How to really decide what to do...

[Prototypian]

I've been in therapy for a long time.   In and out of medication and help.   Been with a spouse who has never changed any behaviors and if anything is getting worse.   My work, health, sanity and joy suffer.   Every tiny time there is a blip where I get to behave like a husband but then things slam back into me.   Sometimes I get so angry and down I want to disappear.   

I don't want to be the person who leaves a marriage.   I know technically I'm not in one and haven't been for many many years.   We are on another marathon 28 days of missing spouse with her going from political meeting to rally to supporter event.   

I'm close to having a home complete for me.   It is tiny but more than enough for me.  I have no financial problems: good job, houses paid off, college saved for.  Lately I don't even get the chance to complete any work.   I'm going on day 28 of her refusing to let me make a meal menu or cook while she is sure she will be here and will be angry if I do anything but out of FOMO she won't be home until 9-10 at night.   If I make dinner she will be angry. 

The cycle just keeps going.   I'm exhausted.  I never imagined being around someone who was so angry with me all the time.   I hate walking on eggshells and I hate feeling like I wish things were better.

I don't want to be that person who left his spouse but I can't continue to live like this.

[Poison Ivy]

The following might seem to be an oversimplification, but I suggest you try it anyway. Think about your life 5 or 10 years from now. How do you think you'll feel if you're still married and your wife's behavior hasn't changed for the better? I think it's reasonable to assume that her behavior won't have gotten better because, as you've indicated, it is actually getting worse. Do you want to be a person who spent another 5 or 10 years miserable?

[hhaw]

When the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving....
we go.

[square]

Is a soft seperstion any better of an option? Meaning you move to the house but don't change anything legally at this point. Is there room for your son if he wants to spend time, spend the night, move in without explicitly choosing to move in?

Just a thought.

[notrightinthehead]

Jsin that sounds like trauma bond speaking. Think of it like an addiction. If you were suffering with alcoholism, you would know that alcohol is bad for you. You would know that you should stop drinking. Yet you would not want to or feel unable to do so. At the same time you would know that continuing to drink will kill you. You can choose to continue or face the fear and change.

[Boat Babe]

Try this:. Your best friend or your brother is in the exact same situation that you are in. He comes to you for advice.  What is the first thing you advise him to do?

There's your answer.

Then you'll say "but".

There's your obstacle. This is where you focus your attention. This is where your healing starts.

[1footouttadefog]

If you fear her reaction to you taking care of yourself by cook it ng dinner then you likely fear her reaction to you leaving the marriage. 

Amazingly for many here the the pd partners  outbursts will be similar for both.  kinda gives insight to the value they have for the years we gave them.

If this is the case for you d ok nt waste any more of your life avoiding an outburst.  Do what is best and salvage what is left of life.

[square]

Just want to point out what you already know, her being furious that you made dinner, or want to plan meals for nights she'll be late, is really extreme and becomes physical abuse of you and the kids, having to deal with the effects of low blood sugar, tiredness, low evening productivity, and the risk of maladaptive eating (binging after being hungry, binging in case the next meal is greatly delayed, sneaking food, reliance on poor quality snacks that can be snuck).

[Prototypian]

Thanks Square!

That's not really a problem in the short or long run (eating).  All three kids are highly elite distance runners, one already running in college, one a senior with full college recruiting package for his running this fall (he graduated the most decorated high school runner in the history of our state and barely missed his attempt at the sub 4 mile two weeks ago at US nationals) and the younger one is very similar.  They don't eat any sugar except the very rare reward and their calories are in the order of 7-10k per day.   We have to buy sommuch food from Costco and Sam's (warehouse clubs in the US) that we have cases of nuts, dried fruit, real fruit, salad materials and 50 lb sacks of rice and pasta.   They're very capable of making quick meals out of what we have.  The stress is the horror and anger with anyone making food.   It doesn't stop them.  I just hate it because of the criticism and attitude.  But no, my kids are at a point that the two younger ones prep tiny meals next to their beds to wake up at 4 and eat quickly with an alarm so that they can go back to sleep and have the food digested by 630 am practice.

There are definitely effects in our mental and emotional health but these three are so wired for food that's healthy that they pack school lunches that look like full sized backpacks.

I'm bragging but it's true and there is fortunately no problem with eating disorders among any of us.    My spouse despite her flaws weighs less than 100 lbs and has a metabolism to match and that passed onto the kids.   The problem is the rest of the emotional and OCPD crap that goes on.

[JustKeepTrying]

jsinjin,

I think you know your answer and it is so hard to do it though.  I have found you to be a kind and gentle person here in our community.  You approach each post with great care and deliberation.  It shows.  I can only imagine that is what you are doing now at this new phase of life. 

If you are worried, a soft separation is a good option for you.  Ease into it.  Go to your new place and start living.  The peace and quiet may be what you need to heal and make other decisions.

I dithered for more than a decade.  It is a hard decision.  Take your time and make sure it's right for you.

[SonofThunder]

When the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving....
we go.

Imo, your small second home is going to be a gem for you, if you reach the a point in time, when the 'outweighing' becomes the decision maker.  There is so much truth btw, in your last sentence:

"I don't want to be that person who left his spouse but I can't continue to live like this."

I believe FOA (fear of abandonment) is the foundational trait for a PD and even in the deepest discard, my spouse never left, imo because if FOA.  Imo, it will surely be the non who is the "person who left..." because FOA glues the PD in the marriage.  Sure, the PD may leave temporarily as punishment and may even cheat, but leaving for good?  That the non's job imo, so the PD can have their FOA cushioned by the victim role of the drama triangle, putting the non squarely in the persecutor position.  But, imo, as nons who are Out of the FOG, we should fully expect that reality. 

Again, as hhaw well said:  "When the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving....
we go."

SoT