hello

[finally flourishing]

Hello all. I've been reading this forum for awhile and decided it's time to join.

I'm here because I've only recently been able to put a definition to the behaviors I've been dealing with from my husband for the duration of our long marriage. A couple years ago I realized the extent that his actions were harming me and decided our relationship was not able to be saved. In the process of one last-ditch effort at marriage counseling, he was referred to a psychiatrist and diagnosed with PPD and OCPD.

Having names/diagnoses for his actions confirms that these issues are real, validates my experience, and makes me feel less alone. But it doesn't undo the pain or fix anything.

Years of intermittent abuse (he also has anger issues), loss of trust, and seeing many marriage counselors with no change has led to me being in a liminal space of staying married to him for the sake of protecting my kids from the consequences of his behaviors, but not actively working on improving my marriage. We live separately in the same house and our conversations stay at the level of information and necessary combined decision making. It will be several years before my youngest is an adult. I don't want to wait several years to be whole and healed and happy in my life.

I want to work towards wholeness and happiness now despite continuing to deal with his behaviors. I want to be less angry. I want to stop replaying old arguments in my head and feeling such strong resentment. I want to be less reactive (not just acting medium chill, but truly being it) when his behaviors crop up. I've made progress but I'm not where I want to be yet.

I've found the information and responses in this forum helpful as an outside reader, so I'm looking forward to joining the community more deeply. Thanks for reading.

[Mary]

Welcome! Your story has similarities to mine. Best wishes as you learn, grow, and begin to thrive!
Sincerely,
Mary

[Mauiforsanity]

So sad that you are feeling obligated to put your life on hold due to the children -
Have you had discussions with professionals as to the pros and cons of that decision? If not, is that an option? Kids are resilient and not dumb - they realize what's going on -
Hopefully, however it needs to be managed, it's a safe environment for everyone concerned - that's important!
I'm new here too and hope the best for all -
Aloha!

[Mary]

 

Welcome! You are not alone. So many here are facing similar things. It's good you have the diagnosis for your H, many of us don't get that far as PD spouse refuses to see anyone. But that doesn't make your situation easier. Still incredibly difficult.

I'm glad you joined! This is an amazing group of people, I've grown so much through my participation here.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I can relate to your situation, although I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I now call her my abuser and I am her target of abuse. Redefining our relationship in that way has helped me to set firm boundaries. I haven't had any contact with her for over two years. I never want to see her ever again.

There comes a point when we can't take any more abuse. Maybe you have reached that place now?

You need to put your own wants and needs first and to live the life you desire. It's OK to do that.

My sister's children went through such a traumatic childhood with their unstable mother. Her husband stayed with her for years for their children's sake hoping she would change but she never did. I realise now that she never will. It's so sad but true.

Hopefully you can get some more professional support on your own in real life other than only from the excellent members of this forum. It can be confusing to know what you really feel and what your options are when coping all by yourself.

It all begins by building your self esteem.

You may like to watch the videos on YouTube by the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

I presume PPD stands for Paranoid Personality Disorder and OCPD for Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder? I sometimes forget what all these acronyms mean.

I've been attending mental health carers groups for many years getting support for myself. I realise that I continue to need support. I've had a lot to cope with.

Observe, don't absorb.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.