Flying Monkeys

[Lauren17]

I met my first flying monkey.
it was my mother. 
Does anyone have tips with dealing with this?  She wasn't angry or accusing. But, she hit on every last one of his points. Honestly, I don't know if she's in contact with him or if she's just trying to decide which one of us to believe.

[Stillirise]

Ugh. I'm so sorry! My mother didn't go full-on flying monkey, but definitely wasn't supportive when I first told her I'd filed for divorce.  She kept pointing out all the down sides and obstacles, as if I hadn't already thought of them.

I assume she talked it over with my step-dad, who is just a fantastic guy.  The next day, she called me back, and did a 180. They've both been supportive ever since, even if mom still sometimes acts like I'm not capable of taking care of myself.

All I can recommend is since you know deep down why you're doing what you're doing, don't let others—even family—who may not know the whole story, undermine you. If your mom is at all like mine, it is more about her own fears, and her own ideas about how things should be, than about you.  Hang in there, and hopefully she will realize whose side she's on, before she lets it ruin your relationship!

[moglow]

Lauren, for what it's worth, you don't have to discuss any of this with your mother, father, siblings or anyone else - and they don't have to "believe" either of you. It's not their marriage, it's yours. No one is entitled to an explanation of your decision, no matter how much they may push. They can choose to butt.out and stay there.

[Boat Babe]

 

[Lauren17]

That's for the responses. I know that uNPD stbxh  contacted my mother, asking for help to "win Lauren back." What was uncomfortable was that she seemed to have his list of talking points and carefully, casually went through them. I did exactly what Moglow recommends and kept everything high level. I didn't give her any answers I hadn't already given to him.
I'm not sure if she's trying to convince herself or if this was reconnaissance.
My question, tho poorly worded, was this: how do you deal with the betrayal?
I'm a mother. If my daughters come to me with a decision, I will talk it through with them and then throw all my support behind them.
Shouldn't my mother be my biggest champion in one of the hardest decisions I've ever made? Instead, I heard "What if he promises to go to therapy, then would you go back?"

[notrightinthehead]

Lauren,  did you ask her if she wants you to go back? Why she is asking you all these questions? Does she have anything to tell you or does she disapprove of your decision?
I would have been so irritated by that and I feel upset on your behalf - I would ask her directly if she intends to play the role of a mediator or how I should understand that behaviour. And then I would tell her - Mum, I need you to have my back. I need you to be fully supportive of me. If you cant do that, then I would rather that we do not discuss my stbx for now.

[Lauren17]

Thank you, NRITH.
I know she wants me to go back as she has told me on several occasions that she is "praying for reconciliation."
She told me she was asking all the questions to better understand why I left. 
She slipped at one point and said. "Mr. Lauren told me xyz." It was his story to support one of the main sticking point on the divorce. I asked when he told her that. She said "years ago"
I don't think so.
I like the idea of asking her directly if she intends to mediate. I will try that if it comes up again.
Meanwhile, my strategies will be MC and radical acceptance that Mom isn't on Team Lauren.

[moglow]

I would have been so irritated by that and I feel upset on your behalf - I would ask her directly if she intends to play the role of a mediator or how I should understand that behaviour. And then I would tell her - Mum, I need you to have my back. I need you to be fully supportive of me. If you cant do that, then I would rather that we do not discuss my stbx for now.

That right there. A. Whyd she have that discussion with *him* at all; and B. Why then come to you with what he had to say? She may well want the best for you, but really. Why carrying tales and become involved in he said/she said? This would send chills up my spine and wonder if I'm being picked for information I may not be ready to share [please take with large grain of salt, as I'm basing that comment on MY mother, not yours].