She's selfish but it's all my fault...

[Iris1022]

Sometimes I feel like dealing with my narcissist mother is like walking through a house of mirrors. Everything is topsy turvy and nothing makes sense. I'm sure many of you will understand what I'm going through so here it goes...

I live 2,000 miles away from my narcissistic (possibly uBPD) mother and it has always been one of her magic buttons to push. I abandoned her, I'm a bad daughter, I'm selfish and ungrateful for all that she sacrificed for me growing up, she put her life on the back burner for me and I turned my back on her, etc. etc. etc. She has never respected my boundaries and my right to be an independent adult, living in peace. She never reaches out or calls me (but plays the pity card when I don't call her regularly), and she damn sure never visits me (but expects me to fly cross-country with my young daughter to visit her). It's an unbalanced relationship at its finest but I've learned to deal with her BS via LC and boundaries.

Well lately she has me stirred up again. I've recently become pregnant but the pregnancy is high risk so I am trying to limit drama, stress, etc. She still makes zero effort to reach out and she has no plans to come and visit at any point, even when the baby is born. Fine - I don't expect anything from her. Here's the kicker...she still expects me to cater to her. She also plays the "woe is me" card by talking about how she's missing out on the pregancy/baby yet she makes zero effort to call or visit. You see, it's my fault that she feels left out of my pregnancy because 16 years ago, I chose to start a life in another state and abandon her. Wait, it gets better. She's super bitter that my in laws get to spend time with me, my daughter, and husband routinely and she loves nothing more than talking crap about them. She calls them stupid and crazy, makes racist comments about them, you name it. Her jealousy is palpable. (Note: my in laws also lived out of state until recently but they made the effort to move closer to us so that they could proactively set up more of a support network for themselves as they began to get older which is what mature parents do...) My in laws are appalled at her behavior and lack of effort. I try to explain it to them but it understandably hard for them to grasp.

I plan to manage all of this by continuing with my low contact approach but damn, her antics get under my skin. It never ceases to amaze me how she can behave like such a jerk but then blame it all on me. I can only imagine what she tells her friends about me. At least now I'm Out of the FOG and can understand this rather than internalizing it all...

So that's my vent - thanks for reading if you got this far!

[Cat of the Canals]

First of all, CONGRATS! 🎈🎈🎈

Second, this all sounds very familiar. I live almost the same distance from my NPD/BPD mother, and even when I lived closer, it was always me visiting her, and then hearing how I didn't visit enough, she never gets to see me, etc. It was often the first thing out of her mouth after I drove 2 hours to see her: I never get to see you. (Said in a whiny/pouty voice.) I wanted to scream, "I'M STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU."

One time she said, "Even if I got to see you every day, it wouldn't be enough." And I thought: AHA! There it is. The reason I've always felt like no matter what I do, it's never enough. The funny thing is, she thought she was saying something sweet. 

At this point, I'm kind of glad for the times she makes no effort. She can be wildly overbearing, so it's just easier when she leaves me alone. Which is a pretty sad way to feel, but there it is.

[Iris1022]

Very true Cat of the Canals! It is easier to deal with them when they are not being overbearing.

And yes, our neglect of them is endless. No matter how much we give, it is never enough.

[Liketheducks]

Sounds like your mom and my mom could be besties.    The thing that is so difficult about coming Out of the FOG....is that this is usually the person or people who installed the "not enough" gene over the course of your upbringing.   You are definitely enough.   And your little one is lucky to have such a self aware mom working on herself and recovering from an abusive upbringing.   Kudos to you.

[NarcKiddo]

Congratulations! I hope the pregnancy goes smoothly, and the birth, too.

I find it astonishing just how much they know how to push our buttons, even when we are aware of what they are like and actively try to protect ourselves. I've recently come across the "observe, don't absorb" technique and I am finding it quite helpful in keeping me calm when she presses the buttons. There's plenty of stuff online if you are not aware of it and I'd suggest giving it a try. Essentially you look out for the behaviour before it arises so in your head you can say "oh, here goes. She is saying x. I knew it. And any moment now she will follow it up with y. Wait for it....yup! There we go." And once you are occupied looking out for it you become less triggered by it because it cannot get you unawares.