Being the person who "gives others a morale boost"

[Prototypian]

I don't quite know the proper words to describe this behavior. 

It's a perception in my uOCPDw's brain that groups of people she serves and works with or represents "depend on her to show up and make their day"

On one side of this idea is a genuine event where you hope someone shows up.   I've been to a VIP event where we were told that a rock star (literal) was coming for a few minutes to take selfies and sign autographs before his performance and if that person had bailed it would have been a bummer for the fans and the sponsors.   We wanted to see the rock star.

Then I have seen a class of person who enjoys the sacrifice of showing that they consider a boy scout troop court of honor to be critical and "they will be there for the scouts" Except the scouts and their parents couldn't care less if this old guy was there or not, they just want their merit badges and cupcakes.   

My spouse is of the second type.   At this time of year there are 15 or more schools and grades in the school district and there are things ranging from kindergarten stage walks to get a certificate that the kid "graduated" to first grade all the way to the full blown high school graduation.   Except I firmly believe that 99 percent of the parents, kids and teachers don't care if the elected official is there or not.  I mean it's a courtesy that a regent or school board official sits up on the stage in the cap and gown but i also don't feel that today's graduating senior will "carry the slight of someone missing their program" with them for their future college or career.   

But my spouse considers this (and this is a person who has missed a dozen flights with me because she is never in time) to be like she is a cardiac surgeon performing a heart transplant.   Nothing will come in the way of this critical set of events.   

In an even bigger slight to our family, it is a tradition that is well known that IF YOU ARE A SCHOOL BOARD MEMBER AND YOUR CHILD IS GRADUATING you get to skip the second graduation.   We have two big high schools and our son is graduating from one of them.   The same thing happened when our daughter graduated.   My spouse "couldn't stand the thought of those kids and parents not having a school board member present to help hand out diplomas".   Except there are 7 of these elected officials and we have a kid graduating and family in town.  And no one actually cares about these people except a very few who think that local politics is exciting.   These are the same people who think planning and zoning meetings are exciting.   The kids and parents wouldn't notice if we put mannequins on the stage, they all want to go to project graduation and get away from their parents. 

The behavior seems to stem from this weird belief that "they are depending on me..."   I see it a lot in parents and people who don't want to let go of something they have grown out of.   But it's a special class of people.   There are those types of people who continue to volunteer to give back like a Sunday school teacher whose kids are long gone but they continue to show up for their church community.   This type doesn't expect any accolades and the volunteer service is to simply fill the niche and their reward is ensuring the program is still a success with their contribution.   The type I see in the weird PD type is this sort of sacrifice with accolade as though "If I weren't here then the program would have lost some of it's meaning or might not succeed".   

Again, there is a set of lines in what I'm talking about.   A friend of mine is a stage manager for a singer of some notoriety and he talked about a time when the singer finished her song during a morning talk show and there were hundreds of fans waiting for autographs, the handlers wanted to cut off the autography signings but the singer insisted on taking time to sign ever fan and pose for every photo.   The stage manager friend of mine said, "that's her fan base and she knows that time is critical to her fans in the social media world"

On the other side is the person like my spouse who somehow believes that the 500 or so 18 year old graduating high school kids will all have a cheapened ceremony if she doesn't take the time to personally be there.

It's a twist of self-importance tied to the view that she is sacrificing to be there for others

[SonofThunder]

Hi Jsinjin,

I have plenty of past experience in this department. 

You wrote two sentences that sum it all up nicely.   I have my own term for it, calling it 'Trophyism'. 

"... and this is a person who has missed a dozen flights with me because she is never on time."

Only the PD person's interests matter.

"It's a twist of self-importance tied to the view that she is sacrificing to be there for others."

PD's love the real or imagined praise and responsibility.  They build a beautiful facade structure in which the lovely side faces those in relationship circles 3-5 who see the trophyism show.  While relationship circles 1 & 2 live on the ugly side of the facade, see the raw boards and nails sticking out and know the dark truth.

SoT

[Cat of the Canals]

PD's love the real or imagined praise and responsibility.  They build a beautiful facade structure in which the lovely side faces those in relationship circles 3-5 who see the trophyism show.  While relationship circles 1 & 2 live on the ugly side of the facade, see the raw boards and nails sticking out and know the dark truth.

