Annual Guilt Trip

[gcj07a]

Hey all--

It has been awhile since I have posted. But, yesterday I received the annual guilt trip in the mail. My birthday and Mother's Day are always within a week of each other, so it is the perfect time for uBPm to reach out. I have been NC for nearly three years now. Apparently she has sent me a birthday card each year, but the last two years DW has managed to intercept them and kept them from me. But I found this year's card complete with a two page letter begging for me to at least let her see her grandkids. Over the course of the letter she managed the following:

a) Deny that she ever did anything wrong
b) Remind me that most of my family thinks she is a wonderful human being
c) Offer to apologize for any harm I think she caused me
d) Assert that I must be projecting whatever harm I think she did to me onto her relationship with my children
e) Agonize about how she had to go to therapy to deal with the fact that I took my children from her--that she hopes was not to punish her for whatever bad things I think she did to me
f) Suggest that my F (who filed for divorce about the same time that I went NC) is able to be cordial with her, so why not me?
g) Suggest that God wants us to reconcile and forgive
h) Mention mysterious health problems and then assert that she won't bore me with details about her life since I obviously don't care.
I) Suggest that she could see my children while in the presence of DW and I don't even have to be there.

There is more, but that is the gist.

First reaction: ANGER  How DARE she violate my boundaries!?!
Second reaction: SADNESS--She is still clearly in the thralls of the PD that won't let her see clearly
Third reaction: MIRTH--She genuinely thought this letter would work? 
Fourth reaction: RELIEF--She can't hurt me any more

I am still in relief. I wonder what will come next.

Thanks for reading!

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's a lot of dysfunction to cram into two pages. Impressive, really.

I like how you can identify and embrace all those emotions in yourself. I hope you can take good care after this peep back into Pandora's box, and that next year's card either doesn't come or at least doesn't come to your awareness! My DH has intercepted and preemptively destroyed many many a toxic missive on my behalf. It really is a blessing. The ones that did reach me had many of the features of your mother's latest. I'm not sure if you caught it but she claims to both have done nothing wrong and to be able to read your mind about why you did what you did. If she knows what you are projecting onto her relationship with your kids—those mysterious harms—well then you'd think she'd address those things, yes? Instead it's all oh poor mother. And wow what an assumption that you are punishing her. If you are such a rotten person who would use innocent children as to punish another person, putting them in the middle of an adult conflict... wait, that's exactly what she is proposing doing by trying to put your wife and children in the middle, bypassing you entirely. Nope!

I'm in a similar position, NC with both my parents and parents-in-law, and so are my kids. My father proposed exactly the same setup, of having my DH bring the kids to see him without me. It's clear you are not taking the bait, but in my case I feel sure if that had happened my father would have been using that to create/further his narrative of me as an abusive mother. So so many reasons to keep the kids clear.

[SunnyMeadow]

Well I guess her guilt trip covers just about everything. This is a classic, tried and true narcissistic letter. I think my mother followed the same handbook. 

I hope you stay in the relief stage and enjoy your continued NC.

[moglow]

That's a lot of dysfunction to cram into two pages. Impressive, really.

Right?!!

What boggles the brain is that she took the time to write all that, presumably read back over it when she was finished, possibly even added or rewrote some of it - and STILL didn't see how awful it really was. So you clearly want nothing to do with her [or her you, apparently] but you're expected to hand over your children to your abuser without a word or worry. Yeah, that's what I got from all of that.

Here's a few [rhetorical] questions: She truly doesn't see that any relationship takes two, and that you've told her exactly why you are where you are in that one? What possible difference does it make what others think about her - except that you're not snowed any longer? How does she think to have a relationship with your children when she doesn't have one with her own?? Not one iota of recognition that DW is also an adult and if she wanted to take her children to see mommie dearest she would have.

My personal fave: "she had to go to therapy to deal with the fact that I took my children from her..."? I. Cannot. Even.

[Cat of the Canals]

a) Deny that she ever did anything wrong
b) Remind me that most of my family thinks she is a wonderful human being
c) Offer to apologize for any harm I think she caused me
d) Assert that I must be projecting whatever harm I think she did to me onto her relationship with my children
e) Agonize about how she had to go to therapy to deal with the fact that I took my children from her--that she hopes was not to punish her for whatever bad things I think she did to me
f) Suggest that my F (who filed for divorce about the same time that I went NC) is able to be cordial with her, so why not me?
g) Suggest that God wants us to reconcile and forgive
h) Mention mysterious health problems and then assert that she won't bore me with details about her life since I obviously don't care.
I) Suggest that she could see my children while in the presence of DW and I don't even have to be there.

Wow. We have a phone call BINGO game over on one of the other boards. This is a pretty good start for an "NC Hoover" BINGO card. It really has a little bit of everything.

[gcj07a]

Thanks everyone! Your comments have really helped me put this in perspective.

What boggles the brain is that she took the time to write all that, presumably read back over it when she was finished, possibly even added or rewrote some of it - and STILL didn't see how awful it really was.

[gcj07a]

Well, when I did not respond to or acknowledge the annual guilt trip, EnSis texted me to ask whether I ever planned to have a relationship with Mom again. When I replied (as I always do) that my relationship with Mom is none of her business, she quickly retorted the following:

a) She figured as much given that I am a terrible human being.
b) She doesn't want to be kept apprised of any family news (her example was the recent baptism of my child).
c) She hopes when my kids grow up they will learn just how awful of a human being I am.

