitably switches to victim I can say I went along with his request for "fun" - subsequently having to be on gaurd the entire time and subjecting myself to mind games and being in a car with him.

3. Politely decline and feel bad he is out lonely feeling the consequences of being a rotten person - imagining how dejected he must feel and how boring it is to go shopping alone, etc. etc....beat myself up for his self-inflicted pain

4. Politely decline, knowing I made the decision for myself. While yes - "fun" with this person is all I ever wanted - "fun" for me can't be had until this person admits they have been wronging me and secretly plotting and protecting themself to my detriment. And it's not looking good for that to happen.

*not with him*

His invitations are painful - even if they could possibly be a sincere attempt at connection - they expose how seriously out of touch he is.


And isolating - because here I am in a forum because I wish to spare people in my life the double bind.

No wonder I am exhausted. The mental math I have to do to and walk on eggshells to avoid punishment - instead of sticking with my intuition.

The FOG is a dangerous place to be for me.

[falsebalance2]

and what is wrong with me?

I cook up a nice dinner....forget how he really hates me...I saw him look up from the door expecting a kid and when he saw me his face twisted into disdain....

but there was an actual hilarious moment during dinner and the shared laughter made me forget for one silly moment.....I started talking about my day and realized he ignored me and started talking to our son.

so I quickly got up to clean up and he retreated behind his locked door.

Why does hope die such a slow one?

[square]

Hope dies hard.

But it does die.

Mostly.

[notrightinthehead]

Yes. Hope is almost impossible to kill. The longer we have lied to ourselves, ignored reality, and clung to some romantic fantasy the harder it is to kill.
I think that maybe we believe that if there was no hope then everything we have suffered would have been in vain. And reality tells us that our partners are who they are and not who we want them to be. And the faster we accept that we will realize that we have been chasing an illusion while ignoring what was right in front of us the whole time.

[Boat Babe]

I've heard it described as toxic hope because it keeps you in the relationship (hope) that is destroying you (toxic).  Once you fully take on board the fact that a person who is cruel, abusive and so very, very damaging WILL NOT CHANGE, then you can let go of toxic hope. 

I hear the pain in your words too False balance. To have truly loved someone and then to have been abused by them is so utterly heartbreaking. To experience this on top of a painful, lonely childhood (I know that one) just sets off ALL the feelings.

The only thing you need to decide is how long you want to live with this situation. While you stay, you will continue to suffer. You will incur cumulative damage to you self esteem, your confidence, your emotional regulation, your social life, possibly your professional life etc etc. You certainly won't be able to heal from your childhood wounds.

Sending hugs because this is hard.

[falsebalance2]

Square,
you're so right.

I need to be at peace with my decision.

It feels like pulling a plug. Giving up on someone isn't something I take lightly.

now after tonight....I am done. I have to stay in the house and pray he gets irritated enough or meets a new supply (which by the looks of it he may be working on this).

I'm his problem now....not his solution.

nrith yes! I'm more saddened that I lied to myself for so long. I have to forgive myself.... I was raised for this type of life.

and thank you Boat Babe! Your words were a comfort as well.


I think the key is to decide once and for all I am done. At which point I will watch him self destruct.

he does the smallest things which he knows are big things to me - and then gas lights me and ropes other people in - so it'll sound like I left over him wanting to go to a casino and smoke and watch sports games....so a few men will side with him....because they only know the half of it.  They won't know the psychopath strategically planned a death by a million pin pricks.

That's all he has. the court of public opinion.

if I didn't have his children I would be long gone.

so please mark my words I am done consoling and holding onto this razor-blade of a human.

No more hurt feelings over what this man is capable of. If it hadn't been me it would've been another victim.

I will survive.

[1footouttadefog]

Grieving your self, your participation in the whole thing and the time and opportunities lost is a big one.  It's important and in my opinion a required process for healing. 

It can be intense coming to terms with your own part in the whole thing.  I had a rough spell and there was some intense anger that boiled up to the surface.  I did not like feeling it but knew it was healthy that it was bubbling up and being processed.  In understood it as a phase of grief. 

Afterwards I found myself empty and stagnated in life as if I had been in a time warp.  I had to find who I was in the new Out of the FOG life where my peers had moved on matired and aged physically, socially and we're in a different state of life.  I was where I had entered the marriage decades earlier. 

[falsebalance2]

@ 1 step,

Well said. At least the sadness serves a purpose.

And at the end of it all I know I'll be able to see many ways I can be thankful.

[escapingman]

Grieving your self, your participation in the whole thing and the time and opportunities lost is a big one.  It's important and in my opinion a required process for healing. 

It can be intense coming to terms with your own part in the whole thing.  I had a rough spell and there was some intense anger that boiled up to the surface.  I did not like feeling it but knew it was healthy that it was bubbling up and being processed.  In understood it as a phase of grief. 

Afterwards I found myself empty and stagnated in life as if I had been in a time warp.  I had to find who I was in the new Out of the FOG life where my peers had moved on matired and aged physically, socially and we're in a different state of life.  I was where I had entered the marriage decades earlier.

Deep into the FOG we play the game, the dramas, we don't see it, we try to survive. I have done so much wrong in the FOG, all I cared about was to try to heal STBX and to be one step ahead to avoid any problems. Now when I am exiting the marriage I realise, mentally, I am still the same age as I entered the marriage, but my body has aged.

[falsebalance2]

So true.

Every night I feel nauseated thinking of how much of my life has been a lie.


And the anger I have that this madness will affect my children and that he sees them as pawns and tools for control not PEOPLE.