Oh hell

[StartingHealing]

  Here we go.  Figured something was up over the last couple days.

Currently, I have not yet made any decisions on removing myself from this relationship.  I would like, if possible, to renew - refresh it.   Or at least get to a point where I can say that I did every single damn thing possible.

Just got a text message from wBPD in which she is expressing how miserable she is over our lack of sexual intimacy.  Yes, it sucks. It sucks for me too!

I don't know if this is a attempt to manipulate me or am I being defensive on this subject.

She is using language like this:

I'm miserable.  I've tried back and forth everything.
Nothing has changed u to be closer to me.
I can't do this anymore.
Bcuz it was getting frustrating to not have my lover in my life.
U refuse to change!
U want me to stay in this life without being loved physically.
I can't anymore.
I'm not going to fight you.
I'm not trying to start a fight.

so on and so forth
until this:

this is me saying. I'm done waiting.
I'm now going to actively pursue some sex in my life!

Yes it's been a long spell without sexual congress.

Yes she has shamed me over my sexual performance previously many times.

Yes, her satisfaction sexual is my 100% responsibility.  According to her.

Yes, she has some body image issues.

Yes, she has the covid 20.

Yes, I would really like to be sexually intimate with her once again.

Yes,  there have been times where she has gone off like this (on different subjects) and then when I respond, she will then reject what I am doing or attempting to do.

Now, a text over how she doesn't want to start over.  She doesn't want to leave me.  And adding in how I was the one that shut down ALL the romantic things that SHE wanted to do / attempted to do.

Holy Shit.

And of course it's blew up into the entire length of the marriage which I know, (I was there) is totally not correct in regards to romance and sex.

I'm trying hard to work through my emotions at the moment.  My feelings are currently this:

Anger,  (feeling attacked again, why is this 100% my responsibility?)
Fear, (of the threats she has made previously)
Sadness, (It's a shitty situation on both sides)
A touch of resentment ( well, normal.  Not good for going forward
                                           working on that)
Weary

I could be mistaken here but it seems like she is using manipulating language and not seeing her part in the mess.

Fine.

Is this a BPD way of communicating feelings?   I mean seriously?

So now, the question is what to do.  Do I text her back saying that we are going to talk about it when I get home from work?  That hasn't ended well in the past.

Do I start initiating when I get home?  From prior events like this, when I did do that, I was rejected because according to her, all I was doing was reacting to her so somehow that wasn't acceptable.

It's like I'm in a double bind and I don't yet know which action to take to get out of it.

Someone gave me an analogy of working with horses, but after they pull back so many times, do you keep starting?  Or do you back off for a while and try it again later?

Yes, I see how this is playing into her own story of being a victim.  And she is attempting to move me into either the rescue side or abuser side of the Karpman triangle.

Can somebody help me with some insight here?  Please?

[escapingman]

I am sorry  but you have to jump Out of the FOG, it sounds untenable what you are going through. I am not going to tell you what to do, but I kind of am. Save yourself and get out.

[StartingHealing]

Thank you for the insight.  escapingman

[StartingHealing]

More stuff:
On the way home from work, I called a mental health help line because I needed to express some emotions.   Yes, I need to get a grip on my own mental health. 

After I got home yesterday, it was tense, as to be expected.  After she got back from giving a swim lesson, and then she blew up at me.  I started to respond in a way that was feeding her rant.  Went medium chill when I realized that and she still went on,  I was moving around the house, and she was following me.  Didn't remember to leave as a means to enforce boundaries.   Yeah, it was a discard thing I think.

Between the time she left and got back, had an interesting conversation with her son who is living with us as a stop gap measure so he can get back on a even keel financially.   He confirmed most things.  Which is a good thing for me since that was confirmation that I wasn't just making crap up in my head.

Shaming language, guilt, need to be right, insults, global statements, lots of always, never, all,  goodness sakes,
lots of attempted rules for thee but not for me.

I wonder how much of what she said was projection? 

Some of the statements she said:
You made me this way.
I have so much sexual energy that my head wants to explode.
If your unit works with someone else I'm going to divorce you.
You have made me get to this point that I want to die.
I'm not waiting on you any more.  There have been 3 heterosexual men that have reached out to me on social media.  They don't seem to have an issue with how I look.
If I run across someone that is interested I'm going to go ahead and do it! 
All we are is legal room mates.
I told you that all I needed was you!  But you never stepped up as a man to do that. I didn't need money, I didn't need things, all I needed was you.  (Here is a kicker to that.  Her ideal is enmeshment.  Nothing was ever enough.  Losing friends for her, losing family [such as they are] for her, losing hobbies for her, how much would be enough?)
Women need a reason to have sex.  men only need a place.

