My daughters the mean girls

[JustKeepTrying]

I am at my DDs house with her partner and my DGD - as well as my oldest DD and my DS.  We are helping her move. 

Background - since the divorce two years my DDs took my xOCPDh side stating he is the injured party and I blew up the family.  Their words.  We have not spoken a great deal but since my recent surgery they have reached out more and we are tentatively building new relationships.

Tonight at dinner the four of us sat around and talked past mutual friends.  We haven't the four of us been together mostly due to the pandemic but also because of the divorce and division.  I shared a story about a friend of a friend.  And then it happened.  Snark and passive aggressive comment said in "humor" and to each other.  And the comment hurt.  It's happened in the past and usually from my ex and echoed by my DDs. 

I'm sitting here tonight in my campervan parked in her driveway trying to help in my handicapped way and that is the way my kindness is returned.  I am slowly getting angry and in the past I would have burst in and said something to them about it and stomped off.  I'm not going to do that though - and it was usually because I always felt so defensive.  Always on eggshells with all of them about what was going to be said next and how do I react this time.  Wanting them to like me.

Not tonight.  Tonight as I mull this episode over I think - wow what mean girl behavior.  Really cruel behavior.  I don't like either of you for it and I'm not about it.    This is not a good look on either of you.

In the future, I will call them out quietly as it happens with subtle "Mean girl move there.  Not cool."  and then go on.  I know in my heart these are fleas they picked up from their dad.  I have a suspicion that the DD who is moving has labeled me as a NPD.  Sigh.  I don't look good from my actions in the past when I was deep in the FOG and trying to keep the house on an even keel.  But she has no idea what I did in the background to help her; keep her safe and protect her.  Her father comes off as this jovial and fun and injured man looking like I'm doing best here.  I looked manic and moody and awful.  But I apologized.  I offered to talk.  She refused to accept.  What else could I do?  I can't blame them for not wanting their father to be a PD.  But somehow, they are ok with their mom being one?  Hurtful.

So, I am probably not going to be friends with my adult DDs at this time.  I am going to continue to be the Mom they call when they need to know family medical history; or some small financial help or the obligatory fifteen minute call every two weeks if I'm lucky.  I will love my DDs but I don't have to like them.

My kids are amazing.  They have achieved amazing degrees and fellowships and grants and really are changing the world.  I am proud of them.  They are good to others and have overcome some real personal issues.  But they way they treat their mom would shock the world.  If someone outside of the immediate family - like even my SIL - it would have been called out.  I know I didn't stand up for myself and set a boundary but it just took me aback and really subtly worked through - and I just wasn't prepared.  As you can see I'm working through this as I write and am crying because as hurtful as it was I do want them to like me; respect me and love me.  It just makes me feel so broken.  so lost.  that the people I raised and birthed and gave my life for - literally - would treat me that way.  I would never, ever do that to them.

I'm not quite sure how or where I should go with this.  So I am going to stop.  and rest and try to keep my mouth shut as we finish packing tomorrow.  Sigh.

[SonofThunder]

JKT, im SO very sorry you experience this from your children. I can imagine the hurt coming from a child. You are a wonderful, loving, patient, brave survivor and an outgoing, strong thriver.  Im just SO proud of you that you are "...sitting here tonight in my campervan parked in her driveway trying to help in my handicapped way." That is badassery and you are a badass lady.  Hard to believe what you have overcome to just write that sentence, especially how they have treated you in the past, yet you show up in loving fashion.

Its also awesome in a very balanced way that you can insightfully read the ENTIRE situation from your deep knowledge of PD experiences and self-teaching, as well as understand all the players involved; the fleas they have picked up from their PD father.  Hypocrisy and victimhood always rules the day with a PD and they will twist reality to project onto the target and away from themselves.  It will surely be that way in my coming divorce, as my stbx will label me the narcissist and in fact she has begun posting narcissist and victim quotes on her social media to begin conditioning friends and family.  There is a possibility that your ex has described/labeled you as a NPD to deflect his own identity onto you; and if so, the kids accepted a lie.

Imo, my kids are also adults and Ive done the best damn parenting job i could in the fog and cyclical conflict hurricanes.  But my 'parenting' days are over.  I will always be their father, but friendship is a privilege and if my kids dont desire to put in the effort to truly figure out the truth, thats on them.  They know where to find me, and im not their vending machine or waiter. 

Enjoy your badassery future travels in your campervan.  One of these years, we may actually be in the same campground and not even know it, but your badass vibes will be an inspiration for certain.  Again, I'm so sorry this is occurring and that it hurts deeply.  I hope one day soon, your DD's come to the truth about you and their father, and when they do, they will know where to find you. 🎶 on the road again....🎶

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

I send you a big hug. They are adults now. They are responsible for their own behaviour. And you are taking care of yourself now. You are changing. You responded differently to the way you did in the past. Your response was a mature one.  Be proud of yourself.