Dealing with non PD family during the storm

[escapingman]

This is getting to me, you can see my back ground and where I am at in the divorcing section. I told my dad I had filed for divorce and that things were bad. He immediately booked travel to come to support me, that was a surprise but I thought this would be great. I have told him almost everything that uNPDx has done and where are at, that was exhausting, but he seemed to get it and also told that he had seen the abuse over the years and he was glad I was getting out. All good so far, but......

He keeps talking about it, I keep asking questions about uNPDx or her family. I just don't want to hear and keep being reminded. It could be the most harmless questions, such as something about her car. But I am not interested, I am trying to be as short as possible and show I don't want to talk about it. But, he keeps doing it and it drags me back in a bad mood as then my thoughts are back on her again. My dad has always struggled to respect my boundaries, I am not sure why, he is not malicious, but he just doesn't seem to get when he oversteps. Now today I managed to finally talk to social services and have arranged for them to come to see me today, I told him I have someone coming this afternoon and I need him out of the house (suggesting the pub round the corner for an hour or two would be a great place for him). Instead of just agreeing to leave he started question why and who is coming, I really didn't want to get into details as already getting anxious about it and having the house to clear up whilst doing work and the rest. But he still sits there, in the middle of the kitchen watching me running round trying to sort out everything and keep asking me if is it something sensitive. In the end I just snapped and told him I don't want to talk about it, as he should have seen when the subject was breached at the first time. But he isn't even done there, he then comes to me and says he is there for me to talk whenever I want to talk, which is great, but I feel it's him kind of sulking because I didn't want to talk about it.

I really didn't need him to come and for me to "baby sit" him during all this, I really thought he could manage himself but he just can't. Normally it's not to much of an issue, but right now I have no extra energy for this. I am not really sure where I am going with this but I probably just needed to vent a bit. I just want him to be able to stay out of my way without making me feel guilty for it.

[BefuddledClarity]

Hi escapingman,

I would recommend having a sit-down with your father. Tell him you are not interested in having a conversation or answering questions about your PDex, as it is tiring/frustrating/annoying to hear about. If he continues to ignore your boundaries, I would remind him that you already told him prior how you felt about topic and walk away.

If he keeps asking unnecessary questions "Why do I have to leave? Who's coming?" Just tell him it's your business and you're not interested in sharing details and to please drop it.

To he honest...My PDparents like to ask A LOT of questions that I'm a touch TOO aggressive with my answers. I'm more likely to say "It's none of your business, so stick your nose out of it" or "Don't talk to me like that, I'm an adult not a child." and such.

I just got fed up with my PDparents, that I don't care what they think. They ignore and trample my boundaries when I play nice, so I'm not nice to them at all anymore if they p*ss me off.

Though, I've been NC with PDfather for about 2+ yrs and on-and-off NC with PDmother...only because my oldest brother lives with her. I have no desire to keep in contact with either of my parents and have been doing fine without them.

Anyhow... I don't know your relationship with your father...so I recommended the politer route of asserting your boundaries without being overly aggressive like I am haha.

[escapingman]

Thanks, I think I managed ok in the end. But it's much down to me to be mire vulnerable and share. I feel better now having talked alit about what's going on, but at my pace. It's quite validating to she the horror in his face when telling him some stories that I almost took as normal.

I think the more I can tell and talk about it the better I feel and get further out the fog.

[Stillirise]

EM,
I understand where you're coming from. It's possible to hold 2 conflicting ideas at once. On one hand, you can be grateful for the love and support of your friends and family.  On the other, you want to accept that support on your own terms and at your own pace. There's nothing at all wrong with that right now.

I can also relate to the retelling and realizing just how bad things were.  I'm to the point now where I have basically talked it all out, and prefer not to revisit the worst memories.  That might change in the future.  However, I do remember those moments when I would tell something that didn't seem that bad at the time, and see the look of shock on a loved one's face. So, keep talking away when you feel like it, and when you don't, don't.  You're doing such important work for yourself and your girls right now, even if GC doesn't realize it yet.  Keep your eyes on the prize!