He called me a sociopath. how scared should I be? Is he one???

[rockandhardplace]

I've read a lot on this forum that's been soooo helpful. His nasty projections, omg, but I woke up this morning actually feeling more sorry for UPDh when I think about the sad child that can't handle his own emotions and was maybe rejected as a child (knowing his mum this is quite feasible).  Night before was this crazy tirade berating me again for returning to uni after 12 years as stay home mum, in which he called me a sociopath. This was triggered by me asking him to send me the details about a trip that he's booked for all of us - me, him, our kids, eventhough I said I probably couldn't do those dates (this is ignoring the craziness of us going to see his family and play the normal family facade that has gone on for 4 years). This is after me asking twice before for the booking. When he gets abusive I take out my phone and record him. It's a new thing cus otherwise I can't remember what he's said and it stops him being really abusive. It was so disordered. He's totally rewritten our history so all the years I was at home with kids was me "pissing around" (we have 3 and no family in the country, he was gone 7am-7pm every day), not only denying that there ever was an agreement for me to study when youngest started school, but now I should've been working all along and denying conversations we had where he said it was better if I didn't work so he could work any hours he needed etc. He earns a great salary. So now I'm getting closer to graduating he's getting more abusive - I don't get a say in family plans because I don't have a job, etc. Calling me a sociopath, I'm exploiting him....
Anyways, even after all that I was feeling sorry for him by this morning until I got a reply to my email. I'd unemotionally challenged his memories with facts and then I said again (this has been going on for years) that we can't keep living like this and what does he want to do. Mentioned separation. His response was to say we can't separate because I'm not a normal person, I don't have a job, I'm a sociopath. This is his latest thing, I'm a sociopath. I have no self awareness. He engages in crazy emotional and verbal abuse, follows me into rooms, yells an inch from my face... but I'm the abuser, I'm a sociopath? What I'm scared about is whether this is another projection and he is not just a NPD/BP he's actually a sociopath?? I'm so scared that he will murder us all if I leave. Or he's going to make up some crazy false allegations to land me in jail or lose my kids. This is seriously disordered isn't it? How do I gauge our risk???

[notrightinthehead]

I can so totally relate to your post. My NPDh spiraled into a frenzy when I became more independent. I also recorded his rages for similar reasons. Store them online with a password.
You seem afraid and you have reason to. Please, please study the Toolbox. Learn medium chill, Non Jade, and grey rock. You can also search for these strategies on YouTube and please use them! You will get better at it with practice! With time they will make your home life calmer. Do not challenge your husband directly and do not discuss your plans with him. Just follow your own plans and do what you need to do and have decided to do.
Your husband is probably not a mental health professional, so he cannot diagnose you as a sociopath. I presume he is just abusing you, calling you names. Don't take that seriously. Going back to university and trying to better yourself does NOT make you a sociopath.
You need support. Do you have a friend you can trust or a group for abused/ co-dependent people? Your husband might even allow you to get therapy, now that he diagnosed you. You could tell him you want to work on your issues.
Your feeling sorry for him might come from the deep understanding that you becoming more independent scares him and that is why he behaves in such an ugly way. BUT he behaves abusively. Do you want to allow yourself to be abused? Do you want to be bullied by an abuser to cow to his demands?
Please make sure you are safe. That means calming your home life. Walk away when he rages. Do not engage when he is unreasonable.

[rockandhardplace]

Oh I don't think for a second that I'm the sociopath. What I am concerned about is that he is projecting this onto me because he is. We had another email run in recently where his level of projection scared the hell out of me. I found searches on our shared computer for things like how to trick a hypocondriac (that was an earlier diagnosis of his for me,  then it was anxiety) and then it turned into are hypocondriacs self aware, are they sociopaths and now he's stuck with that as an explanation for his abuse and our dysfunctional situation. I'm a sociapath. I don't engage with him, I am so grey rock, but i didn't go for the bait in emails so now he's starting the face to face abuse again. How do I walk away when I'm making dinner for my children? He has booked 20 hour flights for all of us and won't give me the details. He's taking my kids skiing and i keep thinking if he's an actual sociopath that explains him flying down the slope at crazy speeds with our 5 year old. I still remember my beginner ski instructor saying something about him how dangerous that was. How can I possibly protect them from him if he gets 50/50 or worse his denigration campaign works and he alienates them all from me?

[square]

Your post shows PD behavior and abuse on your husband's part. I did not see sociopathy from what you wrote here.

My H doesn't call me a sociopath but he does say I have "NO EMPATHY AT ALL" when triggered. "You're a sociopath" strikes me as shorthand for "you have no empathy" which is how PDs feel when anyone else has any needs that conflict with their own needs, wants, agenda.

