Aloha!

[Mauiforsanity]

Aloha everyone -
I am 74 and just ended an almost seven year relationship with someone I lived with for five and a half years -
Never thought I would be here at this stage of my life, especially since he isn't the first PD person I've had a relationship with . . .
Life: it throws us curves -
I've 'switched islands' to get away from him; the longer I'm here, the better it is and the more I know it was the best decision I could've made -
I have this 'quote' taped to my computer and on my fridge:

she was fierce, she was strong, she wasn't simple. she wasn't simple and sometimes she barely slept. she always had something to say. she had flaws and that was ok. and when she was down, she got right back up. she was a beast in her own way, but one idea described her best: she was unstoppable and she took anything she wanted with a smile
                                                                                                                                                                                                  author unknown

Even though I'm 'of a certain age' most people think I'm much younger so I'm flirted with a lot - I had jobs dealing with the public so I'm not shy - my sister says I'm 'approachable' - apparently I'm also gullible . . .
But I'm not interested in finding a partner - right now -
What I AM interested in is: What if my guy has Asperger's and not a PD?? I've looked and looked and tried to find out - I don't want him back, but I do want to know how to know the difference. The question is out there but there's no definitive answer - that's how I found this website - looking for that answer for: How do you tell the difference between a sociopath and Asperger's?
I've read books, I've searched - HELP!
Tell me what you know!
Mahalo -

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome. I am sorry you have been faced with such painful questions in a relationship that meant a lot to you.

There are great resources and insights here that can help you identify traits and patterns of behavior in another person that are red flags. You can find that kind of info in the drop down menus above and throughout the resources and conversations taking place on the forum boards.

One thing we do not do here is diagnose. We are a peer support group focusing on behaviors in loved ones that are difficult to live with. As we share we develop strategies for recognizing unhealthy behaviors and a toolset for ourselves. The most important starting gate area that most of us that find we have been in relationship with one or more people who have dysfunctional and disordered behaviors begin learning and examining in is our own boundaries.

Take a look around the forum and when you are ready, join the conversations. We welcome you and look forward to supporting you as you heal and recover from this breakup.

[Mauiforsanity]

Thank you for your reply -

As I said in my post, I've looked and looked, read books, looked at this website and have not found answers . . .

[moglow]

I'm not sure the two are mutually exclusive, to be honest. What if he's *both* [and possibly more]?

To me one of the main issues with trying to get a diagnosis regarding mental illness is, the mind is so very complex. You take children growing up in the same home with the same parents going to the same schools, no obvious/known health issues - and one of that family just isn't right somehow, or worse theyre VERY not right. Tests are inconclusive. That person becomes an adult who still sees no problem and shows no accountability for their behavior and treatment of others. Get them to seek professional help and you may get a mix of diagnoses with no direction or "cure" available.

I say all this to say, all we can realistically do is look at the behaviors and decide if that's where we want to be. If that's something we can overlook or tolerate. If we can successfully separate ourselves and see that it's not personal unless we take it so.

[Starboard Song]

Welcome!

I agree with Mo, and say it this way:

You are walking down the street when you see a white van careening towards you. It is crashing over construction cones and on a course off the road and right at you. Maybe it is driven by a madman: a terrorist aiming to kill you and other innocent civilians. Maybe the driver is suffering from a medical event, like a heart attack: he means no harm and needs assistance. What matters first is that you know you will be reliably injured unless you take evasive action.

I feel like it is that way with diagnoses. A PD diagnosis is unreliable, and is only a diagnosis of symptoms anyway. And a diagnosis can cause us to dither, and to fail to protect ourselves. So while I do believe my MIL has BPD, I really don't care much whether a trained medical expert would agree with me. It is enough for me to know she is behind the wheel of that van careening my way.

Given the nature of these different diagnoses, I think it accomplishes little to tell them apart. Statements like, if they have such-and-such PD, they will do blah-blah-blah are just not true. And statements like, because they are on whichever trendy spectrum, they can't help themselves are just not at all relevant to my way of thinking. If a person cannot help but to hurt me, that's even more reason to move on. And we spot toxicity of all flavors by the symptoms: you know those. You know the consistent behaviors or responses that are poor indicators or relationship success or trustworthiness. So act on those behaviors.

