Flying Monkeys from Beyond the Grave

[SeaBreeze]

Sounds like a grade-B horror movie title, eh?

My late uNPDm died 7 years ago. In life, she had trouble maintaining friendships and burned a lot of bridges. However, 2 people remained loyal to her: her best friend since middle school, and one of her 1st cousins. My mother talked HORRIBLY about these ladies behind their backs my entire life. Heck, she could be horrible to their face! And yet their friendships stayed intact.

When M died, my brother and I politely abided all the well-meant sympathy from numerous and unexpected folks. My brother even expressed surprise to hear that people had such fond memories of her, since she did not always mask her PD very well.

Well, 7 years later, her bff and her cousin are still expressing their grief and sympathy via social media and private messages. They remind my brother and I every year of M's birthday and death date. Oh how they still miss her, and surely we must, too??  Any posts he or I share about our kids, accomplishments, etc, these 2 ladies remind us how proud M would be and such a shame she's not here to see it!! We don't have the heart to tell them how M would probably NOT be proud (other than bragging about us or the grands to make herself look good). I'm pretty sure our cousin is also PD, while the bff seems co-dependant, but I'd still never tell them the crap my mother said about them behind their backs. And I haven't blocked them, but I do medium chill, "yes ma'am", and move on. (Southern respect of our elders prevails...bless their hearts...)

Maybe one day these flying monkeys from beyond the grave will move on, too....

[SunnyMeadow]

Yes, that's a catchy title! This would be hard to take. I can't image continuing to remind someone of a death, 7 years later.

My mom talked about everyone behind their backs too. Sweet as pie to their faces though. I used to think about telling these people what she said about them. But she usually botched up the relationship in some way so I didn't have to.

I might private message them after one of their posts of how proud your mother would be. Something like, she wasn't proud when she was alive and barely put effort into the grandmother/grandchild relationship so her being So Proud is unlikely! That might put a stop to the messages or block them lol. Them moving on too seems the easiest way though.  Bye ladies!

[moglow]

I might private message them after one of their posts of how proud your mother would be. Something like, she wasn't proud when she was alive and barely put effort into the grandmother/grandchild relationship so her being So Proud is unlikely!

Actually ... yes. The guilt trips from beyond would grate on me and stir things better left alone. Why not tell them that you appreciate their loss and the apparent void she left in their lives but yours is different. Tell them the reminders of her aren't necessary, and certainly run contrary to what she'd expressed to you while she was living. Don't leave it open for debate or discussion, but suggest they keep future comments between them.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Leveling with them could work, but could also backfire. If they haven't let up after seven years...  You can't control their behavior, and I think it quite likely you'd just invite more guilt trips.

I think those that expressed kind sentiments soon after the death are just trying to be kind. It's our culture to speak well of the dead. They may not have thought about her much but mustered up a good memory to share with the bereaved. Those two still on about her seem over the top, even if your mom had been a saint. Not everything in your life is an occasion to recall mother for Pete's sake. That's just plain weird and evidently they don't see that.

If your interactions with them are purely social media, perhaps simply rock those privacy settings. No explanations necessary.

[SeaBreeze]

Thank you, everyone! I appreciate the confirmation that 7 years is time for these ladies to move on, and not just my heartless imagination. My Facebook page is already somewhat locked down in Ninja stealth mode, but I will lock it down a little more. 

[Andeza]

Oh the perpetual mourners... I'm from the South, so I get this. The sweet, kind, probably "deeply religious" church-going lady that just puts her hand over her heart and sighs and says niceties about somebody that's been dead for decades! I didn't know they employed social media for this unnecessary drama, but I'm not surprised. Bigger audience, more supply.

I'm just going to go ahead and coin "Perpetual Mourner" as a new term. I don't know how extensive blocking permissions are these days, I don't use social media anymore, but definitely these two need to be on an info diet. I don't know how effective speaking to them about it would be. The "Perpetual Mourner" also tends to be easily offended and taken aback by straightforward statements.

[sunshine702]

Perpetual mourner - very well put. Attention grief.    Yes I might answer with a polite thank you but change the conversation to the new you NOW.

Something like a Thank You.  Yes It's been 7 years since XYZ passed.  Boy is my life filled these days - so different.   I just did ZYX new thing!  Can you believe it .  Sort of hint that you are thriving now that she is gone

[NarcKiddo]

I would hate that. Given I expect the loss when it comes to be far more of a relief than a loss I would absolutely not want perpetual reminders of all those grim decades.

Block and ignore as much as is feasible.