Being NC - have you changed positively as a result ?

[Hazy111]

Just a quick one , im interested in those people who have been NC for a while.

Not having these people in your life,  has it reflected in you as a person getting stronger , happier , less anxious , depressed etc  ?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Yes, for sure. I actually did not even realize the huge positive impacts that would result. 
   
I went NC because I just could not take it anymore. My life felt like a pressure cooker and that was the only way I knew to get relief. Then however, I began to experience positive aspects evolve everywhere. It  physically felt different, like someone flipped a switch somewhere. Hard to describe. I believe it can be different for everyone, but for me, the positive aspects are everywhere.

[Starboard Song]

We are 7 years NC from my in-laws.

For my wife, she describes it as opening the walls of a cage. She is happier, more relaxed, more confident, more fulfilled. Zero doubts. Zero regrets. NC was a necessary step to her healing and she is glad we did it.

For me, I still struggle with the desire for vindication. And I suppose that reflects moral doubts, or a desire to fix. We were forced to a rather sudden NC. I suspect there is a natural process of MC to LC, LC to VLC, sporadic Silent Treats to Ultimatum, Ultimatum to Crisis -- to eventual NC. We went from MC to Crisis to NC in 6 months, and it skipped important steps for me.

[gcj07a]

We have been NC with my mom for nearly 3 years and it has been life changing. I have healed a ton and grown to be a much more confident and relaxed human being. It can be hard because siblings and other family members don't get it, but they (aside from my sister) have agreed to just not talk about mom. The further I get into the NC the more I realize just how out of touch with basic reality my mom is. And just how idiosyncratic and weird my FOO was growing up. It is like getting out the matrix, honestly.

[Starboard Song]

It is like getting out the matrix, honestly.

We have come across emails and letters from 30 years ago that we now realize were early indicators: shocking rudeness. But at the time, we couldn't see it. Now we can.

[Hazy111]

I went NC because I just could not take it anymore. My life felt like a pressure cooker and that was the only way I knew to get relief.

For me, I still struggle with the desire for vindication. And I suppose that reflects moral doubts, or a desire to fix. We were forced to a rather sudden NC.

And just how idiosyncratic and weird my FOO was growing up. It is like getting out the matrix, honestly.

Thanks a lot. I dont think there is an easy way to do it, as they resist and resent the boundaries that you try and install. But each person has their own particular circumstances. I have chronic health issues that forced my hand me as well. I was getting chronic health flare ups when i met my sis or hear her voice on the phone etc

I initially did it with my only (nBPD) sis , but this was difficult as she had moved my Dad (nNPD/Schiz  imo) close to her and he was constantly getting ill and lonely . So i would visit him and our paths would cross at hospitals etc.

It eventually blew up with him to. I had gone partial NC with him that he seemed to reluctantly accept . No every day phone calls (12 years since my mom died) Various guilt trips to get me to visit etc. Long story.    But i went with him to hospital and stayed 2 days in his apartment when he had to have a pacemaker fitted. But we had  a row before his op. He insulted me . Doubled down on it when i mentioned what he said to me later that day.  No apology. Then went back to phoning me everyday as if nothing had happened. Then i realised i had to go full NC with him as well. The boundary i had installed was shattered.


I was really grateful to this forum for some real "insights" especially the "playbook tactics" the flying monkeys deployed etc. Plus my own therapy and the constant hoovering up (haha )of all things PD,  narcissism . Borderline etc

Thanks again.

[Hazy111]

What i forgot to say psychologically i am so much more assertive now and more confident . I also have really sharp PD antennae , i can pick up tell tales very quickly !! There were definite plus signs. I realise how fawn/submissive  like i was around them . I hated confrontations. 

[Starboard Song]

I also have really sharp PD antennae , i can pick up tell tales very quickly !!

A warning comes naturally here: we get our antennae broken, and our injustice meters get stuck.

Most people are at some point exploitative of our weakness, or are selfish. And a lot of people are sometimes toxic and unfair. But very few people are rightly diagnosed as PD. I think one downside of the upside is this: while we are very good at spotting toxic behaviors and defending ourselves, we must work very hard not to over diagnose. If we do, we see the world like Night of the Living Dead with PDs instead of zombies. Most people respond very well to boundaries and de-escalation tactics, and we have to keep our focus on those tactics and that optimism, rather than on the all-too-common human foibles around us.

[Leonor]

Hello!

