"Abuse"

[losingmyself]

Has anyone noticed the discomfort that your partner displays when something they see on TV hits a little close to home?
I see my H get agitated if the issue of DV comes up, especially if they're talking about emotional or verbal abuse. He complains that it's made -up and women are just whining about their husbands.
I think he believes that if a woman isn't physically attacked, then you can't call it abuse.
We were watching tv last night, and a woman said she suffered domestic violence for 15 years, and he said "oh, yeah, what kind of 'domestic violence?' Was her husband 'mean' to her?"
He gets defensive, even though I never said a word. It's interesting. I would like to watch one of these shows where a partner is being emotionally abused (I avoid them) just to watch his reaction. I bet he wouldn't even stay and watch it. The abuser would be saying the same words he says to me.
He's like a science project to me lately. Why defend yourself if you're not being accused? Guilty conscience?

[escapingman]

My uNPDstbxw is completely unaware of her own behaviour or that she is as bad as them on TV. If someone behaves similar to her she gets going and talks about how awful they are and need to be punished.

[Andeza]

My uPBDm is the same in that regard as EM's stbx. She was blind to the very type of abuse she was committing and would get fired up and mad at the abusive individual on the show/movie. I think that cluster type and functionality come heavily into play here.

[Cat of the Canals]

It wasn't from TV, but PDmom used to declare that she "felt so sorry" for certain kids because of the parents they had. The family she said this most frequently about was one of her coworkers, who was super religious and didn't let her kid do anything outside of the religion's rules. (No birthdays, for example.) Never mind the fact that PDmom was super controlling and restrictive in her own right. She routinely makes herself feel better by using someone else as a bad example: "That mom won't let her kid have a birthday party. I'm not like that so I'm a good mom."

[Prototypian]

My uOCPDw literally doesn't see her behaviors as abuse and for the longest time I didn't either.   I just tried to balance.  She doesn't see that the following are abusive, she sees them as the other part has a moral failing that needs to be corrected in any way possible:

Perceived waste of any kind from uneaten food to spending without clear approval from her to throwing away things that could have use.   This one is tough because her definitions of that waste fit her broad views and include things like clothing that no longer fits or is too worn to be appropriate, discarding even recycling things that can have use such as empty bottles or peppers, and losing something that could be important but that importance is defined by her narrow views (old magazines, expired advertising circulars, prospectus documents from mutual funds).   The result for this abuse is either a collection of clutter and filth that has grown to be difficult to live with or an intense and violent rage followed by a ceaseless passive aggressive sorrow if something is thrown away.  This even includes things that are not hers.   The fear of waste is incredibly ingrained in her.

Thoughts or views that do not support her world view.   This isn't meaning that I have some sort of bigotry or unhealthy thought and she is upset about it, not is it a Yankees vs Boston red Sox fan disagreement.   This could be "I hate the process at the department of motor vehicles because it seems stupid and poorly designed" and she sees them as selfless civil servants and that one should not see the process as a PITA.   Except I do hate it.   I'm not necessarily wearing a shirt that says "the DMV sucks wastewater" and I'm not complaining when I go there every couple of years nor do I complain ceaselessly.   But she is not just annoyed that I think this, she is violently angry to the point of screaming at me if I express this opinion.   We have had similsr fights about my dislike for being behind bicyclists on the two lane roads when there is a bike path next to the street.   I realize they are allowed to ride in the road and I don't deny them that right and I wouldn't run over them but I get annoyed in a 40 mph speed zone riding with 15 cars backed up behind a lance Armstrong wannabe.   I won't acto on it but it annoys me.   But I can't have that opinion..  she was so angry with me and she was driving that I had to simply get out of the car at a stop sign and walk home.  She was furiously screaming!

Playing 20 or more questions when there was not malice intended in an action.  My family (kids and I) tiptoe around her.   A mistake such as the wrong plastic ware in the wrong drawer in the kitchen or a simple decision to get out a box of Kleenex to sit on the table by the spot where you are reading a book elicits a barrage of interrogation like questions to try and find our why you did that.  You never know when it will be triggered and she won't stop of give up.   A mistake like taking the laundry detergent off the floor between the washer and dryer to sweep and forgetting to set it back down once took over an hour of her calling me in to show me what she had found, why I had done it, did I intend to not leave it on the floor, it didn't look like I had swept, was there some reason I had done it.   She was angry and trying to catch me in a lie and defecting and not letting me leave to the point I was shaking.   Her fear was that I had decided it no longer needed to be left on the floor and there was no way that was going to happen.  And no matter what I tried, I was not getting out of this interrogation.  I still get a bit of trauma over that one and she was explosively mad when I finally said that I don't care if you don't believe me,. I just forgot to put it back on the floor and that's it.  But we never know when that will happen from keys moved from one hook to another to a kid ironing their jeans, she can have some nefarious reason in her mind and won't let it go.   