I apologize for this non-answer from me: maybe others can do better. But I truly believe it is healthier and more reliable to focus on the symptoms we observe and to act on those -- weighing their severity and consistency, because all of us make mistakes and have our little weaknesses and foibles. I am so very proud of you for taking actions to protect your well-being when something was way beyond foibles. I hope we see you more on the boards and that folks are able to help you with some answers, or with their own helpful stories.

[NarcKiddo]

Hi, and welcome. I'm sorry your relationship did not work out but glad you have made the right decision for you.

Why do you want to know if he had Asperger's rather than some other disorder?

[Mauiforsanity]

Thanks for all of your replies -

I don't know how this forum works yet, so I hope all of you that took the time to respond see this -

I SO appreciate your insights!!!

WHY I was looking to 'excuse' his behavior with an Asperger's diagnosis?? I guess I wanted a 'reason' for him to be incapable of loving me . . . because I know I'm loveable!!! I didn't want to have to accept that he totally duped me for seven years!!! A woman in her 60's-70's who is smart, capable and strong. I didn't think it was possible that this could be my situation - - -
It's really awful to think about everything, as I look back with better knowledge than I had at the time -

But I'm done doing that - no more space in my head, rent free!

It's a car with a driver that has a problem - they're headed straight for me and if I don't get out of the way I'll be crushed -

Thank you all, so very much!!!

[Starboard Song]

WHY I was looking to 'excuse' his behavior with an Asperger's diagnosis?? I guess I wanted a 'reason' for him to be incapable of loving me . . . because I know I'm loveable!!! I didn't want to have to accept that he totally duped me for seven years!!!

That's a surprising and a great answer, to be honest. It makes a lot of sense that a diagnosis means "it's him, and he is broken, not deceitful." That makes a bunch of sense. May I say it? Unless you are a millionaire or something, he wouldn't deceive you for seven years. Occam's Razor suggests he's just off, in whatever way. There are two many grey areas in all these diagnoses to give you satisfaction, I am afraid.

Welcome, again, to OOOTF.

(At the top right of your screen, you should see links for "New replies" and "New posts." Any time you comment on anything, further posts within that thread are considered New Replies, even though nobody may be replying to you personally. This is an easy way to follow up on things, but it leaves the user in charge of deciding whether to go look.)

[Mauiforsanity]

Thank you!

I guess re-reading it, I agree: It is a good answer . . . we don't want to feel unloved, do we?

And your answer was GREAT, Starboard Song - he is 'off', whatever that translates to. And his 'offness' doesn't coincide with what I need out of a relationship.

The fact that when I look back and feel duped, I just have to realize that it will never happen again.

Thanks again to everyone!

[moglow]

WHY I was looking to 'excuse' his behavior with an Asperger's diagnosis?? I guess I wanted a 'reason' for him to be incapable of loving me . . . because I know I'm loveable!!! I didn't want to have to accept that he totally duped me for seven years!!! A woman in her 60's-70's who is smart, capable and strong. I didn't think it was possible that this could be my situation - - -
It's really awful to think about everything, as I look back with better knowledge than I had at the time -

I realize it doesn't help, but consider that he may not be capable of loving. Period. Saying try to not take it personally sounds trite, but if he doesn't have it in him, that's across the board not having understanding of love as you know it to be. I get it, it IS personal to each of us, just as it was between me and my mother. But the woman is lacking. What she imagines love to be, I have no idea. I just know that's not what I felt from her and I'm okay if I never expose myself to it again.

I believe there truly is some essential something missing from certain people in this world, and my mother is one of those people. That something in her became a void, an abyss of need and demands and anger and spite that I hope I never encounter again.

Wishing you peace.

[Mauiforsanity]

it is tough, for sure -

Most people have at least heard of love and through TV, books, songs, etc. have an idea of what love is; at the least they are capable of faking it if they've heard about it, I suppose -

But when it comes to a parent, that's truly tough . . . I don't know what you do besides what you're doing - you need to keep your sanity. And you might be 100% accurate in saying that something is missing. I think that's as possible as anything.

As a parent, I can't imagine not loving my child. But I also know that I could have been a much better (different) parent than I was.

Peace to you as well moglow -