It’s starting already

[Seven]

All of the FB posts and condolences and the "oh your mom was so great".  Thing is, they're not even directed to me.  I didn't post anything on FB about it yet. It's come from a few siblings.  Two of the boys.  And my youngest son.  I'll post the obit when it's published.  My YS wrote it.  He's the wordsmith.  Anyway.  I'm sure when I post it, I'll get condolences, but the sad part is, none of my friends knew my mother except for maybe the neighborhood kids.  All of whom had large families that grew up with my other siblings. So really, what is anyone going to say?  Can't say "your mom was a great lady" because literally none of them knew her.

As a child  I was shooed out of the house while the boys could have anyone they wanted over, because "more boys"  Parties out the yang.  Because "boys". She just loved the attention of boys. And anytime a boy would say "gee this is great Mrs M" she would just soak it up.  Every party she hosted, every wedding she planned, it was all about her and what people would think of her because she would literally say "you are a reflection of me".  She needed to have that admiration from anyone, and anyone who didn't give it to her was the enemy.  She did the nice things she did because she "needed" the attention, not because it was genuinely from her heart. And she made it known that by the time she got to me, she was tired.  That she did things because she HAD to or it made her look bad. Or guilt.  She had to do it for the other 6 so she just HAD to do it for me.  But looking back, I can see the resentment.  I mean, FFS, she made it clear as day she thought she was FINALLY going to have a life before she got pregnant with me. 

And do the nice things out-weight the 1000 papercuts she gave us? I guess not if there was an ulterior motive.

So that's where I'm at 2 days postmortem.  Upset because none of my hometown friends actually knew my mother in any way whatsoever, which reverts me back to how much of a burden I was to her.  I only have less than a handle full of friends in the state I've lived in for 35 years, and none of them really knew her either.  The adult friends that did meet my mother only met her a handful of times and they saw how she behaved about me. 

So yeah.  I'm not crying because she's dead.  I'm crying because of the wounds she left behind.

I think I want to vomit now.

[Starboard Song]

Oh, Seven! Thanks for sharing.

I am sorry that her passing, and the reflections of others, have scraped at those wounds.

I feel like the superficial comments like "what a wonderful woman" and "you've lost so much" have a lot in common with those comments we get when people hear we are NC: "but she's your mother," and "Oh, I just KNOW you will work it all out." There is this terible clash when people who don't understand PDs try to console or advise those who sadly do.

Now is a time for compartmentalizing, realizing that most of these folks mean no harm, and are only engaging in common, empty courtesies. Or else they are reflecting their own (limited) knowledge of the situation.

I am so sorry that that will still leave you in a sad place of processing right now. I wish you good strength.

[SunnyMeadow]

only engaging in common, empty courtesies

Isn't this the truth! Social media is such an easy place for this kind of thing. Not even the price of a stamp.

I do think that many people reach out because they like the person they are giving condolences to and want to offer a kind word. I reach out to friends and family with a card or call, just so they know I'm thinking of them. I've done this with friends even when I've never met their parents. Acknowledging their loss even if I don't know if they had a good relationship or not. I've received cards and think to myself, I'm not grieving - don't worry about me! But I understand the sentiment of the card giver and I'm appreciative of it. It's hard to know if I should send a sympathy card, a thinking of you card or no acknowledgement at all.

I'll bet there are a large amount of people on social media who offer condolences just so they aren't the one person in the group who doesn't reply. 

Seven, I'm sorry you're struggling. They really do leave so many wounds behind. It's a lot to process after they die.

[moglow]

Ya know, Seven, this makes me think of those families where different kids literally seemed to have different parents [Mommie Dearest comes to mind, where the younger children poo-poohed everything Christina said about Joan Crawford, they both talked about how great she was while Christina and Christopher experienced something very different]. I remember my cousins' comments about our Granny/Daddy's mother, the great times they had with her and their stories about her and her life - we had none of that with her. The four of us were almost a generation younger than those cousins, plus mother was so jealous and territorial that we honestly didn't spend much time with Granny at all. The lady they talked about when we gathered for her funeral? She was a complete stranger to us.

Starboard makes a good point about people meaning no harm - they're saying what they know to say in that situation. As time goes by I find more people get it than I would ever have imagined, and they're very guarded with what they say. Some of those comments you see could likely be from similar situations and hoping that's not the case for you.

I'm hoping there truly is peace in all of this for you, knowing all that chaos and resentment is behind you and no longer a part of your life. For me, that's a big part of our grieving process, figuring out what to do with all that emotional stuff we never wanted.