Figuring Things Out vs. Ruminating and Second Guessing

[bee well]

Some thoughts about figuring things out" vs. ruminating/second guessing:

We spend  a lot of figuring things out in this forum.  It's healthy and useful to  have the added help of outside perspectives, and in many cases warranted validation. Sometimes we find creative solutions that aid in the healing and growth processes.

There are times, however, when I  I personally have found myself trying to get to the bottom of things that will never make sense. In some cases this has led to a lot of rumination/second guessing, and has on occasion impeded decision making.  Recently I came to the conclusion that spending a lot of time trying to figure out a certain situation amounted to self abuse. I decided it was best to just stop, or at best put it aside.

I ask myself, how does one know when it's time to let go of a thought process? When one senses overthinking it might be  helpful to ask  "Are these thoughts really useful? Why am I thinking about ___X_____ at this time? Will my present train of thought lead to new information, or a new solution? " (One doesn't  always remember to ask such questions, but they can be helpful.)

It can also be constructive to interrupt or distract thought by engaging in a different activity...

So, Out of the FOG'ers,  what you do when figuring things out leads to ruminating and second guessing? Do you have particular ways of dealing with it?

[notrightinthehead]

Good question. I think the first important step is to become aware of ones' ruminating. If my mind keeps wandering back to a certain situation or behaviour, I ask myself if this is something I have control over.  If I don't, I ask myself what I do have control over and what do I try to avoid thinking about by ruminating about the situation I do not have control over.  Then I try to focus on what I can control and what I try to avoid thinking about because it (usually) scares me.
To give an example - I keep ruminating how my husband is abusing me financially. I am angry about so many examples when he was controlling or denied me something. I have no control over how he behaves. However I can control in which bank account my wages go. I can face the fear of opening my own bank account in my name to which he has no access. I can ask my employer to change the account into which they transfer my wages. And I can face the rage my husband will feel when he realizes that I have stood up to his abuse. Probably this prospect scares me so much that I prefer to remain in my present situation and continue ruminating. But I have a choice.

[bee well]

Hi notrightthehead,

I am sorry you are dealing with this situation. Financial independence is something many take for granted. That is, that is if one as a job they are automatically independent. That's not always so easy within a marriage, as you know.

The aspect of control (not over your husband, and choices is very important.) Making a choice not to act is not the same as being paralyzed in fear. (And I think we agree that hasty decisions can be risky when we have a rager in the house.) With that choice you can maintain a sense of agency and perhaps prepare for how you want to approach things in the future. Here I am assuming you want to make a change. (Also assuming your husband is not physically violent in his rages. If there is danger to your person plase call for help immediately.)

I've been in similar circumstances and know it's not as easy as just doing x y or z.

It's essential that you have support in this process. I am glad you are here in the forum.

Hugs...

[notrightinthehead]

Thanks for your kind words and the hugs bee well, thankfully I am out of my abusive relationship for several years now.
Hugs

[bee well]

Hi user,

Thanks for your reply. Those are great tools. I I like them all. I have been doing a lot of journalling, thanks for reminding me of the others as well. Number 3 is challenging..that's one of the reasons I am grateful for this place. :-)

Notrightinthehead,

I am very glad to hear you are out of the abusive relationship!