Sigh.

Add in that she was doing the push pull before this..

I'm feeling very weary.

Usually, there is some kind of drama once a week, and it's appearing that she has a large blow up once a month.

Taking a piece from the stoics, my mind has been complicit in accepting the insults / guilt / shame that she has thrown at me. 

I don't know how to move forward from where I find myself at the moment.

[escapingman]

Very similar behaviour as my uNPDw used towards me, at this point there is only one way and that is out.

Good luck!

[StartingHealing]

Hello y'all,

I'm really having a time with my emotions at the moment.

I feel like I have failed.   I feel like I wasn't enough.  I feel like I've been gutted.  I feel angry that I am not enough / strong enough.

I'm thankful that I haven't somehow ended up totally enmeshed with her. 

Peace

[StartingHealing]

Thank you for the support user.

I do appreciate it.

Wishing you all the best.

[1footouttadefog]

As a woman, this sounds to me like she is being very unfair to you. 

It seems like she is creating an emotionally unsafe or negative environment then I assisting you perform sexually.  Then criticizes you if you cannot or have less success when doing so.

It's horrible when men do this to women but at least we can choose to lay back and get it over with if we decide to be so generous.  Or worse if cohersed, either way the performance issue can more easily be overlooked for a woman.

So many women would like to have a partner who is emotionally sensitive and not just a physical experience and is seeks  you are being punished for being a  holistic partner.

It also sounds like she has some self esteem issues that you are being blamed for. 

Seems she has partners ready and wants you to blame for running to them if she has not already.  That she is threatening you that she will move on sounds like she has little still invested emotionally.  Most healthy women dont threaten contemplate such things until its as in reality already been over along time.

It sounds like you have been devalued but due would like reassurance about her self by having you validate that she is "doable"
I am sorry you are in this difficult place.  I can relate to many aspects of your story.  I know its painful.  I hope you find clarity about your next steps toward a best path forward in life.

[StartingHealing]

As a woman, this sounds to me like she is being very unfair to you. 

Thank you for that 1foot.  Was very unfair.

It seems like she is creating an emotionally unsafe or negative environment then I assisting you perform sexually.  Then criticizes you if you cannot or have less success when doing so.

Typical no win situation.  It's standard operating procedure for her.

It's horrible when men do this to women but at least we can choose to lay back and get it over with if we decide to be so generous.  Or worse if cohersed, either way the performance issue can more easily be overlooked for a woman.

For lack of better terms, I was being looked at as a object that was there only for her needs. And if a certain part was not at full attention, then it became about her emotional content.  Which is weird because she stated many times that men only need a place, women have to have a reason.  Honestly, a one night stand is a certain standard but when being attacked by someone who "claims" to love you?  I was using the toolbox, no jade, etc. but as soon as I was warming up to the idea, she would do something to squash it.  More rages, more belittling, etc.  Sad but she has like 97 out of the 100 top behaviors of a person with a PD

So many women would like to have a partner who is emotionally sensitive and not just a physical experience and is seeks  you are being punished for being a  holistic partner.  Most definitely.  As a man, I prefer the holistic approach.  It needs to be good for both and it's more than the old tab a into slot b.  Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place for that, yet the other is soooo much better.

It also sounds like she has some self esteem issues that you are being blamed for.   I am blamed for everything. 

Seems she has partners ready and wants you to blame for running to them if she has not already.  That she is threatening you that she will move on sounds like she has little still invested emotionally.  Most healthy women dont threaten contemplate such things until its as in reality already been over along time.

It was a catfishing.  It appears that it was more of an attempt to get me to knuckle under to her demands.

It sounds like you have been devalued but due would like reassurance about her self by having you validate that she is "doable"  Oh if it was a one night stand situation.  The truth of it is that even the other men wouldn't take her on as a long term thing since her behaviors push people away.
I am sorry you are in this difficult place.  I can relate to many aspects of your story.  I know its painful.  I hope you find clarity about your next steps toward a best path forward in life.

The universe provided a means to separate us.  I have described that in a different post.  Thank you for your insights from the female perspective.  I appreciate it.