Not really a problem, but my brain is trying to make it one! Advice needed

[nanotech]

My UNPD dad had his 90th  birthday earlier in the year. He's now planning a huge celebration of it in September. At first I thought I wouldn't attend with my nsiblings. But my daughter is going with my grandkids.  So I thought I'd go for a couple of hours.
It's a a seven hour party, with dad and dads friends providing the 'entertainment' slap dollop in the middle of it. He's in a kind of a band. I've never seen them ( it's something he does with his  elderly golfing mates) but I have seen a video of them and they were seriously underwhelming, in fact- pretty awful. My dad kept forgetting the words even though they've all got word sheets in front of them!  They're not funny, they're just bad. Thrg di covers of old fashioned songs.  I think even the friends see the band just as a bit of  fun, but my UNPDdad takes it very seriously indeed.
We're expected to sit through this  for an hour at least. He's told me he's going to make sure the bar is closed for that time, as he 'doesn't want people coming and going ' while he's performing.  Cue nasty chuckle from dad. 
The performance will follow the stretched out buffet/ presents/ speeches / cake etc, so everyone will already have been sitting for at least 3 hours before it begins. 

There IS a two hour disco planned, but not till 5pm! (Party starts 12.30 )- over FOUR  hours after the food. Plus I've a feeling it will start later due to my dad loving all eyes on him while he sings, and not wanting it to end. I'm sensing a few  excruciating encores!

There's at least one very fawning FM who will totally encourage fuss and encores. My dad always takes her to his club performances and she's kind of made herself his wingwoman.

The disco - the best part -as  dad will have the least control,  is just  'tacked on' at the end, when people will likely need to drive home for food / work/ school purposes.

It's a two hour round trip for us. For non PD extended family it's at least a five hour round trip.
It's a Sunday, so my non PD extended family, who live a few hour's drive away, will probably have to leave before the dancing begins.
The best thing , would be to have the band play AFTER the disco,  when people ( and children!) will be happy to have  a little sit down before going home.
Sooooo I'm presently medium chilling - but it's difficult for me not to suggest he restructures it and have the dancing earlier.
Should I? Or am I being sucked in?
He's never been into music or singing btw.
Finding if so hard to stay medium chilled and feeling tempted to speak up.
It's also triggering bad memories of UNPD brother's wedding, where there were rules about not leaving your seat during the meal. This whole band performance is sounding so similar.

[justducky]

Ah, the NPD birthday party: narcissistic supply at its finest!

I suggest continuing to MC. There's pretty much no chance of him listening to your suggestions in good faith, so why bother?

I hope you're able to go, stay for as long as you'd like, and have at least a little fun.

[SunnyMeadow]

Pretty sure this is the longest birthday party I've ever heard of and for a 90 year old!  How are dad and friends going to stay awake? lol

I wouldn't bother getting involved in the party and timing. Let him and others plan it and you just go and enjoy it until you don't - then leave. If you get involved, then you're involved!  That means extra phone calls, him describing his thought process on timing and maybe visits before the big day. Sounds excruciating and just too much extra time spent with him. 

[nanotech]

Yes thank you. I can see that you are both right. Sometimes, still, I try to rationalise my intentions to intervene  as ' just common sense' when actually I'm beginning to be sucked back in to what will become, as you point out, a horribly tangled web!
I've no idea where my dad gets his energy from. He can talk and hold court for hours and hours. He doesn't often  get sleepy in the day, like many old people . If I ring in the daytime he's ALWAYS out and about! Yet- it WILL probably be too much for him. It's 7 hours!
A 2-3 hour event would be much better. He will more than likely force himself to keep going, and get grouchy and snappy.
Ah well- I'll be home by then hopefully!
His UNPDMum lived to 95. She had all her faculties right up until the day she died  suddenly, from heart failure. I think this is why my dad worries a lot about his heart. He's taken many unnecessary trips to A & E to get it checked!  Fingers crossed he won't develop health anxiety on the day. I don't think he will, because it's HIS party.
Thank you for your kind advice😊!

[Cat of the Canals]

Sometimes, still, I try to rationalise my intentions to intervene  as ' just common sense' when actually I'm beginning to be sucked back in to what will become, as you point out, a horribly tangled web!

