A step back

[iamcari]

Hi everyone! I have been following the forum for a few months now and I was a little reluctant to making a post. I have been reading a couple of books on narcissism, the topic caught my attention after I read an article (I think it was a sign). After my relationship ended I kept replaying everything over and over again and coming across this topic has helped me to understand what actually happened. It's been helpful but it's also hard to accept the fact that my partner was not the person I thought they were. I decided to make a post because just when I thought I was finally moving on, it feels that I took a big step back. I'm not sure if this was my own fault for looking or if this can be considered a hoover attempt. After the relationship ended (big mess) my ex blocked me on all social media and also got his friends to block me/remove me. Everything was turned against me, which honestly I didn't mind because I was never close with the social circle of my ex's and I was also lucky enough that they never showed interest in meeting with my friends and instead tried to isolate me from them and from my family. A few months ago I noticed that my ex unblocked me only to block me again a few weeks later (this happened almost exactly at the same time when I started to research on the topic). I did my best to ignore it and to give zero reaction to this, however, I ended up getting sick and had to take weeks from work. I had all this time on my hands, which made me bored/depressed and curious so I ended up looking to see if I was still blocked and surprised, I was unblocked again. I'm not sure how many times this has happened. I keep trying to convince myself that I'm overanalyzing things but part of me is telling me that they are starting to play mind games to get a reaction from me. I hate that I keep giving this person the power over my mind. I have not giving any reaction and I'll keep it that way but I am afraid that this person might reach out and pull me back.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

Firstly, you may like to change your user name to remain more anonymous here. It's easy to do. We all need to protect our confidentiality to keep ourselves safe.

I can identify with much of what you posted about.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. I have gone no contact with her for over two years. I don't want to see her ever again. I call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse.

There are phases of narcissistic abuse. First comes the devalue, then the discard, then the hoover back into the abuser's life. Then the love bombing by them, then the future faking where they promise that they will change. Then the cycle continues over and over.

We realise what is going on by educating ourselves about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome.

We learn to put in firm boundaries and to stick with them.

We value our own feelings more and become more assertive.

We learn not to feed the narcissistic supply.

We learn what the deal breakers are. Make a list of your own deal breakers. What are the things that you will no longer put up with?

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have learnt such a lot from her.

She has a reading list on her Facebook page.

There are several other mental health professionals that I follow on YouTube who talk about narcissistic abuse.

Why are you checking whether you are blocked or not? This is done to keep you hooked in your abuser's life. Why don't YOU block THEM?

We realise we are free from our abuser when we become indifferent to them. We don't care what they are up to. We don't care what they are saying about us. They become of no interest to us. We are worth more than them. We value ourselves more than we value them. We just don't care about them any more. We let them go and let them be.

Abusers are all about power and control.

You fear being hoovered back into your partner's life again.

This is because of the intermittent periods of positive rewards you got when your abuser was SO kind and loving towards you. All the love bombing feels SO good. The feel good hormones can become as addictive as the most addictive narcotic drug. We want more and more of them. We can minimise the abuse that has actually happened to get those feel good hormones that our body releases only to get hurt and harmed over and over again.

We need to work on building our self esteem.

I practice daily Mindfulness meditations. I follow the Mindfulness teacher Tara Brach online. She gives regular free talks. She has such a soothing, kind voice.

Her website is www.tarabrach.com

I really enjoy Loving Kindness Mindfulness meditations. I watch many on YouTube. They help me to build my self esteem. We begin by being more gentler and kinder towards ourselves. Then we can spread that loving kindness towards other people. It begins with ourselves and from within.

World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day is on June 1st. There is a free WNAAD Survivor Empowerment Telesummit online that you may like to watch with many expert speakers.

https://wnaad.com/

I hope this is of some help to you.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[iamcari]

Hi Guitarman. I appreciate your concern however, my username has no correlation with my actual name or nicknames. It was just a random username that came to mind.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and providing me with the many different resources that I can utilize to further help me with this topic.

The first time I noticed that I was unblocked was because I had the intention of reaching out since they have something that belongs to me and it's valuable. Around this time was when I first started to learn about narcissism and I was able to identify those characteristics in my partner's behavior. This made me stop because I didn't want to act on impulse. I had the intention of blocking this person but I also don't want to give them the importance of knowing that I noticed that they unblocked me. I might just take a break from social media and continue working on myself, as for the item that belongs to me I'll consider it lost. My mental health is more valuable.