Protecting my Kids

[gcj07a]

I have been NC with uBPm for 2.5 years. She lately sent me a birthday "card" with a two page letter begging me to let her see her grandkids (the details of this story are in another post titled "Annual Guilt Trip"). When I didn't respond, enSis went on the offensive. I detail that conversation in the other post as well. EnSis has explicitly stated her desire to inform my kids when they grow up (currently 7, 6, and 4) how awful a human being I am. And my M is not above just showing up at their school and snatching them (she threatened this; the school has been advised). My F (who divorced M about the time I went NC and has dealt with his own fallout from enSis and M) is worried that M and enSis will try to get their claws in my kids once they are legal adults. How do I protect my kids? I don't want to brainwash them or prevent them from reaching out to their extended family if they want, but I am worried.

Thanks!

[moglow]

My reality blast for you -  By the time your family are all adults, they'll have most likely long since seen mommie dearest and auntie for who they are, and it's doubtful there will be many surprises left.

My nieces and nephews are all now late 20s and above, they've not seen mommie dearest more than a handful of times and she hasn't tried. The "kids" have witnessed meltdowns, overheard telephone conversations etc all their lives and they have no curiosity left about their grandmother, other than why she is the way she is. They've seen what the interactions have done to us and only really wonder how we have anything to do with her at all. The few times she lamented to me how her sons "have nothing to do with me [her], what can I dooooooo?" I was honest - build relationships with their children. Show interest. Be at ball games and competitions and pageants and school plays. Participate. Did she? Nope. And she whines that we turned the kids against her. Totally oblivious that she never put forth any effort, not with us or her grands.

Try and not borrow trouble, is what I'm saying. You protect them by building those relationships with trust and honesty and love, as they should be. Enjoy this time with your children and family, and don't let outsiders mess that up. When they inevitably ask, tell them whatever you feel is age appropriate. Let them read emails/letters. Answer any questions they may have - and try to keep judgments and sarcasm out of it where you can. One thing I always respected [and still do] about my Daddy, no matter how vile md was, he carried on. Took the high road. Listened without judgment and didn't punish us for whatever our feelings were.

[Starboard Song]

How do I protect my kids? I don't want to brainwash them or prevent them from reaching out to their extended family if they want, but I am worried.

I completely get it.

We went NC with my in-laws when my son was only 12. They began sending him mail all the time, and showing up at soccer games and karate demonstrations. We intercepted and blocked all mail, and were very honest with our son. He understood that they loved him and wanted contact. We explained in age-appropriate terms why we felt that was no longer appropriate. At the age of 17, we told him that if he'd like to receive the mail that continued to arrive, that was his choice. And he did want to see it. But we'd been very straight up and kind about what we'd experienced. When he read their mail he saw the problems. He quickly decided he was done too and hasn't looked back.

Your kids are quite young and this should be a little more clear cut. You know what is right for your family and you are acting on it. You should maintain a loving demeanor, never "trash-talking" the folks with whom you are NC, and your kids will grow up KNOWING who you are. If they are ever confronted by a plainly rude person speaking plain half-truths, they'll know what's what.

I encourage you to not be hyper-vigilant. Protect those kiddos, but don't worry about them at 20 being confused. They'll be far more confused about calculus class. And remember, every day people lose their own parents to car accidents and divorce: and I mean kind, loving parents. Losing a hateful, broken grandparent is just nothing by comparison.

You are doing good, hard work. I commend you for it.

[Cat of the Canals]

I was once in the position of your children. My dad moved out of his parents' house when he was 16 and was NC for a time after that. At some point NC became VLC. His parents were at his wedding and they met me when I was born. We visited once that I remember, very briefly (despite visiting their state on a yearly basis to see my mom's side of the family).

I knew very little about them, but that seemed "normal." I didn't spend much time wondering why we didn't see that set of grandparents as much as my other grandparents. My dad's dad died when I was in elementary school. At some point, his mom remarried and we saw her for a few short visits with her new husband after that. Looking back, I wonder if step-grandpa was the one pushing for this since we hadn't seen grandma in years before that.

