Accidentally found out she died

[JenniferSmith]

Just wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss.  When you discovered the house had been sold/remodeled it was like you suddenly stepped from one reality into another one - very shocking. Then, learning of her death, another reality.  Sometimes our lives can change dramatically in an instant, and then it takes a while for us to get a sense of what this new reality feels like to live in.  I wish you peace and ease during this time.

[Sidney37]

Hi Stacia
I had been wondering how you were doing.  I'm so happy to hear that you have moved.  I'm sorry to hear that you are dealing with the shock of all of this surprising news.   I don't have any wonderful advice, as I expect to eventually (soon) be going through the same.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I just wish you peace, calm and so much selfcare during this time.  It's definitely a lot to take in.   

[Amadahy]

Hi Stasia,

I resonated so much with your story and your fears.  I am VERY thankful you and SO have a lovely life and that you'd been able to be NC and work toward healing.  That said, wow (!!!) ...  I can't imagine the whirlwind of emotions you feel just now.  I have no advice, just lots of compassion and warmest wishes for your ability to thrive at your pace. 

[stasia]

Thanks, Pepin. I'm going to post over there. I'm not sure of the protocol as far as whether this thread should get deleted?

we can move it over or leave it as is- let us know what works best for what can help you most right now

Does this board have the ability to merge threads? Another board I'm on does do that, not sure about here. Regardless, I feel like one place to process all this makes more sense to me so maybe moving it would be best?

Just wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss.  When you discovered the house had been sold/remodeled it was like you suddenly stepped from one reality into another one - very shocking. Then, learning of her death, another reality.  Sometimes our lives can change dramatically in an instant, and then it takes a while for us to get a sense of what this new reality feels like to live in.  I wish you peace and ease during this time.

Yeah, this was for sure a LOT to take in over the span of a couple of days. Especially finding it all out randomly and accidentally.

[Spring Butterfly]

They have been merged into this post and you will find them in date / time order.

[justducky]

I resonated so much with your story and your fears.  I am VERY thankful you and SO have a lovely life and that you'd been able to be NC and work toward healing.  That said, wow (!!!) ...  I can't imagine the whirlwind of emotions you feel just now.  I have no advice, just lots of compassion and warmest wishes for your ability to thrive at your pace. 

As an only child, holy moley! You're a strong person to have extricated yourself from the situation with your mother so you could live your life. 

My story, which I'll keep short to not totally hijack: I've been VLC with my FOO for years. Went VVVVVLC after uPD father died and my sister and her family practically merged with enMom afterwards. They kept trying to suck me back in. I went NC with them a few months ago. I do wonder if anyone will tell me when enMom dies; there's a large extended family. My sister, BIL, and an enabling aunt will likely take care of everything at least.

[Spring Butterfly]

Hi, everyone. It's been a while since I have been on here, I hope it's OK that I'm back looking for a space to process this.
(To refresh everyone's memory, I'm the one who was threatened with elder abuse/neglect by social workers if I didn't move in with my mother and caregive her, she was a hoarder who also hoarded cats in her house and yard.)

i remember you and my jaw just dropped. I'm catching up with your story and post 

ETA - I read your full post and the follow up. What a huge amount to process. My thoughts and wishes for peace and healing remain with you through these days.

[stasia]

Thank you all, and thanks to the mods for merging my threads together as when I originally posted I did NOT expect to find out she died. The women on that side of the family typically live well into their 90s so I figured I had another 10 years at least of looking over my shoulder waiting for someone to find me and demand that I report for caregiving duty.

I should feel more free than I do. Maybe it just hasn't sunken in yet. But I'm also waiting for whoever took care of her house and her estate to come find me and rip me a new one for being such a terrible daughter. The other day the thought popped into my head, "They must be so pissed at me because I made them clean up my mess." What? No. HER mess. not MY mess.
(except I still do sort of feel like it was my mess to clean up. I guess deep down I still feel responsible for her? ARGH. How many more years of therapy does it take to undo THAT one?)

[Spring Butterfly]

You've got this Stasia!! You've got this! You're already self-correcting the thoughts.

[FromTheSwamp]

It's very possible that someone who took over is looking over their shoulder worried that you will pop up and demand your inheritance because they think they stole that $1300 from you.

I can understand at least one of the reasons you don't feel more free after learning this bombshell - it doesn't feel real, because you didn't live it in the way you always expected to.  I expect that after more time has passed, and no one has come out of the woodwork wanting something from you, it will feel better.

[Zebrastriped]

stasia, I feel for you, that you found out about your mom's passing in such an accidental, impersonal way.  I saw you felt relief about not having to address the mess and all those poor cats but you still  cared about the situation.  Its alot of confusing emotions to deal with.  You do that in your own time.  I also wanted to just let you know that I have experienced conflicting emotions about the death and aftermath.  During the end of my mom's decline, there were so many 'dress rehearsals' of her death that by the time she got around to it, I didn't realize she was there.  I was wistful about missing the chance for one last conversation, but I'm even more glad that emotional rollercoaster was completely skipped.  Your after passing journey is going to be very different from anyone else's.  If you take 3 steps of it, and then sit down on a stump for the next three months, that's you taking care of yourself.   I wish you peace and calm and help when you need it and when you don't.

[lkdrymom]

Here is to you finally being able to move forward and have peace.

[olivegirl]

Stasis,
Your posts over the years have guided me so much. 

Thank you so much for sharing your story and please accept my deepest condolences on your loss.

