I just had a huge week of discovery and recovery

[JustKeepTrying]

So much of my time on these boards was spent in coming Out of the FOG and then the divorce and now recovery.  Trying to understand how I got there, why I stayed and how to prevent and deal with the now.  For so long I blamed my NPD sis or my xOCPDh or my alcoholic mother (whom I loved dearly until she passed) or my father with narc tendencies.  And jus the lack of what a PD is and the language to understand.  That wasn't Ava for most of my life.  I blamed culture and my strict Catholic upbringing.  I blamed my family for not accepting and gaslighting and taking my ex's side and so on.  I blamed the rape that happened in college from a boy that I was beginning to love - and for years blamed myself like my mother did for it happening.  I blamed my cancer and all the surgeries and chemo and radiation and the way I a 50+ in a 80+ body.  I blamed my sons autism and the years and years of stress and therapy.  There was so much unbelivable crap in my life.  So much that blaming others was a easy.

But I had a part of it I realized.  And then I felt a deep and painful shame.  So hurt that a I let myself down and my children and again myself.  That I lost that bright strong spark that attracted my ex in the first place.  I lost myself and these past two plus years I have worked diligently to recover. 

This is harder than chemo.  Harder than open surgery - yeah that happened - harder than a second surgery on a broken that never healed due to radiation - the self work is hard.

But this week I made some real strong steps forward pun intended.  I am walking around my apartment with a cane and it's only in use when I don't have ready supports around!

But I am also making other strides.  I started chatting with nice attractive man and I was digging his vibe.  Like really digging him like I haven't since before my 30 year marriage.  And then he dropped a sexual suggestion that was like woh - a real whopper of a woh - and I paused.  There deep in my anxiety fueled persona I wanted to say yes so he would like me but a connection was made to the feeling I had when my daughters dropped their mean girl movie like comments and I thought to myself "Am I codependent?" 

So I dove deep.  really deep and several sessions with a therapist deep.  I joined an online coda group that works with my schedule but I am sceptipal.   There are aspects that I relate to but others that just don't jive.  But I am going to participate and see if there is anything there that I can learn and grow from.

Back to the guy, oh he*& no.  And that was and is a big personal victory for me!  I realize that I deserve better and healthier relationships.  Like Olivia Pope once said "I am not a a toy that you can play with when you are bored or lonely or horny. I am not the girl the guy gets at the end of the movie. I am not a fantasy. If you want me, earn me."

But that is not the biggest thing I learned and discovered this week - what is the biggest is what many of you told me over the past few years - that with time and patience and effort - I could build a better relationship with DDs.  My exOCPDh had messed with their heads and I was all over the place in survival mode - but this past few weeks I gave up offering advice; directing this or that while helping my DD out - I just came as I was sleeping in my campervan and helping out when needed and we talked.  We talked like we did before and it was joyous.  Yes there was a bump but I learned from that bump and I will grow from it and it became a thing a beauty instead of tears. 

So I am sitting here tonight feeling unapologitically me.  And I am grateful for it.

[notrightinthehead]

Well done! And congratulations on seeing the red flag and listening to your inner voice. You deserve to be treated with respect.

[Lauren17]

This was a beautiful post.
Thank you for sharing.
Strength and blessings to you as you continue growing and healing.

[Empie2204]

This is so positive! Not many things can compare to overcoming despair, blaming, and self-pity. I know these three. Reading this is so encouraging.