Do we need to respond to the resentment messages?

[brickwork]

Hi all - I have been following this website for so long and it has helped immensely with coming to terms with the reality of my FOO dysfunction and my role in that dysfunction. 

I was a MEM and my role in the FOO was that of fixer, always available, surrogate spouse, and I am truly ashamed to say, at times, flying monkey for my M.  My role change in my  FOO coincided with getting married and then shortly thereafter having our first child. 

I don't struggle with not being in the above role now, I am relieved to be out of it since it never felt real, it felt like a fake existence. A 40 year old man spending so much time appeasing his mother.  What the heck was wrong with me!  How did I become so co-dependent on my M.  I got a sense of security though, my M would defer to me, I felt important.  I think I liked holding my M's ear in the FOO.  I think that maybe I developed PD characteristics being a MEM (or maybe I always had them).  But I want to learn from this and never repeat them.

The change in my role with my M also coincided with me having to say "No, I cant do that right now because .....[I have to work], or [I am not at home this afternoon] etc" on a few occasions in a short period of time to various calls on my time. 

M's demands had ramped up massively in this period to daily requests.  I was feeling anxious every time the phone went and rushing in case I missed her calls in case I would be abused for missing a call.  Crazy stuff from me I know. 

To say I was discarded  when I couldn't jump to doing something minor for M is an understatement.   I was dreadfully verbally abused and my FOC was completely cancelled by M despite having been 24/7 at her beck and call over many years since my father died.  My daughter, M's granddaughter didn't seem to exist.  Before we got married my wife and M got on very well when together.  Although now I think my M actually resents my independence and that I have my own FOC.   

To go from my role in the FOO to ZERO  was a hard but I think necessary stage in my life.  I can honestly say that the relationship with my wife and daughter would have been under tremendous stress otherwise.   I honestly would not have had the time.  My wife was very unwell post pregnancy and I think my whole FOO drama really took a toll on her. 

So with even the most mildest of boundaries, i.e. "M, I cant do this for you now" resulted in being ignored by and in VLC with M.   But I of course still want some kind of a relationship with my M and so does my wife.  Although I have no idea as to the what this "some kind" of relationship is even possible.

My siblings have their struggles and I am VVLC with them all.  I have a sister that is so (or should I say has been kept) completely dependent and enmeshed with M . She is married with kids but seems to be able to absorb the regular abuse M gives her and her husband.  But that is her battle and she has to find her position on that.  I guess it suits her to keep M close , she just hasn't been hurt enough to act and/or she is deeply in the FOG.

I thought M and I had a some kind break through last year and she apologised for her demanding behaviour and how she had effectively ignored my FOC and I  last year after I got married and we welcomed our child into the world -  mind you this was only after my brother had thrown her out of his house after one of his abusive outbursts (he is a very difficult guy to deal with, but that's a whole other story ) and she arrived on my door step in tears with nowhere to stay and saying she needed to call the Police to retrieve her belongings.  She was very well catered to while in our home after this incident with my brother - meals cooked, time with our child etc.

So to today:

2 weeks ago I received an angry text from M out of the blue accusing me of not being around for her when a certain something happened some 18 moths ago (this was right in the middle of  my FOC and me being ignored  by M, my wife unwell, a new born and we have no help from anyone).   I actually had to really think hard on what she was talking about since it was such a minor thing I couldn't remember what I had, or hadn't, done.  It transpires that my wife, daughter and I had called over that afternoon.  So not only was the text highly combative it was manifestly nonsense.  She was clearly just looking for an argument!

I have not responded to the text.

My boundary, and I have explicitly told her this before, is that I will not participate in combative messaging (I learned that phrase from a YouTube video presented by a very good Dr.).  Now we are NC.  I could send a message just shooting the breeze and ignore her rant.  Or just do nothing and wait.

I would be so interested in what people have to say?  Is a response the right thing to do.  A very good poster on here said not responding feels like a bit of PD thing to do, although we aren't doing it to hurt but to protect ourselves.

I am not emotionally detached from M at the present time but I really am tired of dealing with her after such upheaval, conflict, stress and the drama of the last few years. Its like it will never end.   But she is my M.

brickwork

[SunnyMeadow]

But she is my M.

This summed it up for me. I put up with decades of bad treatment of me, my husband, children, my friends and even my in-laws ALL because "she is my M". She got a free pass because of this. Would I have put up with neighbors, friends or even other family members causing the same drama? Nope, it was all because she is my mother.

