new group?

[Pepin]

I'm amazed that I have been here for 7 years trying to use this forum as a tool in my arsenal to stay grounded while having had to deal with CN MIL who was part of my life for over 25 years.  My very first post is in a response that highlights the struggle I am already having with her in my life through my DH.  It has been a very tough journey, probably even worse than my having being raised by a narcissist because my husband would not admit to the dysfunction.  He either chose not to see it or could not see it. 

Normally a person like myself would only be dealing with C-PTSD from my traumatic childhood, but having CN MIL a part of my life was a daily triggering and provided little room for me to heal from my past.  It took me much longer to heal from my father than I think would have been reasonable -- but it was easier to do by having gone NC which wasn't an option with CN MIL.  My DH wouldn't allow my NC with her out of his own sheer embarrassment. 

Now that she is gone, I am incredibly angry and numb.  I am doing my best to not take it out on my husband...but he really is a big part of this dumpster fire.  I know that other family members are hoping for my husband to come forward and admit to the dysfunction.  I don't know if this is something he can do.  And in turn, I am embarrassed for him.  I truly am.  I want to support him and encourage him to do the "right" thing.  I want to have conversations with him that I have been unable to have before.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want to be angry with him....but I am seething.  Disgusted.  Damaged.  Embarrassed.  Demoralized.  Ashamed.

Would the moderators consider adding a group in this forum for those of us who are dealing with complicated grief after the death of a narcissist?  There aren't many of us at the moment but I sense that as time goes on, more of us will be left wondering how to move forward after the death.  It certainly isn't over.  The flashbacks and memories are still there.  The daily triggers and dumb games are gone.  The flying monkeys are still all around...though some of them have seen the dysfunction and are very quiet now as they lick their wounds.   

[Starboard Song]

Would the moderators consider adding a group in this forum for those of us who are dealing with complicated grief after the death of a narcissist?   

The answer is YES. We will definitely consider adding such a group.

It is definitely a recurring issue, and it definitely has its own unique challenges. Like separating sibling issues from parent issues, and so on, it could possibly provide a greater sense of community for those dealing with similar issues. There is always a countervailing concern: people leaving a community, like Going NC With a PD Parent, to join a new group, can deprive members of the old group from learning, or from continuing to engage someone whose story they know from before the death.

This is headed to the mods for a discussion and decision, and I appreciate you bringing it up.

[SonofThunder]

Pepin,

I cannot empathize with your situation, but i can surely read your pain and your anger and im so very sorry you are dealing with what you describe.  It reads as if their are other family members who are aware of the dysfunction that existed and understand your frustration and limits regarding your ability to have your DH understand. 

Would a professional counselor be of any assistance to you personally at this crucial time, allowing you an additional outlet and professional to unload and lean upon?   

My thoughts and prayers for progress for you and your DH in this difficult time in your lives.   

SoT

[Associate of Daniel]

I think this is an excellent idea.

I have a friend who's exH died a few weeks ago, having essentially drunk himself to death.  She has 2 teenage daughters.

It is indeed a complicated grief that not many people would understand.

I also believe that if my UNPD exH dies before I do, I will be devastated.  I have no desire to have anything to do with him but he is a big reason why I am who I am and he is the father of my ds15.  The pain and damage he and his UNPD wife have caused is immeasurable but the grief is real.

Not many people would understand it and I believe this forum would be a great support with these situations.

AOD

[Starboard Song]

Stay tuned.

[GentleSoul]

Pepin, great idea.

My covert narc, alcoholic husband died and it has been a complicated journey to recover from it.

My narc alcoholic parents died too which was very complex. 

[treesgrowslowly]

I'll chime in here as well to say yes! This is a good idea for a new area in the forum.

The death of a PD family member is a complicated loss, and I personally believe that grief itself is a taboo topic in many circles today...so complicated grief is even less understood or openly talked about in effective ways.

People who are doing grief work are woefully under resourced from what I have  gleaned from my own seeking out of resources for this topic. If you Google the regular search terms about grief, you get pages and pages of websites that fully assume that you loved the departed one dearly and you are going through your grief like a stereotyped character in a Disney cartoon....not realistic, so not helpful to so many of us!!

Estrangement plus death in the family tends to equal confusion and complicated, complex processes for so so many people. Just from being a member on the boards here I have seen how often this topic arises, either the journey through anticipatory grief or the mix of emotions that come after the person dies; it is all so important to our healing work.

As Pepin points out so well....our own SO and our own friends or family may not have the same emotions we do after a death in the PD family.

If we worked to get our own selves Out of the FOG then we may feel SO alone in the emotions we feel... and so anything that helps folks here to process any and all PD related issues is a thumbs up from me!

That's my 2 cents! Thanks for suggesting this Pepin!

Trees

[treesgrowslowly]

And now to reply to your topic as well Pepin.

It is hard when our SO doesn't see their parent as PD, even after they pass. But I think it is common.

My guess is that a lot more people are still Foggy about the neglect or abuse they endured in childhood, more than we realize.

However knowing it is common doesn't really help you much.

Like you said, you don't want to be angry with your DH.

The thing is, we can't compel our partners to see their parents through a different lens. That is internal work that we can suggest and support but ultimately it is their internal shift that we can't force.

It may be too soon for him...even though it doesn't feel like it for you. What about if you wrote out everything you wish you could say to him, and then work on it as a letter you might hopefully be able to share with him or read to him someday?

I realize this is not the same as having the emotional intimacy we get when we can join with our partner to share the emotional experience together. I realize the pain of having emotional processes our SO doesn't understand or want to have any sharing in. I get it, and it hurts. And it can create anger too. I get that.

A lot of people feel a great deal of unmoveable guilt and shame if they even try to get Out of the FOG about the fact that their parent was a PD.  It's been said on the boards here a bunch of times, that adult children of PD parents can have a really really hard time because if they call into question who their parent was, they will feel like their own childhood isn't what they thought it was. For a lot of people, that is a place they just do not want to go.

I hope you can be proud of yourself for being so clear about what you need and what you wish you could do / say right now, and that you can find creative ways to take the thoughts you wish you could talk to him about and find ways to feel heard by us here and or with supportive others around you at this time.

Trees

[Starboard Song]

There is a new board on Out of the FOG:

Last Days / After the Funeral

It is awaiting the inaugural post.

Thank for the suggestion!