The last to leave

[Prototypian]

My uOCPDw is always and without question the last to leave anything.  I used to think it was grandstanding to show she was part of things but I've begun to learn it's fear.   I think she sees departing an event, the car, a store, the house as a finality.   When you leave something there is potential that something is undone or left behind.   Going into a store can be a 5 minute event in the car and next to the car as she goes through a bizarre mental checklist.   It's not actually the same type of checklist the way a pilot might get ready; it's a mental gymnastics of what could go wrong after we leave the safety of the car.   "Do you think I'll need my jacket?" On a 100 degree day or "should I change my shoes?".  But it's often not germane to the activity.  I think it's a legitimate fear of not being in control.   As everyone piles out and begins to head into the place I think she feels out of control.  In her feedback loop the only way to regain that control is to delay the group going in.   

We have missed a number of plane flights in history both leaving from home or leaving from a hotel because she simply can't depart.   The weird behavior extends to other people.   She worries about kids airpods or my wallet and she can't depart unless she has physically seen these things even as we are all adults.   I think it's just hard core fear of not being in control.  I see it anytime someone else takes over like a tour guide or security person.   She can't simply follow their directions because it's a loss of control.   She will stop, step out of line and ask the person questions even to the point that they become upset with her just stating "maam, please just go this way through the door" she will wait until the very last minute

I used to think it was about her needing attention but I've truly come to see it as fear.   She is literally petrified of not doing the "right" thing and it makes her reach for anything she can.   I think one way is to stall which lets her try to gather more information before leaving the safety of the car or hotel or known place.

I used to get frustrated when something like this would happen: on a road trip you stop somewhere and are getting ready to go in.   While getting out, three tour buses of children or tourists show up and instead of running to get inside and avoid an hour long line she opts to make everyone wait saying "just let them go".   That's my own frustration and not specific and Im not angry about it, I just see that 'hey, we want to get in there before 300 people walk in because it's just the five of us".  I feel like she is looking to be the last person in.

It's like this with every event we attend.   Often the kids have either left with friends or even in some cases walked home and the leaders of the scout meeting or church event are nearly done packing up.   She is not necessarily helping with the clean up, she just doesn't want to leave.   I think her fear is that she could potentially miss something and she just doesn't want that to happen.   What's weird is that this "bubble" of critical stuff follows her everywhere.   In her case the here and now of the thing she is at overshadows anywhere else but that bubble moves with her to the car or the house or the next event.   In any place she seems to get comfortable at that location and afraid of leaving it without any control.

I posted this because we are on a trip right now and for the kids and I it's been one lengthy wait after another at every place we go to or come from.

[Poison Ivy]

This must be very frustrating for you and your children. I think I've made this comment before; your wife's behavior sounds like obsessive-compulsive disorder. I don't know the causes or the reasons for the behavior but it can be treated, if the person with OCD is willing to engage in treatment.

[Prototypian]

Thanks Poison ivy.  It sounds a bit like it but it's it ocd.  She doesn't know or believe it is a problem at all.   The ocd type of disorder does have nervous habits and fears and behavior drivers.   Often the person with the disorder is frustrated by their need to perform the behavior.   What I've learned about OCPD is that the person fully and truly believes they are completely right and not only that, they have a moral obligation to fulfill.  The ocd person might not be able to ride in a car because they are worried about tire pressure or bad brakes and would want to check that in order to drive.   The OCPD is angry that everyone doesn't check their tire pressure and will angrily and violently disrupt activities, conversation and normal behavior of anyone in order to try and force the tire pressure check.  This last to leave in my opinion is purely a need to ensure that all rules are understood and followed.  One of the most upset I've seen my spouse is in situations where there are two entrances or two exits to a parking lot and no direction to say that one is wrong.   It can take 10 min or so to resolve that and the weird thing is that she sees it as "ensuring that we don't go in or out the wrong way"

[BeautifulCrazy]

I don't think it's OCD either.
I'm only expert on my own particular version of it, but this sounds to me much more similar to my OCPDh's control issues than OCD self rituals or anxieties.
I could be different, but my OCD fears of something bad happening are VERY specific and recurring, not general like this sounds.