I was NC'd by my mom, but I accepted it and never looked back. I was surprised my mom went through with it bc I was the GC, with a preschooler and pregnant, but the narcissism is strong in that one. I honestly think at times she forgets I exist, or she remembers and then feels sorry for herself a bit before going on a trip or something.

But the hard part about going NC for me was that once I didn't have to deal with the nutjobs anymore, I had to deal with me.

First, who was I? I had built my life around my mom. I only knew how to be for her. It was like I lived in a very lovely garden that had fences around it. I was only allowed to roam this far. I was only allowed to dig that deep. I had seen my step siblings get locked out of that garden and left to wander in the wilderness like lost children in a fairy tale. I had seen the big bad wolves left to snarl at the gates and some even be invited right in. And there was Queen Mother in the center (we actually called her that), admiring herself in the mirror I held up to her.

Once she locked that gate behind me, I felt shocked. Sad. Indignant. Rage. But now I feel curious. How is it possible to be so charming and intelligent and funny and successful and fragile at the same time? What happened to my beautiful mom, when she was little, to be vacuumed out of all warmth and imperfections and realness?

And then what had happened to me? Meaning, where was that me that had been clipped and pruned and bound up in her ideas of what was allowed and what was not and what was good for me and what was not or what I liked and what I did not? Who was I, and what had I done with myself? How did I think about people and life and the world? How had I learned to graft myself onto people and snip others out of my life? Where was I doing unto others what had been done unto me? How am I still reflecting my mother out into the world?

But after a while, I have had to put the mirror down, because I have three little kittens who are watching me to see if I am watching over them. I have to look at who I am and how I be and if there's something I don't like it's up to me to do something about it, and wherever I feel resistance I treat it like a lesson I have yet to learn.

The one thing I know for sure is that I always wanted to live abroad and paint. Not to be an Artist or go to Fine Arts school or create installations or have expositions or anything. I don't even want to deal with oil. I mean paint flowers imperfectly in watercolor or draw my neighborhood with colored pencils. Maybe acrylic when I'm feeling especially adventurous! Well, I'm living abroad and when I retire I am going to go about in a floppy hat and granny shoes and paint mediocre watercolors all day long. If I can get there, it will all be worth it

[moglow]

Hazy I stepped off into NC last summer, and had a couple of brief attempts at contact since that [my attempts, not hers] were dismal but reaffirming failures. So not long term at all but still, overall I'm finding that the underlying anxiety and the persistent digestive upsets are much improved. I don't tiptoe around or grind my teeth like I was, am much more likely to give people the benefit of the doubt and cut it off or at least back way off when they prove me wrong. I don't fear others' reactions like I did and No isn't a scary word for me.

Like Starboard's wife, I don't have regrets other than it taking me much longer than it should have to find this place. With his [and others'] encouragement, I've also purged my home of reminders of md, which helped more than I expected.

I've found I DO:  laugh more, listen better, hug harder, dig down into my quiet time without hardcore depression setting in. There's an indescribable peace I didn't expect, and that seems to be growing. I'm told my frown lines have even relaxed from where they were so long!

[Hazy111]

Moglow - yep i know all about the frown. I remember as i child being told i always had a frown by some insensitive neighbour. I never forgot it , cant think why i frowned so much 

Still got it unfortunately with age its more pronounced plus all the rapid aging due to the auto immune. Hey ho!

[Sidney37]

Yep.  I have been fully NC for 2 years and mostly NC for a year or so prior to that.  Between the NC and the nearly 2 years of therapy, I am a much calmer and less reactive person.  I certainly don't hear her voice in my head after every decision that I make.  It's so much easier not to be frustrated when you don't hear the voice of the PD in the back of your head criticizing everything that you do.  I'm also more confident in my parenting and decision making.  It's easier to set boundaries with others now that I don't have my PD crashing through every boundary that I attempt to set. 

I, too, have an overactive PD meter now.  I am especially aware of people in my community who have PD traits and I honestly don't want to be anywhere near them.  It certainly limits my ability to make new friends. I live in area where social climbing is important to many people and it sets of my PD meter immediately. 

The biggest difference is that at nearly 50, I finally feel like an adult.  I don't have anyone condemning every move and decision, so I can make them without feeling like I'm still 12.  It's a weird transition that I should have been allowed to make 30+ years ago.

[blacksheep7]

Five years nc this month.   

For sure it has changed me into a better person, less anxious, worry free with no expections of her raining on my parade.  Guilt free, being treated like a young child.

No reason for me to not be ME with my opinions that always differed from covert M.

