Here’s how it went down

[Seven]

Sis2 was noticeably cold toward the rest of the sisters. Pretty sure her new BFF is SIL3 (for now anyway). Most everyone except for myself and Sis/BIL1 stayed with her.  She did acknowledge my DH but that's about it.  Bro3 was pretty cold to us too.  Who knows what Sis2 told him over the last month.  Or it could be he was genuinely mourning. IDK.  He's like my dad.  He doesn't really show emotion.

Service was at the funeral home.  No flowers, no pictures on the altar.  Nada.  I mean you'd think that they (the sibs in charge) would do a small something just so it didn't look plain, but hey....not in my control.

One of my former classmates from my hometown lives in the area and she came to the services.  Large family there too and so some of my sibs knew her sibs etc.  this was a very huge gesture and one that I greatly appreciated.

The priest was 50/50 on his homily (?....I mean is it a homily?  Talking about someone you've never met? Wasn't quite a eulogy). Oh, this family is so close" (hahahahahahahaha) WTF kind of lines did my sibs feed this guy?  The same sentiment was echoed by BIL1.  And I'm like "BIL1, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that"  For 20 minutes an unknown priest stood there and talked about my mother whom he never met, just going off the cues he was given. 

Then at the luncheon SIL6 stood up and read something she had wished she was able to have read to uNPDm before she died.  The whole time she's reading I'm thinking to myself "woman, if you only knew what this lady said about you behind your back". Again, agreed with by Sis/BIL1

Everyone from out of town left The next day and if I had known I probably would have too.  Again poor communication.  But then I woke up the next day and felt like I was hit by a truck, so I'm glad we took the extra day to stay and just unwind and take in lunch on the beach. I had my moments for sure.  Mostly in the car going between places.  Mostly due to the breakdown of the family.  I explained it to S/BIL1 like mom was the glue that held the dysfunction together and now we've been hit by the eyes of Medusa, turned to stone, exploded and crumbled. Just totally disintegrated.  the family unit as a whole is gone. We are now free to go about our lives and never have to talk to each other if we don't want.  Really. Othing keft in common to talk about now that uNPDm is gone.

I also explained to Sis1 that for 48+ years of my life, all the holidays/birthdays revolved around the maternal household.  And while I've had the two years she's been in sunny state to adjust to making new traditions for my FOC, her death makes it "permanent". See, my sibs didn't have to deal with that for so many decades like I did.  They don't quite understand that my experiences growing up were different from theirs.

Most of my crying though hasn't been because uNPDm has died, but the outpouring of love from everyone, this forum included. My FB friends have been saying appropriate things, because like I said before, none of my friends or classmates even knew my mom except Maybe a tiny small handful. And those that know ME know how the relationship was and say appropriate things as well.

Bro6 and I are now in charge of holding a memorial here locally.  Luckily he and I are on the same page with most things. It will be done right.  I have to think of it as not another day to mourn her but just us hosting a party for her friends and our family that couldn't make the first trip.

It hasn't hit me yet that I'm an orphan now. 

Sorry this is all over the place.  Just so many feelings difficult to articulate.

[moglow]

Seven, I wish I had the words to help, to offer some comfort. I would imagine emotions will be all over the map for you for a while, trying to regain some balance. It really will be a new world in some ways, and it may be better than you ever imagined.

Mine has long assumed she's the glue that binds our family, still doesn't seem to grasp the damage she's done or have any remorse for same. She has no clue that after our few gatherings over the years, there's been a big sigh of relief and laughter returns after she leaves. Her home isnt the family home and never really was, our lives don't revolve around her.

We're all fairly close in age so there's not quite the distance some families might have, but she tried. I remember at Daddy's service some 26 yrs ago now, one brother saying quietly "it won't be like this at her funeral, us genuinely grieving the loss." Awful as it sounds, we all knew even then how true it was. We've recently talked about it again, with her mid 80s and all her family gone. Who will mourn or miss her? No easy answers.

I do know all of us have missed out on what should have been, the bonds and sense of true family we thought we should have. We've made do and gone on to build families of choice,  including the family here at Out of the FOG. What comes to mind is that you just keep getting out what you need when you need to, whether here with us or with your other safe people.

We're here with you, friend.

[Pepin]

I explained it to S/BIL1 like mom was the glue that held the dysfunction together and now we've been hit by the eyes of Medusa, turned to stone, exploded and crumbled. Just totally disintegrated.  the family unit as a whole is gone. We are now free to go about our lives and never have to talk to each other if we don't want. 

Seven - this to me is the crux of it all.  These PDs truly are the glue that holds the dysfunction together.  Everyone complying, caught in this complex web of damaging behavior - some see it and some don't because everyone is treated differently and pitted against each other.  It has always amazed me that ONE person can cause such destruction.

Self care is all I can suggest at this time.  Take care of you the way you needed to be cared for.    

[SunnyMeadow]

Most of my crying though hasn't been because uNPDm has died, but the outpouring of love from everyone, this forum included.

I had this very same thing Seven. I had shock when I heard my uNPD mother died but not tears. It was hard to believe and didn't feel real for a few minutes. I thought she'd outlive me. I felt almost guilty when people would show love and caring because she died. In my head I was saying....but it's ok for me, really ok!

I'd also have tears when I saw or heard others grieve or express emotion. I cried when my stepdad cried, just because I tend to cry when others cry. 

We are now free to go about our lives and never have to talk to each other if we don't want.  Really. Othing keft in common to talk about now that uNPDm is gone.

This is so true. You get to chose how you go forward with these relationships. Maybe you'll stop them now and circle back to them in time. But it's nice to make that choice without your mother in the center of it. It's a lot to process and you might feel all over the road for awhile but having the main cause of stress and drama gone is a real relief. I finally feel like my own person without constantly thinking of my mother. I feel like a grown up which is weird to say since I'm 56. My whole life was consumed by her and now it's not.