Am I now all I will be?

[Associate of Daniel]

It's nearly 10 years since uNPD exH left.

I've not dated, let alone met any eligible men since. Nor have I really wanted to.

I've just needed solitude (apart from time with ds15) and quiet.

I've mostly been putting that down to healing and to it being a response to my day job of working with children all day, every day.

But lately I've come to worry that that is what I'm going to be wanting for the rest of my life. Even after my uNPDs are no longer a part of my life.  I'm worried that I'll become somewhat of a recluse.

I don't want to "should" myself, or guilt myself into forming a more active social life.  I find more and more that I crave the solitude and quiet, but that can't be good for me, can it?

Does anyone else feel like this?  Are they worried as well?

I think I feel the "shoulds" more when I live vicariously through other people.  My niece and nephew are doing amazing things representing our country in their various work and sporting ventures. Their parents are enjoying their semi retirement by galavanting all over the place on their various holidays, etc..  I have nothing.  Literally nothing to report of any interest to anyone.  I don't travel.  I don't socialise except with a few very close friends.  I don't do any hobbies with other people, except infrequent catchups with a flute playing friend.

I just work and go home and go to church on the weekends.

I don't particularly want to do anything else but feel I ought to.

I used to be so busy before I was married and I really enjoyed myself. Now I just don't have it in me. And I don't know that I ever will again.

AOD

[Prototypian]

I'm mature (in age not behavior) at over 50 and younger than 55.   Here is what my thoughts are on becoming and being as far as life goes and I am not a counselor, clergy member, life coach or philosopher:

There is no such thing as destiny as the Tolkien books or movies share it.   No one is pulled by an unseen force to greatness nor is there a failure in your life if you don't change the world and usher in a new phase of humanity.   This isn't a nihilistic view that you don't matter.   It's a view that you are not an underachiever if your choices aren't pursuing a path to some grand purpose of altruism and impact for the good of billions on earth.   You are whole and a person right where you are doing what you are doing.   This also isn't a cognitive reframing to somehow take minimizing views and make them more positive by sheer will.   You are simply not doing something wrong with your life if you are supporting yourself/family while contributing to parts of life around you.

As a mathematician, there is enormous proof in the world that human rates speed up and slow down.   Raltionships, work, success, joy, effort, finances, energy levels, health and all the things that make us human are in flux.   No force of will or self affirmation can overcome all the factors in the world that impact what you get joy from and have the energy to do.   Your efforts are what you have to give and your joy is what you need to have reason for effort.   A limit of our brains and perceptions is that we can only live in the exact moment we are in.   This confuses us on effort as we plan for the future or measure the past.   Your measure has to be what you are doing now against the things you have done in the past to bring joy to you and loved ones and try however you can to plan for that effort to maintain that sense of joy for you and loved ones in the future.   But it's not a specific goal.   It's a set of adjustments as life changes.

Basically, if your mind, body and soul are telling you right now that you have the energy for what you are doing in order to have joy for you and loved ones then that's ok and doesn't need to be compared to the past.   If you feel like you can give more and that will make you a bit more connected and joyous then plan for gradual changes but don't measure it against an old self who is no longer here.

[notrightinthehead]

Wow! What a great reply!
AOD, I also find it much easier to not socialize. I am happy on my own. However, I believe to grow and heal it is necessary to have social contact with other human beings. Only in contact with others the challenges arise that will allow us to experiment with new behaviours. Sometimes avoiding human contact can be the easy way out. Interaction with other humans is hard.  Sometimes I get a glimpse of how it feels when I feel connected. It is a great feeling. In summary, I have the shoulds and I comply.