[Hazy111]

I, too, have an overactive PD meter now.  I am especially aware of people in my community who have PD traits and I honestly don't want to be anywhere near them.  It certainly limits my ability to make new friends. I live in area where social climbing is important to many people and it sets of my PD meter immediately. 

But without social climbing Sydney, society would collapse    How on earth can a narcissist judge him/herself a "success" unless befriending and be accepted by other "successful" people and by looking down at those poor types who have clearly  "failed" in life.

[BefuddledClarity]

Being NC has been extremely liberating for me and I felt the weight off my shoulders. However, being NC for the first time with certain PDs, I felt a little bit anxious about certain things... I was used to "asking for permission" for the LITTLEST of things, and ALWAYS compromising to what THEY want to do, never could do what Befuddled Clarity wanted to do... Also, I'm FINALLY allowed to have feelings or talk about them. I was always shut down about any feelings I had, that I became practically mute after awhile...

In regards to how long I've been NC:
Been NC with my dad for 2-3yrs, NC with alcoholic/violent ex[who's my son's father] for 5months and plan on putting a restraining order on him, and with my mom...it's on and off when it comes no contact.

The only reason there's communication with my mother at all is due to my oldest brother, **Yaw, living with her, in the state called **Helianthus. Also, every once in a blue moon, she comes to visit the state **Serenum, where my brothers **Kwasi, **Kofi, and myself live in.  She lives over 1,000 kilometers away from us.

I currently [and temporarily] live with my 2nd oldest brother Kwasi and my younger brother Kofi too, but Kofi is moving out soon. I want to move out soon too, I miss living alone AND in case PDmother gets the bright idea to come visit again to stress me out. She always stays at Kwasi's place, even though her uncle's wife always invites her over...

I don't even want to think about her at all...
She made it hard for me during my pregnancy, and she didn't even know I was pregnant at the time.

If anything, if she does come to the house, I'll stay over at my gentleman friend's place, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I doubt she'll come visit this state, because she complains about everything here [which is good for me].

I want to be NC with PDmother... However, that most likely means (unintentionally) cutting off my brothers, which sucks, but I need sanity with peace right now... and PDmother definitely won't help with that.

Whenever I talk to Yaw on the phone, PDmother butts into our convo, love-bombs me, talks sh*t about Kofi[and she does the reverse when talking to Kofi, she tells him, "Your sister BefuddledClarity is a bad influence on you Kofi!!" when he was drinking all day, going to strip clubs, and doing hard drugs...which is none of the things I do at all lmao. I don't see how I'm a bad influence?? He's grown, and makes his own decisions. He even told her it had nothing to do with me. He (luckily) slowed down on that stuff too], and she LOVES info gathering as well as gossiping about other family members. It's tiring.

Wow...I don't know why I'm not already officially NC with PDmother...I should be after all the physical and verbal abuse I endured from her...
I'm going to be stern with Yaw, and maybe just limit to texting/emailing for now on, if even that... Who knows if she reads his texts.   

[**All names and places are pseudonyms to protect privacy]

Sorry, I tend to ramble a lot.

[donutmoonpanda]

I stopped having depressive episodes after I went NC with NPD dad.

Something was still wrong though, for many years, because I failed to recognize what a toxic person enmom was. I took for granted that I had one bad parent and always considered her the "safe" one. I never understood why spending time with her made me so miserable. I thought it was normal for your mom to make you feel insane.

I've been NC with my mom for only a few months, but every day I see things a little more clearly. I can view the past from new perspective. I can view myself more realistically. I can see that I didn't stand a chance, and that's pretty profound.

I always wanted to be the person that my parents were always afraid of being. I wanted to take risks and really LIVE my life and be present. But it was hard to put that into motion until I went NC with both of them. Now it's much easier to pursue that dream.

NC has helped me to see that the depressive part of me, the low self-esteem, the absolutely rotten self-talk -- it's all them. It's my parents in my head. My self-talk is more positive now. I can actually increase my self-worth, I'm not just Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill, my parents aren't there to dash all my gains.

Overall NC has helped me remove much of their influence over me, silence their voices in my head. It's just me now.

[Pepin]

Just a quick one , im interested in those people who have been NC for a while.

Not having these people in your life,  has it reflected in you as a person getting stronger , happier , less anxious , depressed etc  ?

