I've finally let go

[Hilltop]

It's taken me many years and I've finally found a place where I can leave it with them, leave the drama with my parents or MIL, not take their comments to heart, step back from drama and just be at peace with the whole thing.  After spending a lot of time listening to Jerry Wise and his youtube videos and then reading about the Bowen Family System it just fell into place for me.

One of the things he said which stuck with me was see it like a tennis court.  Their stuff is on their side of the net and your stuff is on your side.  There is a net in the middle, don't go running to their side to hit the ball for them.  So now if anything happens I tend to simply breathe and take a step back and ask myself is this their stuff or my stuff.  In most cases it's their stuff and I can let it go.  I find taking a moment to breathe  I can feel the emotions coming up and I can breathe more deeply and then go to a place of not reacting to anything that comes my way. 

As for hurtful comments I guess it's taken me many years but I finally came to a place of realising that their opinion of me doesn't have to be my opinion of me.  Carrying all these hurts and burdens from years long past was not hurting anyone but myself.  I took some time out from them all and at some point came to the realisation that I'm ok and if they can't see that well that's their side of the tennis court.  It means that some jabs simply don't bother me any more, my mother has a habit of saying she thinks I'm difficult and for me now I kind of shrug, you know what if she thinks that, it's ok.  It's her story in her head, not my story.  I don't think I'm difficult, I believe everyone can do difficult things occasionally but it doesn't make everyone difficult.  If my mother has built this up in her mind and keeps telling herself the difficult story about me, well I guess it's up to her to break that mindset.  Of course if there really is something she finds hard, she can also talk to me but again it's up to her do that, not me.  So all of that is over on her side of the tennis net.  For me I simply don't take the jabs or comments personally anymore.

I don't expect them to change and if anything I expect they will continue doing what they have always done.  After reading about the Bowen Family System I saw a lot of truth in what he said.  There is anxiety flowing not only through families but society.  That understanding the situation more does not change or help anyone.  You can learn everything there is to know about a PD person or family but it won't change anything.  Trying to get the other person to change won't work. Expecting them to change won't work.  Change comes from each individual and the change that works is not reacting and individualisation, healing your own anxiety.  I mean there is a ton more to it  but even the concept of empathy not helping is new to me.  I agree with that though.  I tried empathy with my MIL for years and it didn't change anything.  The only thing that has worked for me is really stepping back and not reacting but not on a superficial level but on a deeper level where you step out of the family anxiety and don't believe in it anymore.  Where you believe in yourself.  Where you step out of the triangles.

I use to spend a lot of time worrying.  Worrying about what they said/did, worrying about what they will say or do.  Now I see worry as useless.  What a waste of precious time and peace.  In most cases what happened is the past, it's done, gone, it is now a memory.  The future doesn't even exist.  So I have now let a lot of these worries go, when something does actually happen I will handle it in the moment and if I breathe first it will be ok.

For me I have worked out how much time I can spend around these family members before it gets too much and I now stick to that.  I stick to what works for me.  I hope that everyone finds that path that works for them, that breaks them free.  My username was Hilltop because I felt I was climbing a huge mountain and really wanted to get to the top.   I feel like I am there.  My family and inlaws will no doubt bring challenges but I feel I have now learned skills to cope with any adversity that comes my way.  I no longer fear any challenges. I no longer worry about any challenges.

I hope that others here find that path that works for them too.  It really has been this forum which guided me to this path so thank you to everyone here for all your wisdom and kindness.  It has changed my life.

[mustard_seed]

This is amazing to read and gives me so much hope for myself.

It sounds like you have found a way to greatly reduce reactivity to others' behaviors, as well as strengthened your own sense of self. Thank you for sharing your story from the Hilltop

You say you've learned to pause, breathe & check in with your thoughts & emotions in the moment. Did you do any kind of practice like meditation or anything to help develop this habit? Or did it just click after all of your study?

I've just started watching some Jerry Wise, I love that tennis court analogy you referenced as well. I need to return to the family systems stuff, it's been awhile since I looked at that and it might make more sense now at this point in my life.

Trying to get the other person to change won't work. Expecting them to change won't work.  Change comes from each individual and the change that works is not reacting and individualisation, healing your own anxiety.

Another of many quotes from this forum that I'm copying and pasting into my wisdom document! <3

[BeautifulCrazy]

That was all so well said, Hilltop!

That is lifechanging stuff for me too.

I finally came to a place of realising that their opinion of me doesn't have to be my opinion of me...


...my mother has a habit of saying she thinks I'm difficult and for me now I kind of shrug, you know what if she thinks that, it's ok.  It's her story in her head, not my story.

Another piece of this, for me, was realizing that I get to choose which people's opinions count.
My spouse or parent or child's opinion of me doesn't qualify automatically as true or important just because of our relationship.
I can listen respectfully to their opinion, search honestly for truth in it by comparing it to my own perceived reality and what other important people have to say. Then I can leave it completely behind if it does not align with my experiences. 

[Hilltop]

Hey mustard seed,  meditation taught me how to breath.  Although the study helped me see all the workings of the dysfunction it didn't change anything. 

Change has come through how I deal with it internally.  They will continue doing what they do but I can choose how to respond and interact and it's that which makes the difference. 

Beautiful crazy, it's very freeing to live that way.

[treesgrowslowly]

Congrats Hilltop! That is awesome.

I appreciate what you wrote. I like where you wrote "I stick to what works for me". There is SO much wisdom in that. To stick to something, to commit to what works, and to know that this is what works FOR YOU. There is a lot of power in that short little sentence, from what I can feel from here!.

In a way, that sentence "I stick to what works for me" is a beautiful counter to family systems that are ruled by emotions of anxiety. I had to look up Bowen family system that you referenced to see what it is about. I agree, so helpful to understand our family as a system that is an emotional system.

Growth, positive change, learning and creativity cannot really thrive in a system that is filled with anxiety. The anxiety becomes a force and then people in the family shut each other down if they try to heal, change, create, learn, reach for hope, etc...

I have come to believe that in most families, there are only 1 or 2 people who are going to push back against this enough to let go. For most FOO, they are magnetized to the anxiety-based way of living and they stay with it. And they will not even be able to support those of us who are pushing for something good, healthy and thriving. They want us to stay in survival mode, so we have to let them go.

Keep doing you!

Trees