what do I say?

[losingmyself]

I just need some quick responses to 'apologies' that I have been getting lately.
So, in a new twist, H has been saying this to me; "I'm sorry I snapped at you this morning (last night, whenever) I shouldn't have done that" This might come with an explanation, or not. Excuse probably is a better word for it.
This sounds like it's a good turn from the NEVER apologizing for ANYTHING, EVER. But it seems forced, fake. Also, it doesn't stop the behavior. He'll just do it again. Maybe he'll say he's sorry, maybe not.
I just don't know how to respond. The first thing I want to say is "BULLSHIT!!"  I'm not going to say my standard "That's ok" because it's not.
I guess I could say "Thanks"??
Any advice?

[pianissimo]

What do you feel like saying?

Edit: I'm realizing this post might not be helpful or supportive as it is. Perhaps "Thanks, but that's not enough for me at this point."

[justducky]

Hmm. That's tricky.

You could accept his apology assuming--but not betting on--it's in good faith. Then observe his behavior going forward. If he does the same thing that he'd "apologized" for again, he didn't mean it.

IMO there's not much point in calling him out on fake apologies. He sounds quite manipulative. It's just more bait to draw you into an argument.

[square]

I had to check to see if this wasn't an old post of mine that got bumped.

I hate saying "it's ok" but that's what I do in a detached MC tone.

I used to assume an apology meant something, now I know it doesn't. The behavior will continue. In my H's case, dunno about yours, he does seem to regret it because he is so driven by emotion. When he's triggered, he lashes out. When he calms down, he feels different. Nothing will change.

I MC it because anything less will trigger the PD. At least I don't give anything more and he doesn't ask for anything more.

MCing an apology doesn't mean I accept the behaviors and doesn't mean I can't decide to end the relationship. All it means is that I say my part of the ritual rather than triggering the PD. If he didn't apologize I'd MC him anyway, so no difference.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm trying to think of the most Gray Rock response, and the best I can come up with at the moment is just, "OK." As in, "I have heard what you said" but without expressing gratitude (thank you) or offering forgiveness (it's OK).

Or maybe an MC "I appreciate that." To him it sounds like "thank you" but internally, I'd be thinking to myself that what I really appreciate is my own recognition of how phony baloney the apology is in the first place. 

[losingmyself]

Great answers! Thank you!
I think I could use all of the above, in rotation. I like "I appreciate that" because, sincerely, at that moment, I do appreciate it. He actually recognized that one time that he said or acted badly. I don't have any expectations that it'll change anything, but for that one minute, the apology kind of feels validating. I DO deserve an apology, and I'll take this one, thank you. Even if it's phony.  baloney.
I like what you said, square "All it means is that I say my part of the ritual rather than triggering the PD"

[losingmyself]

Square, I think also that H does seem to regret his poor behavior for the second it takes to acknowledge it. It sometimes feels like he feels bad about it, but that feeling goes away right away. And he doesn't understand that apologizing doesn't give you a free pass to do it again. Or, he's just a good actor.  No "I'll change",  Just "Sorry about that"  Of course, there's always an excuse for the poor behavior that justifies it or blames someone or something else.

[notrightinthehead]

An apology, even a fake one, is a beginning. It seems that something has shifted. Maybe you have gotten stronger. I would also grey rock completely with a dull 'ok', followed by an even duller 'Don't do it again'.  And please don't get your hopes up. For someone to have really changed the change in behaviour needs to be consistent for at least a year.

[losingmyself]

Thanks, Notright.
It is a change. Apologizing, no matter how fake, is a new thing for him. I feel like he wants to be on top. He has to be the better person, and apparently better people cop to it when they say bad things.
Notice I said 'say bad things', and not ' hurt the person you're supposed to love' I don't think he gets that his words hurt. That would be the empathy he's missing.
I don't ever think he's changing, anything more than strategies. I think he can feel that I'm getting stronger.
I don't have any hopes for us. I think the trauma that I've experienced with him-because of him  has permanently erased any love I have for him. I think that if he changed for ten years I couldn't love him.
I do feel better, I'm working on it!

[losingmyself]

It is because I see WHO HE IS. By his normal everyday actions and words. Not what he does. He is this person who I don't want to love. If I had known this at the outset, I wouldn't have gotten involved with him.
I have explored my feelings, sat with it, tried to look at him with the love that I used to feel. Tried to see if I could find it again. And it just isn't there. I can't get it back.
I'm not that foolish person anymore.