stepping back and seeing the whole story

[losingmyself]

This morning, I was, am, feeling down, as happens sometimes.
I started working through my situation through an analogy. I won't go through the whole thing, but it involves me flying an airplane, knowing that something is wrong, then crashing and running away. Or standing, not helping, staring in shock.
Then the thought came.... my H was in the co pilot seat, telling me that nothing was wrong with the airplane, teasing me for being concerned. I believed him, because I had come to believe that I had no other choice.
Then when we crashed, he ran around and became the HERO while I stood in shock and said and did nothing. And he looked at me, when no one else could see, and said "Look what you've done" with a wink and a smirk...

I was duped.
He CAUSED the crash, so he could be the hero. And who is going to believe anything bad about this great man, who ran to the people he ultimately hurt, and tried to help them?? A bad person, that's who.
I don't know. Sometimes it helps me to step back and look, as if in a movie

[escapingman]

I can't tell you how many things have broken in our house, way more than what should be normal and I have always had a suspicion in the back of my mind someone has been sabotaging them. Every time, it becomes the main priority and everyone has to help with the disaster, and then thank uNPDx for finally sorting it. I never got any evidence she did damage any of the items, but it was all too convenient and always when there either was calm in the house or focus was on something that was mine. When I stopped running to her to help fix these disasters they became less and less frequent.

As we have said before, they all operate using the same script.

[Prototypian]

Hmmm.   Two things come to mind:

1) I'm the kind of person who almost never has time to fix the "plane" or explain what is going wrong with it.   So when it starts to vibrate or show error messages I try my best to ignore it even though i shouldn't.   In that way I'm behaving like your spouse.   So I do get it when my spouse says 'i think the air conditioner is acting up" and it's 10 at night and to be honest I just wish it would get through the night without having to try and diagnose the problem.  But I think it's different than deliberate sabotage or discrediting someone for saying something is wrong.  "Honey, I think there is a big problem" is different than "do you think that patch of dead grass in the lawn looks a little bigger today".   So a person should learn to respect the concerns of their spouse.

2) I think that creating a screw up deliberately or letting it fall apart to gaslight or be a hero and hurt a spouse.   Like a spouse says "I think this thing could be a problem" and you gaslight them, make them feel like an idiot for bringing it up.   Then you let the wheels fall off the car then you admonish them for their poor planning and fix the problem after.   That's all really bad.

[Poison Ivy]

One analogy for my then-husband was that if I were drowning, he wouldn't try to save me but he would wring his hands while I was struggling and then cry profusely when I died.

Another, for the marriage, was that we were together in a small boat that was taking on water, and while I was frantically trying to bail out the water, he was poking holes in the bottom of the boat.

[losingmyself]

I guess the point that I was trying to get at with my analogy is that the game was rigged all along.
He treated us like crap, bullied my kids, yelled, and ruined every happy occasion that came up. I tried and tried to tell him how his behavior hurt us, but, you know how those conversations went, round and round.
Then, when the 'plane crashed', my DD ended up in 72 hr hold in the hospital, and then my kids left me, he did all sorts of things to act like he cared. He didn't. I know because he told me. And I just stood there, like a deer in the headlights.
I have been, and still do blame myself relentlessly, unforgivingly.
I'm trying to heal. It's really hard to try to like a person whom you've hated so deeply for so long, but I'm trying. I have to live with me, so I probably should try to like me.
So, I'm trying to figure out what went wrong. I have had trauma that I've never dealt with, or told anyone about.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry for taking this thread off course.

I've been divorced for six years. I was married for 31 years. I saw danger signs before we got married and yet, I proceeded. We probably wouldn't have gotten married if I hadn't pushed the issue.

Sometimes I really don't like myself, but I'm getting better at accepting that I was doing the best I could with the information I had and the person I was at the time. I'm older and wiser now. I don't dislike my young and dumb self.

[losingmyself]

Thanks, PoisonIvy. I didn't think you took it off course at all.
That's what I try to tell myself. That I didn't know. I didn't understand that there was no way that things were going to get better. He was and is always going to be poking holes in the boat while I bail and bail.

[Prototypian]

Big pictures are so important.   Today my ocpdw came into the little cottage I've been renovating for over a year and nailed one problem after another.  It was like a criticism hurricane sharknado

[notrightinthehead]

Losingmyself,  your scene sounds to me like someone frozen in shock, denial and shame. In other words, traumatized. I can imagine the dislike for yourself you might have felt for a long time. It might have been the resentment for allowing yourself to be treated badly. I would like to reach out to that former you and tell her, she did the best she could given the circumstances.
Are you out now? Are you working on getting stronger?

[losingmyself]

Thanks, Notright and jsinjin. I am trying to look at the big picture, and as you said, Notright, I'm trying to get myself to understand that I did the best I could. But I froze. And my kids suffered. I think about all the things that they wanted to do, but no way would H have supported it, and I was afraid to ask. DD wanted to be in band, and track. DS wanted to play tennis. I can't tell you how much I tell myself that it would have been so easy back then to tell him to just get the F out. But I didn't. I was happy that they were in the things they were already in, but H tried to take all the joy out of those things, as well.
I am still in, learning to feel better about myself, working on having even an ounce of self-esteem. It's such a slow process for me.
I am trying to have the attitude that, I don't care what H thinks about me, I have no control over that. Haters gonna hate. But what matters is what I think of myself, and do I think I want to stay in a relationship where I am not valued.
I am getting stronger. This person would never have let him stay. Now, he's been better because the kids are adults. Better is not always good, there's not much good about our relationship. But there's bills and property, and WAY too much stuff. And I still have to work through my demons. that's between me, and me.
Thanks for all your support. I wouldn't be where I am without this site.
A criticism hurricane sharknado! love it

[blunk]

It was like a criticism hurricane sharknado

Oh my goodness I laughed too hard at this...but only because I have been there and felt just the same. I'm sad to say that I know what this feels like.