Refusing to respect our time and values.   We are late to everything.   And leaving without her sounds like a good idea but it results in horrible behavior when she finally arrives and you hear about it for months.  Even awards banquets where one of our kids is the guest of honor can have her following things that are crises on social media and the kids begging her to get ready to leave and she is angry that they or we don't see the importance of the crisis.   

These represent the biggest abuses that my spouse sees as justified and right in her world.   She would never see them as abuse.

[Poison Ivy]

To me, fear of waste is not abuse; exhibiting intense and violent rage toward other people when the fear cannot be accommodated is abuse.

[11JB68]

I had a very weird experience watching Maid with updh.
The main character's partner was abusive,  mostly verbal/ emotional/ very controlling.  Updh got defensive and said "this guy is bad,  I'm not that bad,  I'm not like that,  am I??"

[Free2Bme]

What strikes me the most about this topic is the massive hypocrisy within the PD mind.  IME, they themselves are so very intolerant but cannot allow for  another person's pet peeves.  No expression of anger, annoyance, frustration, sadness, humanness, is allowed.  However, a PD will give full license to their own emotions.

My updxh was FULLY aware of his behavior, rationalized it and simply did not care who he was hurting.

Another observation, when updxh and I would watch a movie where the male character was cheating or abusing, he remained unaffected.  If the story portrayed a woman cheating or being abusive he had a visceral reaction.  I was never unfaithful, so it had nothing to do with me.

The Maid was triggery for me to watch. 

[notrightinthehead]

Watching the Maid touched me deeply and brought back unpleasant memories.
My NPDh would tell everybody who is willing to listen, that he was the abused party in our marriage. For example, he would repeatedly complain that I never cooked for him. I cooked daily, and he stated it was for the kids, not him. He follows a special diet, so I often cooked two meals, one for the kids and me and the other for him alone. I was so gaslight that I was not sure if maybe he was right. My therapist recommended to write down the meals I prepared every day.  I showed him the list after a month, yet he continued to say that he never got a meal at home.
Another example was the frequent yelling, which he would deny. When I played him recordings of his yelling, he said that I made him do it. It was my fault after all.
I have no more contact with him or any of his friends but there is no doubt in my mind that he portrays himself as a victim of a lazy abusive woman,  while he did nothing but be supportive.

[justducky]

Thoughts or views that do not support her world view.   This isn't meaning that I have some sort of bigotry or unhealthy thought and she is upset about it, not is it a Yankees vs Boston red Sox fan disagreement.  ... But she is not just annoyed that I think this, she is violently angry to the point of screaming at me if I express this opinion.

  My take on this--which may or may not be accurate--is that she doesn't want you to be a separate person. You're not allowed to have your own opinions. If you dare disagree with her on anything, she rages. That way she exerts more control and gets an endorphin fix from raging.

Playing 20 or more questions when there was not malice intended in an action.  My family (kids and I) tiptoe around her.   A mistake such as the wrong plastic ware in the wrong drawer in the kitchen or a simple decision to get out a box of Kleenex to sit on the table by the spot where you are reading a book elicits a barrage of interrogation like questions to try and find our why you did that.  You never know when it will be triggered and she won't stop of give up.   

My uPD father was like this. I was "lucky" that he was lazy and mostly wanted to watch TV with my enabling (and possibly covert narc) mother. Once parked in front of the TV with a cheap beer he didn't want to get up. When he did... oh boy. Or if enMom dared to get up and do something, like make dinner. uPDfather wanted an audience!

I was once yelled at and berated for throwing a paper towel away that "hadn't been used enough."

He inspected letters that were going to be put in the mailbox. If the stamp was crooked, the careless person was criticized and shamed at length.

IMO by this point in his life it wasn't him being anxious or OCD. I think he was a rage addict who looked for reasons to rage. He had little to no empathy for others. He didn't care that he was abusing his wife and kids. He needed his fix and to feel powerful by putting others down and controlling them. Like your wife, he would block people in rooms or rage while in a moving car. It was appalling and traumatic.

I found the "Addiction to Anger: Highs and Lows" section of dualdiagnosis.org/anger-issues-addiction/ enlightening. The following section says "When they sense a slight burst of rage coming on, they pursue the feeling until they're completely overwhelmed by the need to scream, injure, or shame." That may explain much of my father's abusive behavior.