I fall into this trap often myself... part of it is that we can't help but empathize with the guests -- the people who should be considered first and foremost. I mean, if you're having a party, surely the entire point is that it's enjoyable for the guests? The reason he won't take your suggestions is because in his mind, this is all about HIM. He doesn't care about anyone else's comfort and joy. I often refer to everyone in PDmom's (or PDmil's, for that matter) orbit as "her loyal subjects." Because that is how she sees us. I imagine it's the same for your dad. The guests are there to fawn and fuss over His Majesty on his special day, and they'll damn well do it on his terms.

And dear god, I know this sounds horrible, but I'm not sure what I'll do if PDmom or PDmil make it to 90. 

[nanotech]

Sometimes, still, I try to rationalise my intentions to intervene  as ' just common sense' when actually I'm beginning to be sucked back in to what will become, as you point out, a horribly tangled web!

I fall into this trap often myself... part of it is that we can't help but empathize with the guests -- the people who should be considered first and foremost. I mean, if you're having a party, surely the entire point is that it's enjoyable for the guests? The reason he won't take your suggestions is because in his mind, this is all about HIM. He doesn't care about anyone else's comfort and joy. I often refer to everyone in PDmom's (or PDmil's, for that matter) orbit as "her loyal subjects." Because that is how she sees us. I imagine it's the same for your dad. The guests are there to fawn and fuss over His Majesty on his special day, and they'll damn well do it on his terms.

And dear god, I know this sounds horrible, but I'm not sure what I'll do if PDmom or PDmil make it to 90. 

Cat, absolutely. It's all about him.  He definitely sees us as 'loyal subjects' or if we are not, we should be!
On the day the attention will inevitably fall on mothers, people will dare to talk amongst themselves, etc. Then his mood will change!
I'm sure he's avoided a summer party so as not to be overshadowed by the jubilee celebrations going on in the UK!
And no, it's not horrible to think along those lines!

[nanotech]

Whoops my last post should have said,
' .... The attention will fall on OTHERS'



NOT mothers.
Any fuss that doesn't come his way he will resent TBH.

[Starboard Song]

So I thought I'd go for a couple of hours.

Sooooo I'm presently medium chilling - but it's difficult for me not to suggest he restructures it and have the dancing earlier.
Should I? Or am I being sucked in?
Finding if so hard to stay medium chilled and feeling tempted to speak up.

You know your answer: if you are going for only an hour or two, you don't want to be there for a dance, probably. And you don't want to go for his band, definitely. And you were going to have to excuse yourself for being late or leaving early, or both. And whether this party is well-arranged for others to enjoy is his-stuff-not-your-stuff. And if you were going to actually design the event it would be radically different anyway, which is a non-starter.

So I would suggest not saying a word.

Do what you began with. Go early, visit with those who are there for about 90 minutes, have a sufficiency of drinks, and then slide out the side door. Reach out to anyone you care about to make sure you visit when they are there. Drop any further consideration of the planning, because you'll already be on the road back home to resume streaming Stranger Things.

[NarcKiddo]

I wouldn't touch the planning with a bargepole! My advice (assuming you can get away with not being there for the whole thing, or can find a valid excuse to avoid sections of it) would be to take an interest in the timings to make sure you know what is happening when and then time your attendance for the part of it that will be least awful.

[nanotech]

So I thought I'd go for a couple of hours.

Sooooo I'm presently medium chilling - but it's difficult for me not to suggest he restructures it and have the dancing earlier.
Should I? Or am I being sucked in?
Finding if so hard to stay medium chilled and feeling tempted to speak up.

You know your answer: if you are going for only an hour or two, you don't want to be there for a dance, probably. And you don't want to go for his band, definitely. And you were going to have to excuse yourself for being late or leaving early, or both. And whether this party is well-arranged for others to enjoy is his-stuff-not-your-stuff. And if you were going to actually design the event it would be radically different anyway, which is a non-starter.

So I would suggest not saying a word.

Do what you began with. Go early, visit with those who are there for about 90 minutes, have a sufficiency of drinks, and then slide out the side door. Reach out to anyone you care about to make sure you visit when they are there. Drop any further consideration of the planning, because you'll already be on the road back home to resume streaming Stranger Things.