[rockandhardplace]

Thanks for the replies...
Yes you are both right I have been triggered by the label sociopath out of fear that maybe he's using that specific term to project some level of subconscious realisation that he is one and therefore capable of anything, including murder. The closest it's ever come to physical abuse is him knocking phones out of my hand when I record him raging. I think his projections really scare me as I can't figure out how that works in someones head. When I read back the email it feels much less threatening now and seems more another way of avoiding thinking about separation. But again the projections are what I find so disturbing. He talks about me not being a normal person who can't see the damage being caused despite the evidence. The use of the word evidence is interesting as this was in response to me resending an old email where we discuss me going back to uni when our youngest started school and his current reasoning for why everything is my fault is that not only did he not agree to be going back to uni, but he never agreed to me being a stay at home mum. I find myself wondering if it's all just a game / deliberate gaslighting to suggest that for 11 years I could've not worked if it wasn't what he'd wanted.  Like the kitchen conversations we had where I'm trying to talk about not know what I can get into after so many years and being told not to worry about money, maybe just volunteer or something.  Him recounting stories of friends at work that struggled because both parents had demanding jobs and how they weren't even much better off financially, but had so much stress. Him setting up a joint bank account where all money goes in and out of and referring to his pay as "our wages" to make me feel comfortable not working after being fiercely independent etc. I still have a lot of sadness I guess for him trying to erase anything good about our time together and completely trashing my contribution to the family.  But there's also something so out of control about his behaviour that I feel like he's convinced himself that his revisionist history is actually real. We saw a counsellor once and he rocked up and itemised on his fingers all of my "issues" as being the cause of our problems and was so shocked that the counsellor didn't agree to blame me for everything. As things were going downhill he diagnosed me as having anxiety. He signed up to online counselling another time with me but we had to cancel as he didn't participate. Not one word. Then a month after he asks what my plan is for the next year - when our youngest started school and I reminded him that I was going to study. He told me I should forget about study and look for a minimum wage job instead. I said no and then that became the new reason for our family dysfunction. To be honest the more I think about it maybe this is okay until I can figure out how to escape? You hear about such awful stories of false allegations made up by disordered PD's so in a way it's better if he thinks the whole problem is me not working rather than him having to concoct a new, more damaging reason?
I still can't sleep for thinking about how our lives can never be normal. How can my kids ever have any kind of normality in their lives? If I leave god knows what he'll do. He's already caused issues with my eldest daughter with long-term denigration of me, I worry he'll alienate them all. I don't know how you can ever be sure they won't go homicidal. When I think of what triggers him it is definitely me differentiating. I don't think he has seen me as a separate individual for a long time. We had a few days in different states recently and it was such bliss. I kind of expected maybe he enjoyed it as much as me and was getting more open to separation, but he seems to need the intact family facade. Sometimes I wonder if it's safest to stay until my youngest is near adulthood, but thats another decade!! And it's not like we are even civil to each other in front of them. We don't speak at all and both our families live overseas so they literally have no role models for relationships. And do I have to give up on my own life and never have a "romantic" relationship? I'm heading into menopause so no more kids on the horizon but never even having sex or any physical intimacy in my life ever again?? Is that the only way to keep my kids safe? 

[notrightinthehead]

One step at a time. Focus on your studies. Try to get good grades and pass exams. Choose subjects that interest you and will allow you to find jobs. Keep your home as calm as you possibly can. Protect your kids by role modeling healthy behaviour. Be as kind and loving as you possibly can to yourself and everyone around you. Avoid circular arguments. And take your mind off him, what he thinks, what he does or does not do, what he feels, what he plans, and bring it back to yourself,  what you can do to improve your situation.

[square]

Projection is clearly happening, but it's not as simple as it only being projection.

The main thing in his interactions with you isn't that he has identified something in himself and projected it on to you. It's that he has weaponized everything against you. Projection is one of his weapons but not the only one.

He is at war with you due to his dysfunction. So anything he can say to make you the absolute worst, most at-fault human who ever lived, he'll use.

I hear your panic and wish I could help.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I can relate to much of your post.
I tried to stay in the marriage for our son, I thought I could wait until he graduated high school, just a few years. 
I couldn't wait - and I'm glad I came Out of the FOG, and started to work on my own life.  That, helped my son.
We all find our own way - in this forum, some stay because of the kids, some like myself, end up not. 
My suggestion - take baby steps to find a way to help yourself first.  This forum has great suggestions and resources, start slowly to find your way to a life that is more peaceful.  Your children will watch you, and hopefully, this models for them how to be caring to yourself.