The truth war begins

[hhaw]

EM:  A j0urnal is ONE piece of evidence, not everything required to get what you'll be asking for, IME.

Your stbx will be making wild claims in the other direction, so how will the Judge know who to believe in a system where everyone lies, as far as the court is concerned?

Evidence.  You should have evidence pulled and copied for every one of the 50 allegations your attorney included.  Ready.

You said the police didn't think you had enough evidence to file charges.  What changed?  It's the recordings.  I hope you know where the evidence you need is, can pull it up when you need it and play it if this judge needs evidence and it's unlikely the Judge won't, IME.

The more documentation, the better your changes for getting everything you're asking for.

What is your attorney asking for?

Where is your stbx going?

Is she gone yet?

How is GC handling it?

[escapingman]

Your stbx will be making wild claims in the other direction, so how will the Judge know who to believe in a system where everyone lies, as far as the court is concerned?

That's my concern, but as I mentioned earlier in this thread she admitted on a recording today that I have never hit any of them.

Evidence.  You should have evidence pulled and copied for every one of the 50 allegations your attorney included.  Ready.

I probably have half of the incidents backed up by recordings that I can present very quickly,

You said the police didn't think you had enough evidence to file charges.  What changed?  It's the recordings.  I hope you know where the evidence you need is, can pull it up when you need it and play it if this judge needs evidence and it's unlikely the Judge won't, IME.

I had enough evidence according to the police but I bottled it. It was my solicitor that said I might struggle with evidence, but that was before the latest recordings, latest incident and me sharing 2.5 years of incidents I had not shared before.

What is your attorney asking for?
It's a non-molestation order where STBX will be told to stop verbally and physically abusing me and the girls. If she continues she can be arrested without further notice and risk 5 years in prison.

Where is your stbx going?
SHe is only going away for a few days with a friend

Is she gone yet?
No

How is GC handling it?
GC is trying to get STBX to side with her so she can do whatever she likes when STBX is gone. It will be interesting to see how she behaves, if STBX still will go.

[guitarman]

I imagine that your GC could be very scared and frightened without her mother being around. Not frightened of you but frightened about her own feelings of feeling loving towards you.

By your calm behaviour she will begin to see you for who you really are, that is a kind, caring, loving parent. That is not the parent she thinks that you are. The evidence before her will not match her imagination.

She may try to provoke you into anger to get you to be the bad parent she wants you to be, to admonish and punish her. Then you will fit her perceived version she expects. She may have become addicted to all the adrenaline that is usually produced when your wife is around.

It will be interesting to see how she copes being away from her mother for so long.

Hopefully she will realise that you aren't so bad after all. Maybe she will start to question her own thinking. It's like being deprogrammed from being in a cult. It will take time to reassess all that she's been brought up to believe for a long time. She will have to challenge and question her own thoughts which maybe upsetting for her.

Beware of all the boundaries she may try and break. She maybe testing you to see how far she can push you. Boundaries are safety. They are in place to keep people safe from harm. Boundaries are love. Set limits with love.

I hope all goes well and you all have a peaceful time together without your wife being there.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

That peace didn't last long. GC has been pushing all day so she will get to do whatever she wants the entire weekend. There is no way, whatever anyone says, that I will leave a child of her age on her own for 4-5 hours. So she keeps pushing with STBX laughing in the background validating her she can do whatever. Ending up STBX starting shouting at me for using the wrong pan for boiling water, GC chasing after me calling me a motherf*cker for being so stupid to use the wrong pan. Both STBX and GC screaming and swearing at me with GC in the end coming trying to hit me in my face with her fist, I managed to grab her hand to stop it which meant she ran to STBX screaming and crying pretending to being assaulted. I can't do this, I am a wreck.  I am shaking. SG shouted at me to calm down. Whilst shaking I told SG did you see what they did to me, I am a mess. SG told me that is what they do to her as soon as I am away.

STBX needs locking up and the keys thrown away. I am sorry hhaw, there is no compassion for her.