Great advice Starboard Song. Yup about not getting involved in structuring the day!
We've thought of booking a hotel room nearby, and that way we've an early bolt hole if need be. I have a back condition and I'm getting on in years, so that would be an ideal excuse, and to be fair, an unarguably solid reason to take a 'break'  from the party and not come back! Lol.
My dad knows I'm waiting for a referral appointment which may lead to my being offered back surgery. After the MRI scan it's clear that I've a couple of severe issues that need sorting.
My dad will ask me how my back is, but  he's fairly reticent about it. Then he books hellishly long parties and expect me to do the whole thing. I think he thinks it can't be that bad for me. But oftentimes I'm in a lot of pain. I get the feeling that he assumes that if he can cope at 90, then I must be fine at 63, and for me to say I'm not is malingering. I'm slowly becoming disabled, eventually will be. But he's in denial.
My dad was one of these who never had a days illness in his life. He really didn't. At 63, ( my age )  he was like a lion, just so fit and well. I think he thinks I'm somehow malingering, despite proof ( MRI scan)  that my back is severely affected by two conditions, severe stenosis and scoliosis plus knee/ hand arthritis.
Ah well.

[nanotech]

I wouldn't touch the planning with a bargepole! My advice (assuming you can get away with not being there for the whole thing, or can find a valid excuse to avoid sections of it) would be to take an interest in the timings to make sure you know what is happening when and then time your attendance for the part of it that will be least awful.

I thank you Narkiddo, what a great idea. I'm going to find out the order of the day in detail! 
I've just managed to book a hotel room 5 minutes away from the venue!  It's a safe haven for me when required( to rest my back and restore my sanity!)  It's in an area with nice restaurants and pubs so hubby and I can just whisk ourselves away there, and have fun on our own. 😀☺️
Not sure yet when we'll leave the Mad Hatter's event, but it's so comforting to know we've got an escape hatch nearby!
Of course, I'm NOT telling UNPD DAD the escape plan until  it's too late for him to gate crash  our hotel and sit with us, talking AT us while we eat our evening meal.  regurgitating the last 7 hours. He's completely capable of assuming he's entitled to do this! 

[Andeza]

Heck, you don't have to even tell him you got a hotel. Just excuse yourself from the fresh hell... erm, I mean festivities, and go chill. Tell him you're partied out, sore/in pain, and need to head out. Heading out doesn't say where If he doesn't know where you are, he won't be able to find you! Good luck, nano.

[Cat of the Canals]

 

Never give them more information than they need. 

[moglow]

That kind of forced fun just isn't for me, plus I didn't want to party for seven hours when I was 20-30 yr old much less now! Dancing had best start quick sharp after eating/speeches/gifts or I'm going to want a nap and another drink or two. I'm not even considering the jam session unless at the time I've had enough alcohol to have fun with it. They can do that without me. Really, three hours is more than enough.

And no, dad doesn't need to know anything about your plans beyond his tea party. He'll have plenty of fun with his buddies.

[nanotech]

Heck, you don't have to even tell him you got a hotel. Just excuse yourself from the fresh hell... erm, I mean festivities, and go chill. Tell him you're partied out, sore/in pain, and need to head out. Heading out doesn't say where If he doesn't know where you are, he won't be able to find you! Good luck, nano.

Thanks Andeza yes I think that's the best idea-we are not telling anyone that we have our bolt hole!  Ninja all the way!

[nanotech]

Never give them more information than they need. 

Absolutely! Xx

[nanotech]

That kind of forced fun just isn't for me, plus I didn't want to party for seven hours when I was 20-30 yr old much less now! Dancing had best start quick sharp after eating/speeches/gifts or I'm going to want a nap and another drink or two. I'm not even considering the jam session unless at the time I've had enough alcohol to have fun with it. They can do that without me. Really, three hours is more than enough.

And no, dad  :applause:doesn't need to know anything about your plans beyond his tea party. He'll have plenty of fun with his buddies.

Moglow, I totally agree and couldn't have said it better! 🤣 
Why he needs 7 hours  to celebrate his birthday is beyond me.
OH wait..........he's a narcissist! 😩🙄