Get your way guilt

[Freetobe]

So my spouse used to yell, sometimes scream at my son, this came to a head a year ago when I told her i wanted to seperate, i got the nerve to tell her how my son has been affected by her yelling, that now that he is 15 he is going to stick up for himself, his words i wont let her make me cower anymore, that was the last straw for me. I am still in the process of seperation but she did say to him last year she will never do that to him ever again. She has been good but, i also think she has this thing i researched called rejection sensitivit dysforia. When she thinks someone doesnt want to be with her especially my son she loses her mind. This is where the yelling came into play since he was a little boy. If he wanted me to lay with him at night and not her, when it was her turn, shit would hit the fan. I would record her alone with him the next morning to see what went on, and she would say "oh it's ok i get your lunch ready but i cant lay with you". He is 15 he doesnt want to hang with his parents. Does anyone else experience this? Now instead of yelling at him she is using guilt

[BeautifulCrazy]

I've only just heard of this RSD thing a few weeks ago in an ADHD newsletter. It struck me while reading as just a new name for BPD traits. It was grouped as a symptom of ADHD lack of self-regulation. I don't know anything about it beyond this one article I read, so I don't really have anything to say about it.

One of my thoughts is that the guilt tripping after-effects you describe sound like old fashioned passive aggressive behavior. Since it comes later, after the initial incident has passed, I'm not interpreting it as part of a dysregulated / dysphoric episode.

I have a 15 year old boy too. He does NOT want to hang with his parents!! (Except in secret, when he needs his mum) It seems to be a time of serious individuation and independence seeking. That can be hard on us moms. I wonder sometimes if this is it. Will we not connect any more like we used to?
It will probably never be the same.
After this 'embarrassed of his mum' phase, he is likely to be seeking that connection from a girlfriend instead.
That will be normal and okay because the end goal is him being an independent adult. But it sucks for me!! I lose my little boy, and our special closeness!!
For a PD, or an emotionally immature parent, it must be especially difficult. It sounds like your son has decided and expressed that the 'Fear' in FOG is no longer going to work, so your ex is left with Obligation and Guilt to play with.   

[feralcat]

That's interesting, BC / Free.
Two of my siblings visited this weekend. Mega rare. ( I still think they only came to see how 'ill' I look ( Long Covid). But whatever, it went well.) I'm not out to prove anything to anyone anymore. Usual dysfunctional family saga.

My sister is very chaotic. She has a diagnosis of ADD. Won't take any medication. Becoming increasingly emotionally disregulated, but doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that. Instead says she's a misanthrope - and now that she can't /won't maintain friendships. She said 'its because I have RSD'. Which I'd never heard about before. I'e nothing I can do about it. That a Disorder means permanently fixed......but she wasn't like this when younger. Chaotic and unreliable yes, but definitely sociable.

The thing is though is that ALL of my family have abandonment issues, because of my parents . Especially my unPdM , whose abandonment fears are mega. Her triangulating , and her destruction of the self esteem of her kids have resulted in most (large family) being unable to maintain relationships long term.
The difference being that , being more self aware (?) and Out of the FOG , I'm trying to work on it. I'm married (again), and working on maintaining that. Im researching a lot, talking to a T. But I still find friendships hard, especially when I feel the abandonment trigger rearing up. To me, it's not set in stone. It's something to work on.

I agree with RSD being another BPD trait - or at least a flea. (Tbh I think a quite a few 'diagnoses' are , at their root ascribable to the same causes. Trauma, abuse, ill health etc. Tweeke by circumstance into differing symptoms) . My family display a veritable cornucopia of said symptoms.

[BeautifulCrazy]

My sister is very chaotic. She has a diagnosis of ADD. Won't take any medication. Becoming increasingly emotionally disregulated, but doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that. Instead says she's a misanthrope - and now that she can't /won't maintain friendships. She said 'its because I have RSD'. Which I'd never heard about before. I'e nothing I can do about it. That a Disorder means permanently fixed......but she wasn't like this when younger.

To me, it's not set in stone. It's something to work on.

I agree with RSD being another BPD trait - or at least a flea. (Tbh I think a quite a few 'diagnoses' are , at their root ascribable to the same causes. Trauma, abuse, ill health etc. Tweeke by circumstance into differing symptoms) .

I agree with you feralcat. RSD is probably an overlapping trait of (m)any disorders that have dysregulation / lack of self regulation as a symptom.

The internet says: "People who have RSD don't handle rejection well. They get very upset if they think someone has shunned or criticized them, even if that's not the case."
That could be part of c-PTSD, Autism spectrum disorder, BPD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, basically just name a "disorder" that affects interpersonal relationships. Heck, even plain old emotional immaturity.

I also agree strongly with your view that just because it is a disorder, doesn't mean it is set in stone. I've got a small assortment of diagnosed "disorders" that affect me less and less as I learn new skills, strategies and habits. It's my personal collection of things that I work on. If I don't disclose, people don't usually realize that I live with any of them.

Even the rather pessimistic article I read decribes RSD as something that can be improved, and gives a list of management tactics:
1. Combat rejection by reinforcing strengths
2. QTIP – Quit Taking It Personally!
3. Develop affirmations
4. Remember that all emotions are valid
5. Be prepared to handle outbursts
6. Emphasize connection

Sorry, Freetobe, this is completely divergent from your original post!

How does your son feel about his interactions with his mom?
How is he handling it? Does he have a strategy for when these kind of things happen? Are you trying to help him work one out?
How do you talk about it with him?