My OCPDh worries about all the things he DIDN'T think of that might happen, as well as a multitude of possible situation specific scenarios that might come up due to things out of his control, like the weather or what other people might do, or what may or may not be available at the concession stand.
I OCD worry about very specific scenarios I HAVE thought of and can't get out of my head and the disorder tells me I DO have control of the outcome if I do XYZ.
Another difference I can see is the willingness to inflict the whole thing on others. In my OCD support group, a commonality among the adult sufferers is that we are embarrassed and ashamed of any time we allow the disorder to affect our spouses/SO's or children or friends.  I don't think a single one of us would willingly and unapologetically hold an entire family captive as described. (kids/teens might do this however)

I used to think my OCPDh and I were a similar brand of quirky, but it turned out to be completely different things.

[Poison Ivy]

I appreciate the clarification and correction, BeautifulCrazy.

[Prototypian]

BC, again, it's amazing how similar the OCPD spouse behaviors line up.

For so many years I just wondered what was wrong with me.   I couldn't understand the constant tension, anger, worst case scenario s and things like this behavior of getting somewhere and immediately slowing down.   

I saw some of the behavior similarities with the NPD and BPD but they were different.   I think this type of person has more of a "prime directive gone wrong" robot type of behavior.   She does it for the good of  some sort of moral rules that are for everyone's benefit.   

There are some similarities with the others but in this case I feel her goal is not to contr me, it's to ensure that the rules are followed.  I'm simply detritus in the group who should know and follow the rules.   

I feel like the religious fanatics during the Spanish inquisition must have had this PD maybe along with being a sociopath.   

But to respond to BC, it's true, she has no compulsion to do certain things except to ensure that all things are right.   That's a big one but it's different than ensuring the doors are locked before you go to bed or hand washing or worrying about how clean a glass is in a compulsive way.    She is angry at anyone who doesn't follow the rules.  Ever been stuck in a traffic jam and see someone cut across the grass to get on the feeder.   Choose to do it or don't.   There is potential for the police to write a ticket or not.   My spouse gets so angry she takes photos of the card and tries to get them to the police, angry because they are breaking rules.   

[BeautifulCrazy]

Yes Jsinjin, I think our spouses share a very similar manifestation of OCPD!

It really ISN'T about getting any kind of attention, although from time to time that does happen, but mostly in more intimate relationships, not in a general, public sense.
Even the idea of performing a "public good" is not about photo ops or recognition or "trophyism" as some have described. It is internally motivated and the reward is internal as well. Like my OCPDh is now able to give himself the internal "attaboy" and sleep well knowing he did "the right thing" (also an internal standard, not based on what other people might consider to be "right"). 

Oops, I know that was a digression from your original post!

I am very sorry your trip is such an exercise in frustration. Is there any way you could just go ahead and enjoy yourselves without her, and she can join when she has got past her own blocks? The kids (and you) don't deserve to be always at the mercy of her issues.

[Prototypian]

We made it home!   I think my poor kid was exhausted and not from the race.  But glad to be home and it's quiet in the room where i stay!

[tommom]

I had a friend with a husband (lovely man but PD) who, when she need to go on a trip for work,, would wind up - without fail - in the Emergency Room. He would fall down, cut himself, get his foot run over, whatever. It was quite a list of injuries.  Never anything really major, but major-seeming enough to put him in control of her leaving.

I vote for control. My own PDh does the same sort of thing, but very passive-aggressive seeming. All an attempt to control me, without doubt. It is so silly seeming now and fortunately I can now either ignore it, leave on my own or sometime, actually talk directly to him about what he appears to be doing. None seems to have an effect for very long. I Just wonder: how did I ever get hooked into it all?