[guitarman]

This sounds to be a highly volatile and a very dangerous situation. This is when accidents can happen and violence can occur. Please be so careful.

You are having all your buttons pushed and being tormented. They are trying to deliberately annoy you so much that you eventually snap and become violent.

You need help.

Can you get another adult to be there with you?

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with guitarman.

[escapingman]

I really hope to hear from the court today, I am not sure what to expect though. But STBX is going away over the weekend, at least that should bring some peace for a couple of days. I hope that will calm GC down and her abuse towards me and SG to subside. This morning, GC again was screaming and swearing at SG and STBX, I didn't hear what was going on in the background and what triggered it, but I was just laying in my bed crying, I don't know what to do to save my beautiful girls. If I interfere I immediately becomes the target for a combined assault from GC and STBX. The only ending of this I can see is one of is arrested or sectioned, hopefully that will be STBX.

[guitarman]

Thank you for your honesty. I have cried frequently as well especially when my uBPD/NPD sister was raging at our frail, elderly parents.

We all shared the same GP practice. Our GP said to me that "Her behaviour was appalling". I was grateful for that validation. However, he never reported her to the Safeguarding Team even when our father would break down and cry in front of him. A once proud and dignified man broken and dejected not knowing what to do any more to help her, his family and help himself.

I felt helpless. I wish I had spoken out earlier and got help for them but I was ignorant, scared and ashamed. I feared the consequences if I ever did. I feared my sister's retribution, threats to harm herself and her behaviour becoming worse towards her then young children and husband.

I thought it was normal to be abused. I didn't know it was abuse. I was so used to it.

Help only came when I was referred to a Mental Health Carers Support Worker by my other siblings who were not living at home with our parents as I was.

Looking back I was afraid that my sister would be sectioned in a mental hospital. However that would have been one of the necessary options open to protect our family and get her help. Sometimes the care pathway only starts when someone has a life threatening crisis. It shouldn't have to be like that for people to get the help that they really need.

I hope nothing more serious happens before you get help from the professionals. They need to know what has happened today. Everything seems to be escalating and getting worse. It can't continue.

You need professional support.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Starboard Song]

Emergency Resources

Please consider all your options, and do be VERY careful. It is dangerous to start drawing battle lines that must be defended: I won't allow.......I cannot accept.........  These can lead us all to bad places. Please engage timely IRL support, not waiting on the court if further waiting exposes you to potential risk of injury or liability.

[escapingman]

Thanks both for your posts and support. I am really worried, mainly about the Golden Child and her abuse. She keeps attacking the Scape Goated daughter who defend herself (often with violence). My real problem is to try to get in between them and stop the violence as STBX is cheering GC on and blames SG, which ends up me being the target. I am not sure how STBX has done it, but all she needs to do is click her finger and GC attacks either me or SG depending on who is in the firing line. I am only braising myself for the next battle, which should come in a couple of hours when both girls are back home again. But I am prepared, if I have to I will call the police. Not sure what you do, tell the police my daughters are having a fight. I would be laughed at as its 2 children. But, if STBX steps out of line I probably will have to call. As she will be stressed tonight, she will rage, knowing her it's very predictable.

[SonofThunder]

EM that all sucks in every direction, but im proud of you.  Your being ready to call the police at any moment is good, and I understand your child-fighting reasoning although its hard to witness. I agree with the other posters above regarding calling a support line.  The professionals there may be able to advise on a best action plan while you wait for the courts decision.  My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend.

SoT

[guitarman]

You will not be laughed at.

I was so scared to call emergency services when my sister was raging at our parents, threatening to harm herself or saying that she couldn't breathe having an asthma attack. I took the right action and called to get help for her, as any caring right thinking person would.

It was only because I was told to give over the responsibility of her care to the professionals that I did it.

It's about following through and actually doing what you need to do to protect other vulnerable people and yourself.

