Life Update: Job, Relationships, Self-Care

[BefuddledClarity]

Hi, I just wanted to give a slight update...I put questions at the end of the subjects.

I do this often, because I feel alone most times. I want to see if there's others that can relate... I sometimes can't talk to people in real life about certain things that I can on Out of the FOG. I've also read some posts on here too, that were very inspiring, and makes me want to try harder to do better.

Anywho...

::JOB::

Work-wise, everything has been going OK. The bosses at this new job have been very amicable. I messed up a couple of times, one being MAJOR. I feared that they'd scold me or call me stupid...similar to my last job, but instead, my bosses have been kind and told me "It's okay, you're still new, it takes time to learn", while also providing constructive criticism to prevent those mistakes as well as tips.

The only bad thing about the job though...I don't really eat. I mean, I CAN take breaks, but if I do, it slows down what time I get off work[we get paid the same regardless of whether we finish late or early]. Furthermore, I'm running around all day and lifting heavy objects [depending on cargo that day] and don't really have time for any sort of break, I just want to get my work load done early. I make goals for myself everytime.

That's pretty much my only complaint work-wise..Well, apart from it not a "career", so eventually, I'll need to finish my degree in [specific field of] engineering...I never completed the degree due to attempting to find housing during that time and a job.

I want to study in a couple other fields as well if/when I get time. I plan on going back to school maybe in Spring? By then, I should have my own place and transportation.

Are you content with your job? What are your career goals?

:: RELATIONSHIPS ::

Platonic
In regards to relationships...Platonic-wise, I've been keeping people at acquaintance level, until I heal a bit more and figure out what my boundaries are or really, what I want out of a friend(ship) I suppose? I have an easier time making/keeping online friends on hobby related platforms than in real life. I can "make" friends easy in real life, but the hard part is making "good" friends. I've let people step all over me in the past and somewhat recent, since I'm currently vulnerable...but I'm not letting my guard down anymore.

I'm going to take these friendships REAL slooooow. Though, to be quite frank, I don't really care if I have friends or not right now. I'm too distracted with other things going on in my life [ex. I need to pay off the eviction, I need to buy another car, I'm working to get FULL custody of my child, and the court is considering it, but only after I meet certain requirements, right now, I'll only be granted unsupervised visits and more visitations]

Do you have a lot of friends right now? What are your "rules to making friends"[ex. Boundaries, green flags, etc]

Romantic
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Marino =  my younger and 2nd oldest brother's best friend, guy I'm seeing
Kaleo = ex-friend
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Romantic-wise, it's complicated...
I've been rejecting advances towards me now, I'm not nice about it anymore. Some dude who patron's at Marino's workplace that I've made acquaintance, got upset that I never texted him back, and I snapped at him. I've been going through my own stuff, and the way he brought it up made me angry. Then he kept looking me "up and down" creepily and asking too many questions about my son's custody and not listening to any of my answers. Oh...and he was drunk. So really annoying.[Lucky, he doesn't have my REAL number, only a WiFi one...]

I no longer speak to Kaleo, who was my friend, as he went a week without speaking to me, then only hit me up to see if I'd come to his party, where he'd be drunk...I don't like talking to him when he's drunk, because he's creepy.

As for Marino, right after I made my last post, we started hanging out for days, took a break in between, then hung out again today. I found out some (more) personal things he's been going through and understand him a bit better. He's also suddenly accepting of affection? He doesn't mind it. He WANTED me to cuddle him these past few days. I don't know if he changed based on what's happened to him in his life or something else?

Also... Marino's mother called me the other day worried about him. She told me she thinks he's going to commit suicide and a bunch of other personal things, and requested I DON'T tell Marino about our chat and wants his home address [I can't provide that without his permission...I think it's better she ask him]. I just let her know he's doing okay, and was merely overwhelmed and he misses her, it's just that he's currently handling his own business [he doesn't want to worry his mother, and these are things he has told me before]. I let Marino know his mother called me, and he just explained to me what's going on.

I feel less irritated with Marino, however...however...I still want to spend time for myself. I have the whole day off today, and told him I'm going to chill alone for a bit. He was rather sad, but understanding as I left this morning.

Are you currently in a relationship? What were your "rules for relationships"?

:: SELF - CARE ::
I want to do self-care and have some self-love again for my mind and body by doing things such as eating better, exercising and take care of my physique overall. 

As for the mind, I want to get rid of the negative, paranoid, presumptuous thoughts that have been implanted into my brain by the PDs in my life.

Do you guys have tips on how to get rid of these negative PD voices implanted into your head?

I also would like to read and write more, my ability is deteriorating. I'm also forgetting my own native language, I feel like I cannot speak or write it properly anymore. I think reading/writing can help ease my mind as well.