Wishing you so much peace.

[stasia]

So, someone saw fit to inform me of her death and settlement of her estate, yesterday. Via certified letter from a lawyer. 6 months after she died! Well, I suppose that's what I get for being NC.

I learned that she died in a nursing home and had dementia.

Also... she didn't disinherit me. There is an account I am beneficiary on. It is, to me, a lot of money, though certainly not enough to retire on it anything. Let's say, enough for a very nice down payment and we do want to buy a house in the next year or 2.

I feel extremely conflicted about accepting this money, though my partner thinks it would be crazy not to take it. It feels dirty and shameful. Is it wrong to accept it, knowing that I don't deserve it? I didn't even know it still existed, before NC she had said she was draining that account for living expenses.  She could have used that to pay off her house, and still had money left over, which instead she let go into foreclosure. Why did she do that?

The fine print of the letter lists out all the things that another family member did to care for her, including dealing with "code violations" so I assume someone finally reported her for the cat hoarding. This family member is asking for a sum out of the estate that I would gladly have paid anyone to deal with her, so that is fine with me.

But, like, seeing in print, listed, everything that they cleaned up that I did not do, because of being NC, is hard and triggering and I am feeling a lot of shame. I had to call the lawyer back today, got his voicemail. I am sort of bracing for him telling me what a terrible daughter I am.

I also don't love that the lawyer has my new out of state address and now my phone number. I do not want that given out to my family but that ship has probably  already sailed. 

[moglow]

Stasia I can only imagine how that must feel, but please put aside your feelings of shame or guilt. That relationship failed but I'll warrant not because of anything you did or didn't do. I'm coming to believe PDs carry around trunkloads of stuff we may only see flashes of [even knowing what we DO see, how awful it must be to haul around]. But still, THEIR stuff and they deal with it in whatever minute ways they are able.

Please keep reminding yourself: You didn't cause this, you can't control it and certainly could never have cured it. I'd venture a guess you've long since apologized for any/all deliberate harm you may have dropped at her doorstep, and you still have residuals you're dealing with as best you can. When we know better, we do better.

Accept the money. Or accept part of the money by way of splitting it with the family member you mentioned. Use it to do some good for yourself and your family, possibly even donate some of it to a local mental health facility or animal rescue if you feel so inclined.
We're here with you, Stasia.

[FromTheSwamp]

Stasia, you paid for that inheritance many many times over.  Take it and use it to make your life better.  It won't make up for what she put you through, but it's yours. 

[SunnyMeadow]

I agree, take it and use it. It really is yours since you're the next of kin. You do deserve it. You are her daughter and wow...you put up with a lot. I think this way too. I put up with SO MUCH from them. If it got money when it was all said and done - I deserved it. When both of my folks died I had to think about the best way to use the money I received. Take time to sit with it.

Don't worry about the lawyer thinking you're a bad daughter. I'll bet lawyers aren't shocked or bothered by much. Keep in mind you were protecting yourself by going NC, it was a smart thing to do. Please don't feel bad about it.

[Call Me Cordelia]

If the lawyer or anybody else thinks you're a bad daughter, that's his business and bless his heart. Easier said than lived.

As to why she didn't use the money for her expenses and needed that family member to bail her out, my money's on simply poor planning. Guess you'll never know for sure.

Look at that list as just a very partial list of the reasons you went NC to protect yourself. "Code violations" indeed. What she was doing was against the law. She made a giant mess. And you were getting stuck with the responsibility for that and many many other messes of her making. That other family member was not obligated to take on that responsibility any more than you were.

So take all the money, give some to the family member, give it to charity, or flush all of it down the toilet. It is yours and completely up to you.

[hhaw]

Stasia:

You can set your mind on NOT accepting judgment and criticism from that attornye OR anyone involved in the estate.  That attorney doesn't have any right to judge you just as you aren't obligated to allow it or let it in.

You're perfectly entitled to stop the lawyer, state a boundary......
"I'm not going to discuss anything but details around the legals involved.  Please don't veer off topic again. If you do, I'll assume the conversation is ending and will take place another time."

If the attorney is set on discussing off topic judgments..... ask if there's another member in the office who can handle communications with you.  Often their secretaries can and do handle details competently or more competently than attorneys, IME.

I remember one of my attorneys saying things to me that stung and......
I auto remembered he didn't know why I held those positions or chose my actions.  Thank God that was enough to clean my plate of his judgments, bc I had ZERO bandwidth to take that on board and carry on with what I was dealing with.

Your mother brought you into this world without your permission and she couldn't be the mother you deserved.

Providing you with a down payment for a home would be the very least your mother could do for you, IMO.

She failed to be the safe, consistent mother you were entitled to, which would have been preferable to a handful of dollars, but that's all she could give, bc she was broken and could do no better. 

Whatever you decide, don't let your SO or anyone pressure you  into it.  Take your time.  Process.  Make peace with your decision and find your center around it before acting, is my advice.

[Pepin]

Stasia, you paid for that inheritance many many times over.  Take it and use it to make your life better.  It won't make up for what she put you through, but it's yours.

Agreed.  Hopefully the attorney will treat this nothing other than a transaction that they were paid to do by the estate. 

Sadly however, it is such a violation and gross feeling that your whereabouts are now known after the fact that your not sharing was your way of staying safe.  I've been through the same by not providing my address and of course my father knows now.  I've scrubbed what I could online but he probably paid someone or a site to get the info.  We are all public whether we want to be or not...