Need a little shoring up......

[Liketheducks]

Crazy and,  for the most part, amazing week here.   Started a week ago by competing in my 9th half ironman event.   Then unfortunately, struggling a bit with recovering while prepping for son's graduation which happened yesterday.   I was so happy for him.   He's overcome many obstacles with tenacity and perseverance to graduate and get scholarships in aerospace engineering for college.    I was SO pleased to watch him accept his diploma - and watch many of his friends that I saw grow up beside him.   

I knew this was coming.   I'm VLC with mom who lives in the area.   I extended the invite early on.   Made special arrangements for her to make to super fun for him and also comfortable for her.   He wanted her there.   While, I've been VLC, I've not maligned her name to DS nor have I stood in the way of any relationship that they may choose to have together.     They are also VLC....but when they are together, it isn't TOO awkward.

The ceremony itself was great.   Mom was mostly on good behavior - except I started feeling a bit annoyed that she kept asking if I was crying yet.   Of course I shed a few tears....but mostly I recognize that when I'm upset the men in my life REALLY try hard to fix that.   And, I wanted more than anything for DS to enjoy his day and accomplishments.     THIS.IS.NOT.ABOUT.ME.    I'm thrilled for him and the next chapter in his life.

My birthday falls in about two weeks.   Mom came back to the house with everyone for a few nibbles and drinks before traveling to visit a friend.   She brought be a giant birthday gift box.   She had hand made a beautiful knitted blanket for me for my birthday.   While my BFF was in the room, she made a point to be sure that everyone knew that every stitch was a hug to me.   I graciously received it.  It seemed genuine from her and I genuinely found it beautiful.     Then she said, I have something else for you, but I want you to have a glass of wine or two before that.    (Note, I used to drink a lot more than I do now.   I know now that I was numbing a lot of awful feelings.).   We enjoyed time celebrating DS and visiting with family.   

As mom was getting ready to leave and we were alone in the room....she brought out the second "gift".   It was two cards I had written her one 7 years ago and one 5 years ago.   5 years ago was when I made the decision to offer her another place, outside our home, to live.    She declined that offer and told everyone that I had kicked her out and made her homeless.    She put them side by side and compared them and told me that obviously I must hate her for the "tone" I'd written in.    She said that she has done nothing but think and worry about me day in and day out.   And, that this rift was all a waste.    And, that I, once again, needed to fix that.     I told her that I heard that she felt hurt and that wasn't my intention.....but that I wasn't going to discuss this further......after having a bit of wine AND that it was DS's day.    She left in a huff.    But, didn't ruin DS's day.   Made mine a little less magical.....but I'm a big girl now.    Of course, the zingers only happen when we're alone.   In everyone else's presence she's trying hard to paint a much different picture. 

My BFF said this was progress that Mom is willing to move forward.....but I just feel hammered by it.....and I'm fairly certain that I was.   I don't regret my decision for a second.   It was what needed to happen for the FOC....and for me.   Clearly, 5 years later, she's still hurt that I "abandoned" her OR, more to what I think, ......I abandoned the role she raised me to play.      Further, if you google fixing things with an estranged adult child.....there is SO MUCH good advice.  And....clearly.....she's NOT doing that.    I came away from this with the understanding that she's wanting a relationship, but that she wants the old one and that I'm still horrible for moving forward in a healthier direction for me.   I know there will be more to come.....honestly, I would welcome a healthier interaction....but it seems clear to me that for her.....that is solely my responsibility.   Just feel a bit of a NPD family contact emotional hangover here.   

[Cat of the Canals]

I respectfully disagree with your BFF. Making a big stink about giving you the thoughtful handmade gift in front of everyone and then blindsiding you once you're alone with that mega-guilt trip is so far from being "willing to move forward."

God, the more I think about this, the more bizarre it seems. She claims she has another gift, and the gift is a "hateful" letter you wrote her years ago????? How is that a gift?  (Feel free to file this in the "worst gifts you've received from a PD parent" thread. Geez.)

And she knew exactly what she was doing, which is why she wanted you to "have a glass or two of wine" first. To have a confrontation in this manner would be pretty inappropriate any time, but to do it at your son's graduation and under the guise of being for your birthday is just... woof.

I'm sorry for you and your son, but I'm glad that you didn't let her ruin his day or yours. I hope your birthday is lovely (and PD free)!

[feralcat]

Well, I hope she left 'your' gift with you. So you can have a private ceremonial burning in the garden at a time of your choosing. Feel the feelings and close that chapter.
Then she will have nothing to wave at you, or other people. Or ask to have back for xyz reasons.
Because they won't exist.

And ......Happy Birthday ! 

[Liketheducks]

Cat of the Canals......the more time away from the day.....and I wholeheartedly agree.   Criminy!   Stupid and utterly rhetorical question given I'm posting here......but why on earth does everything have to be about her??      BFF, having no experience with this, found it hard to believe that things went from "happy Family" to NPD doing her damnest to rope me back into where I'm "should" be in the few minutes I was alone with mom.   

What really hit home is that she really has no idea who I am anymore, aside from being a child in her eyes. 

[SunnyMeadow]

A big, exciting week for you and your son. Congrats to him on his graduation and to you on competing in your 9th half ironman, what a huge accomplishment!

The week being capped off  with your mother's huge slap in the face by ambushing you in private is just too much. What a day for her to bring out her secret weapon of doom. Big, exciting drama for her but it didn't work out in her favor.

She said that she has done nothing but think and worry about me day in and day out.   And, that this rift was all a waste.    And, that I, once again, needed to fix that.

This rift is all a waste of YOUR doing. You need to fix that.... The thing is you were trying to fix it by breaking away from her. She just wants the relationship back to the way it was.

She has done nothing but think about you day and night..... Uh yeah, she's been thinking of a way to ruin your day by getting emotions riled up over her hurt!

I'll bet there's an entire chapter in the NPD handbook about turning every holiday or event into being about them somehow. The best way seems to be bringing up "their hurt". I sure wish I knew about this tactic decades ago. Watch out on your birthday liketheducks, she might have something in store for that too.   

[Liketheducks]

SunnyMeadow....
She went on about always supporting me in my races.  (She came to one....18 years ago).   The ironman stuff is all online.   If she REALLY wanted to watch, it is live streamed.   She doesn't.   

What was ickier.......I noticed how much of the toxic conflict behaviors are her go to's.....that I have incorporated into my habits.   She ended the confrontation with classic stonewalling.    She asked what I planned to do about the rift, and then stormed out of the room as I was trying to respond.   I don't do it anymore, but totally saw where I learned it.   

In many ways, I really feel sorry for her.   No one in the family spends any amount of time with her anymore.   

[Liketheducks]

OMG.....I had totally forgotten about this.    Mom noticed where I had displayed a previous gift she'd given me and commented that she liked where I chose to put it.    Then proceeded to ask about multiple other items that she hadn't seen out and about.    "Where were they"?     

Funny, how these toxic behaviors are so hard to see in the moment when you've been raised with them.

[Cat of the Canals]

OMG.....I had totally forgotten about this.    Mom noticed where I had displayed a previous gift she'd given me and commented that she liked where I chose to put it.    Then proceeded to ask about multiple other items that she hadn't seen out and about.    "Where were they"?     

Funny, how these toxic behaviors are so hard to see in the moment when you've been raised with them.

My PDmil does this all the time. Demands to know if/when/how we used a gift she gave us. Meanwhile, on more than one occasion, she has returned gifts we gave her BACK TO US. Just casually says, "Here, I don't really use this."