Another thing I have been doing for self-care is therapy. The type of therapy I'm in has the main focus of domestic violence I faced from PDex/PDbd...I'm thinking about bringing up my family history, how my PDmother used to hit me, and how my PDparents we're both verbally abusive as well. I've already had PTSD from my PDfamily, but I feel like people will think it's JUST the PDex. It's hard explaining to people about having a dysfunctional family, they either tell you "that's your blood though!" Or "Just deal with it, it's normal"[when it really isn't]...


Any updates you guys would like to share about your life?

[Amadahy]

Hi Befuddled Clarity,

It's helpful to reflect, isn't it?  You've made some very good progress and sounds like you're becoming more self-aware and gracious toward yourself.  I am glad you're in therapy and think that you definitely should bring up your family history.  Your therapist will help you make connections you may not be able to see easily and it will aid in your healing.  Take care! 

[notrightinthehead]

I have found that I can replace the negative messages in my head only, if I give opposing positive messages regularly, frequently. I consider that balancing my mind out.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, BC.  Thanks for sharing where you're at in your life.  Building a good relationship with a therapist has been invaluable in helping me learn how to get healthier in all areas of my life.

When I was young, I took terrible care of my body ... not taking time to get enough sleep, not eating during my workday, or only eating something quick and unhealthy.  I seemed to be able to get away with it at the time, though it set me up for later health problems. 

But what I really didn't get was how it affected every other area of my life like my moods, my resilience level, my stress level, and hence all relationships.  I've come to see that for me I can have no balance in any area of my life until I take care of my physical needs.  I don't do it perfectly, but I don't let it get very out of whack, either.  It's like having a decent foundation for everything else to stand on.

There's a lot to balance in life.  I think doing a birds eye look at it from time to time, like you're doing, can be very useful!

[mustard_seed]

Hi Befuddled Clarity  - thank you for your share.
I resonated with so much of what you wrote. I'm also trying hard to create a wholesome, healthy life.

On the career thing... I understand wanting to have a career and not just a job. I've been in a career transition for years now (long story). I can get hard on myself about it... but the reality is, I've been working hard for stability, and part of that has meant having just a "job" instead of a true vocation. Now that I'm achieving more stability (I got married and DH and I bought a house last year), I'm slowly-but-surely gaining momentum on the new career.

It's awesome that your bosses are treating you well... that you are allowed the space to learn. I would say those are "green flag" traits in people... that they allow us the grace and space to be humans.

On eating at work... could you take a smoothie in a thermos, and eat it on the go? I usually whip up a smoothie for breakfast, and fill it with lots of nutrients. Bananas for carbs, hemp protein, coconut milk for good fats, and other goodies for flavor. Just a thought! It makes sense you don't want to be at work longer than you have to, I just know for me fueling my body is an important part of self-care.

On friendships... I resonate with what you said about taking things slowly. I pushed too hard earlier this year and got entangled with yet another "friend" who violated my boundaries and trust. I learned a lot from it, namely, that it doesn't matter how far away I get from the PDs in my life, if I keep showing up with the same unhealthy relationship patterns, I'll get more of the same treatment, connect with the same types of people, etc. I'm re-reading "Boundaries" which has a lot of good information about healthy relationships. I'm also eye-balling "Safe People," a book by the same authors. I read a sample of it and they list healthy behaviors.  One that stood out was being able to take constructive criticism and apologize. Basically, if people seem able to take ownership of their own behaviors and how they affect others, that's a green flag.

I'm also going to take it slow on friendship/community for now, having stepped back from the friend who was not treating me well. (Also, one of her red flags was substance abuse which I ignored because I thought I needed to try to connect with others and not be so judgmental). Now, It's a bit lonely, but I think I need to take it slow, rather than rushing in, getting hurt, and withdrawing back into my shell. My plan is to pursue therapy, try out some support groups (that are finally meeting in person again), and check out one other activity, like a group fitness class or an art class.

It sounds like you are focused and committed to recovery in all aspects of your life... lots of awareness and self-trust. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope things continue to move in a positive direction for you!! & Thank you for the invitation to share life updates.

[BefuddledClarity]

Hi Amadahy,

I had therapy today, and mentioned my family history VERY briefly. To be honest... My therapist talks more than I do... Today's topic was about my relationship with PDex/PDbaby daddy. So, therapist was giving me advice and kept giving examples throughout the whole session... I didn't really get to talk much hah...I had to interrupt a few times, I didn't want him thinking I have ANY feelings for ex[I do NOT].

My PDex is trying to get back into a relationship with me, and I don't want to.. especially after he's been violent with me in the past and nearly killed me by strangling me. I do NOT trust that he is a "changed man", as he has put it. He was also financially & verbally abusive.
He was my "first everything" too...My first everything was dishonest, rude, irresponsible, and toxic...but my "first everything" doesn't mean a thing to me anymore. All I care about is my last everything. Someone who'll be loyal, courteous, responsible, and well...non-toxic...

I'm taking a step back from pretty much all of my relationships[platonic, romantic, & familial] right now. The one relationship I care about strengthening, is the one with my son. That's it.

Hello notrightinthehead,
That sounds like a good idea!
I was thinking of journaling some good thoughts that I can always go back and read whenever the negative voices in my head become unbearable.