The abuser will then know that you are serious and will take action. There will be consequences for their abusive behaviour. They will learn that abuse is never acceptable. Calling emergency services feels very empowering to do.

My sister was careful about how she behaved after I had called emergency services. She knew that I would call for help if needed. I think she was quite shocked that I had the courage to do it. 

Don't make empty threats that you will not carry out. Calmly follow through with action. This is being assertive. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

The abuser will realise that you are serious about no longer tolerating abuse. From then on the healing can begin.

In my case because I called for emergency services more than three times the Safeguarding Team were automatically alerted. So it was thankfully all taken out of my hands. I'm so grateful now.

When you phone your call will be automatically recorded. So that is a good way to have any abusive sounds in the background recorded. If you can't talk they have protocols in place to cover that.

We need to break the code of silence about abuse. We can only do that by calmly speaking up, telling our truth and getting help. Otherwise it will continue.

I know it's not easy.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

I give up. I am so worn out, I need the girls protected but the court denied the emergency hearing and now they are going to give STBX notice so she will know well in advance of an hearing that I have applied including seeing the witness statement. She is going to crucify us all with no court order whilst waiting. Then I can't see how I will manage the court room with her as she will turn it all round and I probably end up the bad guy in the end.

[Andeza]

Sometimes courts just don't get it. What did your solicitor advise as the next step? Also, continue recording, and do not be afraid to call the police right there in the moment if she attacks you.

[escapingman]

Sometimes courts just don't get it. What did your solicitor advise as the next step? Also, continue recording, and do not be afraid to call the police right there in the moment if she attacks you.

The judge could see no reason why there would be any immediate risk with STBX being served the witness statement with no protection towards me and the girls despite things in it reported by SG that could be detrimental. There seems to be 3 options, 1 is to have an emergency meeting with the judge on Monday to convince him, not likely to maker any difference according to solicitor, second is to continue as planned but with the difference STBX knows we are trying to get her removed from the house, oh well she will take that well, or 3, I withdraw the application and avoid an immediate bloodbath. I wasn't really given any advise from the solicitor other than me choosing between 1 or 2 but not do 3 (which is what I am initially leaning towards).

[Andeza]

If you do 3 that looks bad for fighting for full custody if I had to guess.

[justducky]

EM, I've been lurking here for a long time. I'm NC with my family of origin. This wonderful community helps me stay strong and be kind to myself.

I registered an account so I can reply to this thread. My heart breaks for you and your daughters.

As others have said, you're in a particularly bad spot right now. The way STBX goads GC into attacking you and SG is horrifying. Please, please, please consider having a trusted adult stay in the house with you until STBX leaves for the weekend. She likely will not act out much with a witness there. If you can't do that, I suggest leaving for the afternoon and evening with SG.

Stay strong and protect yourself and the kids! 

[escapingman]

Thanks and welcome justducky!

As you say Andeza number 3 isn't really an option (although the escape route).

GC have been trying to pick fights with me, called me names, told me she wants me dead etc and tried and tried to get STBX to back her. STBX isn't interested as she is going away and has her mind elsewhere. GC struggles with this as she suddenly is exposed to me saying no to her, which ended up in a massive argument between GC and STBX. It felt strange that STBX suddenly backed me with GC, but I know why and it's only because it doesn't benefit her right now to back GC. I am sorry for all wishy washy sentances, it is so difficult to explain what is going on. But we are always just one second from another bomb detonating.

I have no adult I can call to get her, all my family and friends live in another country.

[escapingman]

I just feel completely deflated after this, I am not sure what to do or think. After all evidence the judge thinks there is no risk of harm. WTF! Why should I even continue with this, wasting my energy and risk further abuse just to be told it's not bad enough. I just don't know. Maybe it would have been different I was the wife and STBX the husband? I don't know.

[Poison Ivy]

Can you clarify something, escapingman? I understand that the judge denied the request for an "emergency hearing." But will there still be a hearing at which your evidence regarding your spouse's behavior will be presented to a judge?