What is my father?

[NarcKiddo]

I twigged a few years ago that my mother is uNPD. Her mother was, too. The more I research the topic the more textbook narc I realise my mother is.

While I have been processing all that, I labelled my father as an enabler, but more to have a "box" to stick him in rather than actually considering the matter. It has become of (academic) interest to me to explore this further - it probably won't give me much in the way of practical help as I have next to no relationship with him anyway. It's all superficial cordiality.

The reasons I thought he might be an enabler are because he has stayed married to my mother for for over 50 years and must have known that her behaviour towards the children was bad. We never had any protection from him.

The reasons I now think he might not be an enabler as such are:

He was never there to enable anything. Physically he was actually rarely there - he worked long hours so as children we really only saw him at weekends. Emotionally he was never there. This was always a great complaint of my mother's (she confided all her marital details and affairs to me from when I was about 12). At weekends he might occasionally play with us if the mood struck him but usually he was busy with whatever he wanted to do.

He took no part whatsoever in child care. On the very rare occasion when he was left in charge of me I would just be left to my own devices. He would not call me for meals - if I did not turn up on time I wouldn't get fed. At age 6.

My mother has always gloried in what a wonderful mother she is and how she looked after her darling children. Since my father was never there I suppose he might genuinely never have observed or realised (or cared) that this was not entirely true. We absolutely did not dare to tell tales on our mother to him. She would have hit the roof.

He's never particularly supported my mother against us. That said, he won't hear much said against her. If she is having a narc tantrum we might all roll our eyes behind her back, including him. But if I've ever made the tiniest attempt in private conversation with him to probe what he actually thinks, the conversation is instantly shut down, ever so politely and always in a manner that is supportive of her.

So, if he's not an enabler, what is he? He's not a normal dad or husband as far as I can tell. Main characteristics:

Total emotional unavailability. The only spontaneous show I can recall him ever making towards me is after his mother had just died. I was very upset as she and I were close but was trying to hold it together as we were in public, in the hospital. He patted my arm. That's it; that's all. And it tipped me over the edge and even the memory of it tips me over the edge. One pat on the arm. 
High-powered job
Very particular about "proper" behaviour; especially in public but even at home he himself is rigidly proper and dislikes any childish behaviour
Does what he wants at all times: acknowledges requests to help around the house but either "forgets", ignores or does things so badly he is never asked again
Very tolerant of bad behaviour from the family so long as it does not look bad or reflect on him. I am not sure whether my parents' marriage has lasted more because he would not tolerate a divorce due to public shame or my mother needs to stay married to ride on his coat-tails (probably a mixture of both). He's helped financially if his children get into scrapes. Mother claims it is because she made it happen but he may actually have wanted to do so to keep a public veneer going. At any rate we never asked him for help.
Has many acquaintances and is highly respected but I'm not sure he has any close friends. He did keep in touch with a couple of university friends but my mother took over them.

So, wise ones. Any thoughts?

[treesgrowslowly]

My guess? he's an avoidant.

Maybe not APD avoidant personality disorder level (only you would know if his behaviours rose to that level), but avoidance runs along a continuum.

The reason you saw him as an enabler is that from your perspective, the adult child (and previously, actual child in this situation), is that his avoidance did end up enabling your mother's behaviours, since narcs crave control, and she probably had her 'realm' (where he was not present), so she had 'control'.

I had the same situation. One parent was rarely around, so the other parent (narcissist) ran the show. I doubt my father even knew half the things she did when he was at work or away out of the house. And, this is exactly what a narcissist needs - they need access to targets to exploit, and they want an environment where they have control.

It didn't help matters any that "being a Father" in the 1970s meant working outside the house, and then sitting to read the newspaper at night while someone else did the cooking and housekeeping work and childcare. All over pop culture at that time, were depictions of fathers who actively avoided knowing the emotional needs of the people in their lives. Or who were mostly away from their family for work. In a lot of places, it was considered normal for men to be oblivious to the relational needs of their wives or kids or friends or relatives.

It is heartening that so many of us are waking up to realize how much better things can be if we heal from those sorts of experiences.

I could be wrong. This is just my guess based on what you wrote - there is quite a bit online about avoidant personality, avoidant attachment style and so on and perhaps some of that will help you sort out what you saw in your dad all those years.

Trees

[Cat of the Canals]

Have you ever read Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson? She has four subtypes of BPD -- Waif, Hermit, Queen, Witch. And each of them has a husband type that pairs with it. I can't remember the name or which mother pairing it went with, but there's a husband type that was the "avoid the family as much as possible."

My NPD/BPD mom fits the Queen archetype perfectly. And my dad was equal parts King and whatever that avoidant type is. Half the time he was "in charge" of everything and the other half he just wasn't around. He used to spend literally hours in the garage by himself. He only stepped in on our (the kids) behalf on the rare occasion and tried to defuse the situation, but he only ever really stood up to my mom when she was trying to say no to something he wanted for himself.

Overall, he is capable of empathizing and is not at all manipulative, so I categorize him as "Emotionally Immature."

[Sneezy]

I keep reading the part about your father not calling you for meals when you were very young.  It was all about him, wasn't it?  He couldn't even bother to call a 6-year old to dinner?  Wow!  And he cared so much about his image.  It was all about what other people thought of him, and he wanted others to think he was perfect.  It sounds like there are some NPD traits mixed in with the avoidant traits.  He wanted the glory of being seen as a model father, husband, and businessman, but he couldn't even bother to call you in to dinner.   

[nanotech]

It's complex. I always thought it was my mother who was the narcissist, with my dad as enabler. But after my mother passed, it gradually became clear that for the whole of their marriage she had enabled HIM by acting out his dysfunctional perspectives and in doing so, 'normalised' them to us kids. My dad would seem to 'go along' with mum, when in fact he was pretty happy quietly doing his worst and not having to take responsibility for any of it. My mum was likely BPD. Issues, yep, shd gad them,  but she had  emotions, she  had empathy.  My dad? Not really.
I'm not sure if this is helpful. I hope so. Sneezy's description of 1970s dads being largely absent and emotionally distant from their wife and children, is spot on correct. That was my experience too. They
did their duty as they saw it, I think. In todays world of engaged fathers, it seems unbelievable.