So this part of your post

2 weeks ago I received an angry text from M out of the blue accusing me of not being around for her when a certain something happened some 18 moths ago

made me think of a person here who said her mother liked to whip out her "Bag of Antique Injustices". For me this was a perfect way to describe it. My mother would also dredge up Antique Injustices if there was nothing exciting going on.  She'd email me some terrible thing about how I never backed her up when so-and-so said something about her, then she'd wait for a fight. Well she got one. It would tie me up in knots and I'd be so anxious about it. It never really dawned on me how my mother liked to do this when she needed a drama fix, until I read that here. She made sure I was engaged with her, even if it was to fight. So my advice to you is don't engage. Delete her garbage message and hopefully she can move on to someone else. Even if you message her back to say you aren't going to get into that, she'll take that as she can continue coming after you.

My boundary, and I have explicitly told her this before, is that I will not participate in combative messaging (I learned that phrase from a YouTube video presented by a very good Dr.).  Now we are NC.  I could send a message just shooting the breeze and ignore her rant.  Or just do nothing and wait.

Combative messaging - good one! I wish I had heard this years ago. It keeps things in perspective just like the bag of antique injustices. Stay NC, no good will come from a shooting the breeze text. She will bring up that you didn't reply to her combative message. Save yourself the anxiety and aggravation and live your life with good people who don't cause chaos.

[moglow]

Brickwork, I'm glad you found us, even if what brought you here is not what I'd wish on anyone. Mine's sent those texts as well and it was always a lose-lose proposition - respond and the next round of war commenced. Don't respond and "I don't care about her." There was never any appropriate response and no consideration that we all have our own stuff, and maybe don't need that pile-on of hers yet again.

Problem was, that abyss of resentments and problems she dredged over and over was senseless when the "events" occurred, and none of it improved with time and her repetition. She'd ask questions and refuse to listen to my answer, if I refused to answer it yet again [and be talked over the whole time] I was pouting. She literally said more than once "but that's not what you said before, you said xyz!!!" Okay. Go with that - you got an answer, asking the same questions over the course of years/decades doesn't change anything or help anyone. Move on already! If she ever got a heated or emotional response from me, suddenly butter wouldn't melt in her mouth and she felt all justified for this round. Decades of this bs.

...her mother liked to whip out her "Bag of Antique Injustices". For me this was a perfect way to describe it. My mother would also dredge up Antique Injustices if there was nothing exciting going on.  She'd email me some terrible thing about how I never backed her up when so-and-so said something about her, then she'd wait for a fight. Well she got one. It would tie me up in knots and I'd be so anxious about it. It never really dawned on me how my mother liked to do this when she needed a drama fix, until I read that here. She made sure I was engaged with her, even if it was to fight. So my advice to you is don't fight. Delete her garbage message and hopefully she can move on to fight with someone else. Even if you message her back to say you aren't going to get into that, she'll take that as a continuation of the fight.

All of that sounds painfully familiar. Mine's a past master although I'd never put a name to it. So many years lost in that ugly cycle with mine, with fewer and fewer bright or even calm spots.

Short answer: No, you don't need to respond. I'm of the mind that no good deed goes unpunished in some situation and this is most assuredly one of them. Were it an actual problem that needed to be addressed, she'd have said something at the time.

[FromTheSwamp]

  You told her you would not respond to combative messaging, and you have held that boundary by not responding to this one.  Excellent!  Whether you choose to message her in the future about something else is entirely up to you and how you feel at that time.  But I would give yourself some time before you even consider that. 

[Andeza]

Nope, you don't need to reply. If she wants to be mean and nasty, she can go do it elsewhere and leave you and your family out of it. You are not obligated (the O in the FOG) to respond to mean and nasty. She's old enough to know "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

I also agree whether you decide to ignore that message in the future and focus on innocuous subjects is up to you. Some pwPDs just want to vent their spleen and so long as they think they've had their say, they're happy to move on for the time being. Until they whip out that Bag of Antique Injustices again. It's never over. No perceived slight is ever allowed to truly die and be forgotten with them.

[Cat of the Canals]

I have not responded to the text.

My boundary, and I have explicitly told her this before, is that I will not participate in combative messaging (I learned that phrase from a YouTube video presented by a very good Dr.).  Now we are NC.  I could send a message just shooting the breeze and ignore her rant.  Or just do nothing and wait.

I would be so interested in what people have to say?  Is a response the right thing to do.  A very good poster on here said not responding feels like a bit of PD thing to do, although we aren't doing it to hurt but to protect ourselves.

There is a big difference between NC and "the silent treatment," which is often what PDs are doing when they cut off/ignore us. It may LOOK the same, especially to an outsider, but they are two very different things.

NC is about maintaining boundaries: You have chosen a boundary. You have stated this boundary to her (which is going above and beyond, in my opinion, since "I won't engage in toxic communications" shouldn't really have to be said). She has violated the boundary, demonstrating she can't really be trusted to respect them going forward.

Silent Treatment, on the other hand, is about punishment: You didn't give me what I wanted, so now I'm going to stop speaking to you and make you regret saying "no" to me. Maybe once you give me what I want or grovel at my feet, I will consider talking to you again.

NC is protection. Silent Treatment is a weapon.