I've been NC with NF for many years...14.  It was necessary, of course and I wish I had never broken his initial discard years before I went NC.  I think there were about 6 years of communication between his discard and my NC.  I was a different person after the discard.  Untouchable.  I had done therapy one on one and some group therapy.  I worked hard during those four years on me.  Truthfully it was annoying having him back in my life because I realized that he hadn't changed.  When I went NC I was extremely angry and my emotions were all over the place (and sometimes still are) because it overlapped with CN MIL starting to ramp up being a trigger in my life.  Her behavior reminded me of all the reasons why I went NC with NF except that I couldn't do it with her because DH was in the middle.  Having her in my life was gut wrenchingly painful and every day was a lesson in self care for me.  Yes, I set boundaries and had deal breakers with her.....however, it just wasn't enough.  She'd constantly find ways to irritate me with her presence and demands of my husband.  I truly feel that her remaining time here on this earth was to poke me as much as she could through DH.  She passed earlier this year.  What a relief.  But so much inner work to do to clean up the emotional mess she left behind.  She literally left this earth waving her middle finger, exactly the way she wanted to.

[Liketheducks]

OMG......so.much.yes.    I love the reference to the matrix.   Once I got through the initial grief AND had some REALLY great counseling......my life became so much more peaceful.   It was if I had never progressed , emotionally, beyond where my parents wanted me.   I was 10 ish in a 50+ year old body.   In some ways I was hyper functional.   I was the family fixer.   I felt horrible anxiety and depression if I couldn't fulfill everyone else's needs, but had no idea what my needs were.      I'm still working on parenting that little girl....but she gets to eat cake and ride ponies whenever she needs now.   I also have a much greater sense of empathy than I did before.   Things aren't black and white.     When I'm around my FOO, I feel like they're still in the matrix.   I'm living a different life.   

[Ziggy52]

Overall, life is better. But if I’d felt I could work things out with those I went NC with, I would have. My mental and physical well-being, as well as those of DH and kids, had to come first. Even now, if there were any indication of change in attitude, or truly taking responsibility for their actions, I would try. But, none of that has happened, and life goes on.

I’m fortunate that both my husband and my children are very supportive. I’ve been in therapy off and on for about 8 of the last 10 years.

It’s been 10 years since I cut off contact with both of my parents, as well as my stepdaughter. For the most part, yes; my life is calmer, I feel more confident and good about myself and my choices. I was led to believe by all of these people that I was actually “evil” and “mean.” I know now it isn’t true. I felt I had to be perfect to keep them all happy. Now I realize it isn’t possible, and that’s okay. They’re responsible for their own actions and reactions. There are still moments of sadness (only very occasionally now) that I’m no longer part of my FOO, but they don’t last, and they are rare.

It was a shock to realize how tentative and fragile the “bond” really was with my parents. That the “love” I was given was so conditional. It felt like a rug had been pulled out from under me. Frankly, I’m still occasionally trying to process that…for me, it’s led to a lot of distrust of people and relationships. One of my biggest fears is falling for it all over again, and being manipulated. I just want to live my own life.

Most of the time, I feel happy and complete with where I am and who I’m with. In the beginning, even though I was married, going NC left me with a feeling of drifting, without anything solid to hold onto. I felt completely alone. That feeling is gone now.

After years of learning about BPD, and realizing it likely played a significant part in the dynamics of my FOO, I know it’s not my mom’s fault that she (most likely) has BPD, but I’m not going to sacrifice myself over it, either.

I have empathy for my stepdaughter as well. I believe her mother may also suffer BPD, and at the least, is quite narcissistic. However, punishing me for the breakup of her parents went on far too long (they were divorced before I met her dad). She is dangerous in her own way, and now that she’s an adult, I don’t need to be involved.

It’s been a long road to this. It’s not easy. There were many times the frustration, fear and sadness were overwhelming. But, when I hear something “nostalgic” about the time before NC, I feel dread in the pit of my stomach. I’m thankful those times are behind me and I hope they stay there!

[Jolie40]

positively changed as there is "less stress"

before NC, there was a chaotic year which had me so stressed that I was only sleeping 3 hrs/night
I HAD to go NC for my health

NC with with PD parent/some siblings
I broke NC with a sibling & had been phone talking

above sibling blew up at me last month & was accusing me of all kinds of things
the hatred towards me was shocking to me
I finally realized that this sibling was very much like PD parent & I HAD to return to NC

it's been over 2 weeks now & I have NO desire to break NC again!

I am sad cause this sibling was always my favorite sibling
however, I had no idea she harbored such hatred towards me
she was always extremely close to PD parent so "I imagine" she took on PD's view of me as the SG