Reflecting on a lifetime of NPDf avoidance

[Beowolf]

I was recently ill and spent a lot of time with my thoughts while recovering. One feeling that kept surfacing was the disappointment and sadness I feel when reflecting on how NPDf was never present during the more challenging times in my life. He was always highly demanding of my attention when he needed something. But I realize that I can't think of a single time when he showed up for me in a moment of need in a meaningful way. Despite my acceptance of his mental health issues, there is still a part of me that is continually disappointed and hurt by his absence, avoidance and unavailability. Part of my healing process has involved exploring the concept of reparenting my inner child, but I wonder how others in this forum have worked through feelings of abandonment that come up when they're feeling vulnerable.

[thduda]

Self-compassion is key, but for some people that is difficult. Do you have other connections with healthy people that you can rely upon? Is there some self-soothing thing that works for you...being in nature...music...a bath...exercise...a favorite show?

Know that we are here for you...

We have your back and know how difficult this time is for you!

May you heal and be well!

Thinking about you during this difficult time!

[FromTheSwamp]

I very much feel what you're feeling.  It's a deep kind of - loneliness? pain? - to know that your parent won't ever be there for you, because it's not important to them.  You call it vulnerable, and that rings true, because there should have been a history of protectiveness from our fathers that we didn't get, and it leaves us feeling bare. 

I used to think that maybe my dad would step up if things got REALLY bad for me, but then they did, and he didn't.

I don't have anything to offer but solidarity.