Hi Looking 2 B Free,
I'm going to take your advice and try to eat more. It's probably better to take breaks and be late, rather than to starve myself and feel terrible ...

To be honest, I feel like a failure at this job, and have been trying EVERYTHING I can to get better, but I keep disappointing myself. Everytime I think I'm doing good, I'm really not and make slight mistakes. For example, I'm a delivery driver...we have cameras in the van. I stop at EVERY stop sign, but the camera makes it to where I need to stop right behind it, or it deducts points off. So even though I can't see traffic, I have to stop just a few feet behind... Then roll up. Yesterday was frustrating at work.

My first work phone died, and the USB cable along with portable battery were not charging the phone. Then the company ran a person to my route and gifted me a second work phone, the touch screen was wigging out bad. So, they said they'll send someome out again. Instead of waiting on them to send me a third phone, I drove back to the work station and asked for one and checked it out thoroughly. I didn't get off until super late, and they wanted me to hurry up. I felt defeated that day and quite honestly, sad...

I don't really like the job anymore, but I don't have a choice right now, because the courts don't like me job hopping.

I plan on going back to school either in fall or Spring. Spring would be better, so it gives me more time...

Hello mustard_seed,

First congrats on the marriage and new house!! That's always exciting news.
I hope to get to your stage in life some day! I'm taking baby steps for the time being.

Indeed, the job does help provide stability for now. I guess... I feel like...with the jobs I have had, that I'm not achieving my goals or being helpful to society enough? I've worked in mortgage loans, hardware store, tech for cars, scheduler in a hospital, etc. But...those jobs didn't really bring me joy[also, those were call centers/retail each time for said fields...] I ultimately want to work at a non-profit or start my own business... I feel useless most days....I'm currently a delivery driver, and while I love travelling, I still feel trapped...

I've been drinking plant-based protein drinks, I stopped drinking dairy, my son's lactose and the hormones in dairy sometimes makes me break out. It fills me up nice though, but not sure if I'm suppose to use it as a meal substitute or not? The smoothie idea sounds great! I'm going to have to try it.

I'm going to have to find some similar books. To be honest, I can be such a doormat or "people pleaser", that I lose myself. I forgot who I was... But now I have time to heal, and it's good to hear you have also been able to set healthy boundaries. As cheesy as this sounds, the only reason I don't feel completely alone, is because I have my son. He is the light in my life, and I love him dearly. I want to be a better person, not only for myself, but for him and model an example...


Another Slight Update

I am hoping to get a car soon! My older brother's friend is selling one for very, VERY cheap since his friend wants a brand new car, and I'll be able to purchase it this weekend! So, now I'll have a car again! Yay!

I also got paid recently...and put in about 20% of my paycheck into my savings. I have to slowly build it back up after I lost everything. I don't think my job offers a "401k", so I plan on using an IRA for now until I hear from them. Maybe I'll cut that 20% in half, and put 10% into the IRA and leave 10% into savings?

I'm trying to be frugal with my paycheck, but also using it for me...for once... I never spend on myself. I feel scared doing so, as though I am wasting my money on something frivolous. I haven't gotten a haircut in 3+ years and badly need one for my curly hair...I also have only 3 pairs of worn out shoes, one of them is completely obliterated and unwearable, the other is getting there, and the last one is really too fancy to wear for everyday[high heeled sandals]... I'm kind of scared to buy shoes, but I really need to...also, about 98% of my clothes don't fit. Lost too much weight and I hardly have clothes to begin with...

I used to feel selfish anytime I spent money on me, and I don't know how to fix the mentality, even though I badly need certain things. I don't know what's wrong with me... My PDfather used to be a penny pincher and called it "vain" to try and look decent...so there's that...

Thank you all for reading!
I appreciate hearing your input and learning about your stories as well.

[mustard_seed]

Hey again BefuddledClarity,

Just wanted to say you're awesome for working so hard on your recovery and moving forward in your life. It's not easy trying to pick up the pieces after abuse and dysfunction, but you're doing it.

I used to work a manual labor job, which wasn't fulfilling or enjoyable at all. It was hard to find meaning in the day to day. It sounds like your son is your reason for working--which is beautiful. I hope you're able to find work you enjoy and feel fulfilled by as time goes on.

I also had a time when I struggled to buy clothes. I got really into thrift shopping, which was the only way to have a functional wardrobe at the time. I really like ThredUp, an online thrift store for that. They even have "gently used" or "new with tags" shoes--something that's hard to find in actual brick-and-mortar stores.

One day at a time... and thank you again for being bravely vulnerable.
<3 MustardSeed

[notrightinthehead]

Hey Befuddledclarity, if your therapist talks more than you do, you might want to look for another one. You deserve to be listened to and talk to someone who tries to understand you first before he tries to advise. Therapists are also human and this human might not be the best fit for you.  If you find him helpful for now, always know that you can change any time he stops being helpful.