Refusing to respect our time and values.   We are late to everything.

Yep, same. uPD father felt the need to be the sad-sack center of attention at all times. God forbid he be required to go anywhere other than work. He'd make everyone around him suffer until he got to the event, at which point he'd put on his happy face and seem to want to be there. Once back in the car, it was interrogation time. He's go over his mental list of things that enMom might have forgotten or left behind. Somehow everything was her responsibility and he was the stuff police. And if she forgot something there would be hell to pay, even if it were something innocuous like a light jacket.

I'm sorry that you're subject to similar torment, Jsinjin. It's soul-crushing.

[didntsignupforthis]

I was until recently good friends with a married couple for many years. A couple of years ago, the wife started casually mentioning things about her husband having a temper, about him controlling the finances when she was considering buying something small, about not wanting to be late getting home because it would upset him, etc. One day I gently told her that I've been listening when she told me these things, and I am here for her if she ever wants to talk more about it. She never said anything negative about her husband to me again.

Meanwhile, my younger sister had gotten out of a very abusive marriage, and her ex was facing jail time for domestic violence. I had told my friends about this, and the husband had since made a couple of comments implying that both my sister and her abusive ex were to blame, e.g. that they were just a crazy couple.

Recently, I found myself in an abusive living situation with a BPD housemate. My housemate never laid hands on me, but she frequently raged and harassed me relentlessly for months until I had to move to get away. She launched a smear campaign against me, including to this married couple, accusing me of all the things she had been doing to me and then some. The wife ghosted me completely at that point, but most shocking was the husband actually yelled at me, even as I was clearly traumatized, because he just saw it as housemates not getting along.

I finally saw for myself that he has abusive tendencies, and that's why he was downplaying and refusing to acknowledge abuse in others. So I've ended our long-standing friendship once and for all.

[Fae Greenwood]

My uNPDstbxw is completely unaware of her own behaviour or that she is as bad as them on TV. If someone behaves similar to her she gets going and talks about how awful they are and need to be punished.

My uNPDh and I were watching an episode of Bridezillas years ago where the groom was constantly berating the bride for every choice and was constantly presuming the vendors' intentions to cheat the couple. UNPDh was aghast at that behavior. I told him that he does that every time we had a major event or any home repair at all. I got the silent treatment for the next few days and no change in his behavior. And yet he can control himself when it is to his advantage. I no longer forget that fun factoid.

[Prototypian]

I know that I'm wrong and it occurs often.   I once bought a fridge that wound up being too large for the space where I hoped it would fit.  I forget passwords all the time and wind up resetting them or locking accounts up.   I used the power sprayer once to clean the porches and it cut through the ceiling fan blades.   The thing about these issues is that none of them had any intent.   Nor were they things I expected others to fix.  I'm also quite competent in many things like fixing appliances, diagnosing car problems, doing my own laundry and supporting the family with a good career and income for many years to date.   

My frustration is that there has never been that sort of "us against the world" married couple behavior.   She trusts me no more than she trusts a random stranger.   And unlike the stranger, she will explode at me or the kids over things that are either accidents or even normal decisions with good intent.   Short of space shuttles blowing up or choosing the wrong medication, I feel like most decisions made with good intent that aren't obviously damaging should be taken for what they are.  I see the abuse when someone selects to make spaghetti and meatballs for dinner when she thought we should have had pork chops.   That kind of decision has no impact on the family in a bad way, isn't irreversible and at the end, the family all ate dinner. 

I hate it because it's loud and mean and you don't expect it or get a chance to even have a discussion about it and there isn't any need for the behavior. 

[losingmyself]

I saw the situation I live in in most, if not all of your posts.
I just can't wrap my head around two things:
They all say the same things! How???
And their complete inability to see their own behavior, and how the things they say can affect how people feel about them. Especially when one word or even perceived slight from another person results in judgement that lasts forever.
I'm amazed, and so so sad that this is what I live. And what I put my kids through.
He does say things like, "I'm not that bad...See, I don't hit you..." when we see abuse on a TV show.
Why is it always about them?
If I see a woman doing something wrong on TV or the news, my first thought is never "Well, I'm not that bad. At least I don't do that"  My thoughts are for the person, or their family, etc.

[Empie2204]

God, they are ALL same !

[Cat of the Canals]

I thought of a TV example today. PDmom was always super critical of the overbearing stage moms you sometimes see on TV. (Think Dance Moms or Toddlers & Tiaras.) She was *this close* to being a full-blown stage mom when I was a kid. But since I was playing a classical instrument and not strutting around in makeup and "slutty" outfits (her words), she'd never see it as the same thing.