This so perfectly describes my NPD/BPD mom. She missed my senior recital -- the last time I'd ever be performing in high school -- for one of her weekly meetings. There was nothing especially important going on, but it was Her Important Meeting, so she refused to miss it.

One of the things that stands out to me about this is that she usually made a big fuss about my performances/achievements. Now I know that this is because she can use it as a proxy to feel important herself. (She has always been extremely obnoxious when it comes to bragging about her kids to anyone who will listen.) But looking back on this particular scenario was the first time I realized that important events in my life are a suitable proxy for her UNLESS she has her own "important" thing, and then that supersedes all else.

And she still does it. She belongs to several organizations, and one of the things she does is make up (unnecessary) jobs for herself that no one asked her to do. For example: one of the orgs hired a video editor for a project they're doing. Mom took it upon herself to buy the fancy editing software and "pre-edit" all the videos so the professional editor they hired will "know how to do it." (I literally cringe when I think of the pro editor getting notes from her... ugh.)

So that's already a bizarre form of this Trophyism, as SoT calls it, but then she uses this (and other such made-up "responsibilities") to drop out of babysitting for my nephews, all the while continuing to paint herself as an extremely devoted/involved grandmother. I so bought into her Devoted Grandmother bit that when my brother told me she hadn't babysat in over a year, my jaw dropped. The fact that she uses a "job" no one asked, expected, or wanted her to do as an excuse to not spend time with her grandkids is just...   

[SonofThunder]

PD's love the real or imagined praise and responsibility.  They build a beautiful facade structure in which the lovely side faces those in relationship circles 3-5 who see the trophyism show.  While relationship circles 1 & 2 live on the ugly side of the facade, see the raw boards and nails sticking out and know the dark truth.

This so perfectly describes my NPD/BPD mom. She missed my senior recital -- the last time I'd ever be performing in high school -- for one of her weekly meetings. There was nothing especially important going on, but it was Her Important Meeting, so she refused to miss it.

One of the things that stands out to me about this is that she usually made a big fuss about my performances/achievements. Now I know that this is because she can use it as a proxy to feel important herself. (She has always been extremely obnoxious when it comes to bragging about her kids to anyone who will listen.) But looking back on this particular scenario was the first time I realized that important events in my life are a suitable proxy for her UNLESS she has her own "important" thing, and then that supersedes all else.

And she still does it. She belongs to several organizations, and one of the things she does is make up (unnecessary) jobs for herself that no one asked her to do. For example: one of the orgs hired a video editor for a project they're doing. Mom took it upon herself to buy the fancy editing software and "pre-edit" all the videos so the professional editor they hired will "know how to do it." (I literally cringe when I think of the pro editor getting notes from her... ugh.)

So that's already a bizarre form of this Trophyism, as SoT calls it, but then she uses this (and other such made-up "responsibilities") to drop out of babysitting for my nephews, all the while continuing to paint herself as an extremely devoted/involved grandmother. I so bought into her Devoted Grandmother bit that when my brother told me she hadn't babysat in over a year, my jaw dropped. The fact that she uses a "job" no one asked, expected, or wanted her to do as an excuse to not spend time with her grandkids is just...   

Wow Cat, that is SO my uNPDfather in all areas you wrote about.  These stories we can tell in circles 1 and 2.  Like I've said elsewhere, his funeral is going to be interesting. 99% of the huge number of attendees will be from the front of the facade, passing along condolences and trophyism stories (some known, some not known by us)  to us 1% who lived on the rough and ugly back side; us not knowing whether to be sad, relieved or a bit of both.

SoT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Trophyism.....perfect phrase.

It's such a challenge when others can't see it for what it is, as a family we paid a huge price for this desire of my stbxh.

He sacrificed money, time, etc....to feed his narcissistic ego.  There was a time long ago I thought it was admirable now I see it a childish, manipulative, pathetic.....

I think our 17 yr son is fairly observant and is partly Out of the FOG already....and on his on terms. I've just try to gently question some behaviours and let it go....