All of this is standard issue from her. When I medium chill her, she will forget about it and we will be cordial again. Until the next time. Actually, I assume she sends me the vitriol every so often just so she can prove to M that she is on M's side and is fighting the good fight.

[Call Me Cordelia]

So your not having a relationship with your mom means your sister no longer cares about your children. Got it. But if she's not around how will she ever be able to let them know how terrible their father is? 

That majorly stinks. I have in-laws who have told us, "Fix it, or you lose everyone." Well, I can't fix it. Believe me I have tried. I was tempted to show them the crazy letter my MIL wrote (with many elements in common with your mother's) but it wouldn't have made any difference. These personality disorders don't exist in individuals only. They require a whole family system to enable them through co-dependency. The narcissistic system just can't handle anyone upsetting the balance. The denial and the cruelty to protect the illusion go deep.

[M0009803]

These personality disorders don't exist in individuals only. They require a whole family system to enable them through co-dependency. The narcissistic system just can't handle anyone upsetting the balance. The denial and the cruelty to protect the illusion go deep.

This is the inherent problem.

Kudos to OP to be able to medium chill the sister.

I just couldn't do it.  I tried to maintain NC with updM and IpdSis while still having some relationship with my other siblings, but it just became impossible.

The dysfunctional core of people will try again and again to bring you back into the fold, using the siblings you are still in contact with.   Over time, you start to get the feeling like you never left the dysfunction, which limits your emotional healing.

You have one life to live, and I came to the conclusion that in my case, further interaction with all of my FOO was detrimental in the long-run, as the dysfunction had clearly metastasized throughout the family unit.

[gcj07a]

@M0009803,

I am not sure I can do it long term either. In my most recent reply I said that I was sorry she felt that way and that I still wanted a relationship with her and her kids (which I do--we actually all get a long fine when not talking about this stuff; I am not close to her and never have been, but my kids adore their cousins), but that I understood if she couldn't continue the relationship. I guess we will see.

[gcj07a]

Well, it took all of five minutes for her to go completely nuclear. So, I guess maybe I am done with her. I don't know. She also has a way of making me doubt myself for reasons I don't really understand. She notes the following:

a) She demands proof of the abuse I have suffered (which I haven't told her about in any detail and don't intend to)
b) She has informed me that every T she has spoken with about this believes I am off my rocker.
c) I am clearly not an adult since I won't have a simple conversation with her or M
d) I am a vile, horrible, terrible human being who won't put in the work to help our poor, poor M and has left all of the work to her and BIL.

Do I just need to give up on this relationship? Ugh.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think your sister's messages to you are abusive. She's already decided you are in the wrong and is having a tantrum and calling you names. How... childish. You won't have an adult conversation, eh? Well, you are politely responding to her crap which is more than she can say for herself. You are wise to not have the conversation she wants to have when this is the way she treats you.

You want the relationship and you can get along when not talking about M? Well sis, this is exactly why you won't talk about her. I guess she has to decide what's more important to her. Having you and her kids' cousins or putting you down.

[moglow]

Unfortunately some have problems grasping simple facts, such as we don't have to play all for one and one for all [the one in this scenario being mom].  Your sister doesn't have to choose sides, nor does anyone else. Those relationships are actually independent of one another, but the enmeshed/golden child rarely sees it that way. It may be that sis already hears more than enough about it but hasn't the intestinal fortitude to cut it off as very simply not her stuff.

The concept of agreeing to disagree is beyond too many unfortunately. Your relationship with your sister and her family shouldn't be determined by nor dependent on mother and her whims. Her life, her choices, same as for the rest of us.

But I've been there done that with my brothers, where they decided and reinforced I should [fill in the blank] regardless of how I was treated. One finally reminded me, she doesn't treat him that way. Know why - because he doesnt allow it. Mind blowing for me, and things started changing for me for the better. It's still a battle at times but still - they can have whatever relationship with her they want. I chose to opt out, now two of the three not only get it but are firmly in agreement it was overdue for me.

Me, I gently but firmly insist- there's no need to have the mother conversation yet again. I'll do what I can where I can, and no one needs an explanation beyond that. I certainly have no need to outline proof of anything with anyone NOR does their hearsay conversations with others/therapists concern me whatsoever. You don't have to have that conversation with her or anyone else. Period.

[moglow]

She has informed me that every T she has spoken with about this believes I am off my rocker.

But do they believe this, really? IF anything of the sort has been said, it's based on her perception not only of you but of the interactions between you and your mother, of which she [understandably] knows little and has actually seen/heard less. Her ideas of that relationship are based on what your mother has chosen to share. If she's anything like mine [and I suspect she is!] she tells your sister exactly what serves her and her only, because that's where her interests lie. But the bigger question for me is - why is she discussing ME and my stuff with these therapists? Seems to me that time and money is better spent addressing her own shite. But maybe that's just me ...

[gcj07a]

Moglow and Cordelia,

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. You both are right, of course. Really appreciative of the insight.

[gcj07a]

My last communication to her was that when and if she is ready to ​talk ​without ​first having to settle out our differences about m, then I am open ears.

So, until then, I am done. I will not be responding to any more communications from her that don't fit that criteria.

So it goes.