I was a teenager when I found out why my dad had moved out: horrendous abuse perpetrated by both parents. My parents didn't even actually tell me... I overheard my mom telling one of her friends the whole story. Either way, it put a whole new spin on things. Answered questions I hadn't even known were there. I actually do wish they'd talked to me about it at some point before then, because it would have explained some facets of my dad's personality.

Once I was an adult, I was technically free to pursue a relationship with my dad's mom. I did not. Partially because there was no relationship to begin with, so I didn't crave what I'd never had. Partially because learning about her abusive past made me wary (and honestly, more than a little angry). To put it simply: grandma was someone I didn't know and someone who had hurt my dad.

Had she approached me at that point, I might have reciprocated a letter or an email here or there (i.e. a very surface level relationship, consistent with what it had always been). And it would have been mostly out of "duty." But I can tell you with absolute certainty that had she badmouthed anyone in my family, I wouldn't have believed a word of it and more than likely would have ended the relationship. This was without any so-called "brainwashing." Until I heard my mom telling the story of my dad leaving home, I don't remember either my mom or dad saying anything remotely negative about either grandparent, other than a small amount of making fun of the odd/tacky gifts my grandmother sent.

Like everyone has said above, with open, honest, and age-appropriate explanations for the state of your relationship with your FOO, your children will probably figure out for themselves what kind of people these are and whether they want any kind of relationship with them.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

I have children the about the same ages as yours. I'm banking on a lifetime of loving relationship being stronger than any PD stunts that they may try to turn them against me when they are adults. My younger kids have been told that unfortunately Grandma and Grandpa are not safe people for us to be around. They really only bring it up when their friends have good times with their grandparents and feel they are missing out. Then I take the tack that I'm glad for their friend and acknowledge the grief they might be feeling. For my kids, their relationship with their grandparents was superficial at best and they barely remember them as people. They were pretty checked out and the relationship was very one-sided. Grandma couldn't get off the phone fast enough, truth be told. If they were to hypothetically get in touch with my adult children in the future, there wouldn't be much to build on and I'm confident my parents don't have it in them to have anything like a genuine relationship. Once my children are adults, there's not much of a threat there in my opinion.

Now when they are kids and can do things like weaponize CPS that wouldn't be a huge stress, but I don't think they can really "win." I too have made that call to the school, that if their grandparents should show up on school property they are to call the police. If they are the sort of people that think kidnapping is a reasonable response in any situation, they're probably not going to be able to snow your kids.  You don't have to brainwash them. Just be normal. They may try to get their claws in. They have very little power, though, really. And if they have to wait until your children are adults to even have an opportunity, their chance of success, however they define that, is very slim indeed.

[hhaw]

We had a good crisis intervention T for my children who gave me the words to help my children understand sad and happy choices, a parent and grandparents being "sick".... to sick to make happy choices, but we always hoped together the grandparents WOULD begin making better choices and we talked about it.

What is a happy choice?  What's an unhappy choice?  Ask the children what they think.... ask them what choices are better and what they'd choose if they had that choice to make...... include them and ask them to trust themselves.  Ask them what they really think and listen..... then validate.

In some ways it robs our children of the innocence they'll lose, but I have to tell you..... my daughters are super bright and absolutely understand disordered behaviors and red flags....... they know things I didn't understand till my 40's and they're 19yo and 21yo.

There are pros and cons to these things.  Not allowing the PDs access to your children helps wittle things down and simplify the messages, IME.

At some point one stops saying they'll give access to the grandparents IF they can be appropriate and they accept the grandparent just can't or won't and get on with NC...... release any hope or need to change what it is and get on with seeking out joy as your new default setting.

Teach your children how to cope, problem solve and seek out their own joy.

Maybe it's as simple as refusing discussions about your Mother..... then turning music on in the house and dancing with the kids just all the time....... build fortes on the house, sit under umbrellas on the porch in the rain and listen to the trees talk about the coming storms.

You don't have to think about your mother (all the time) or the flying monkeys.  You can accept your final decisions and stop worrying about it, bc worry is wasteful and unhelpful, IME.  It's not up to you whether or not your mother and sister accept your decision.  You can't control that, so limit the time worrying about it, IME.

Do what you can then put that mother/sister story on the shelf and seek out company of those who "get it."

Best of luck to you and your children, gc

[gcj07a]

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate it.