What next?

[escapingman]

Today I feel better, me an SG had a great morning as well. She is normally in a bad mood in the mornings but today she was happy and chatty. Came back home to the peacuful house after taking her to school, had a coffee and then went back for a rest in bed. Back in bed after the school run, uNPDx would be screaming if she heard about that  .  The peace of no contact, I cannot tell you what a difference it makes. Solicitor sent an offer for the finances to uNPDx yesterday and also a request for returning GC to me. I know uNPDx will laugh at it all, but I need it on record I am doing all I can for reuniting the girls with each other and that I want to see GC. uNPDx has not done any attempt to see SG yet, I doubt she will unless it would be for getting an opportunity to abuse her for snatching on her in school.

Last thing, I don't give a flying F about uNPDx and what she is up to. All I want is peace and my girls with me.

[escapingman]

Time for some celebration in the middle of all this storm, the court have accepted my request for the divorce and will make it formal in a hearing in a months time. Following this I am allowed to apply for the divorce to be final!  But the finances will have to be agreed before this, custody does not need to be sorted to be formally divorced. One step at a time and I might get there in the end!

[hhaw]

Congrats, EM, on that forward movement in Court.

I've posted about asking everyone to agree ahead of settlment discussions to:
1:  Agree to hand write out any Agreement reached by both parties, have that signed by everyone, inclulding the attorneys then your attorney walks it to the Clerk's office, files it then hands out stamped copies BEFORE any hearings, trial dates or depositions are CANCELLED.

Just.... assume the stbx will refuse to sign that Agreement if she won't sign it AT the meeting, right then and there.... it might seem extreme,but your attorney sounds like she understands what you're up against, so...... calmly an politely steer things along with economy of motion, as you can: )

Well done!

[escapingman]

Hhaw, thanks for your advice but the divorce has been granted and its just a formality with the hearing. Yes uNPDx can dispute some cost she has been ordered to pay, but not to stop the divorce.

[hhaw]

I understood the finances would have to be settled before the divorce will be finalized. 

[escapingman]

Sorry hhaw, my mistake. Yes finances need to be settled first, I really think this will be the tricky bit as she feels entitled to everything and some more.

[hhaw]

PDs tend to pull the same time wasting stunts.... maddening, not always avoidable, but hey..... lots of posters sharing their wisdom and experiences with you.

I hope you can cut this short, if possible. 

[losingmyself]

Congratulations!!

[escapingman]

I have my plan in my head.

I have given her an offer, its a genuine fair offer, but she will turn it down. I expect a counter offer, that is unrealistic from her. I would then ask for something realistic and then most likely accept that whatever it would be just to move on.

After all of this today she just pulled one of her stunts again. I have alerted my solicitor and am waiting for a response tomorrow. uNPDx contacted SG and asked for an item in the house and to be given that at the activite where the kids cross over. I wasn't happy about it but SG was pushing for it and I don't want to be seen as stopping her from seeing her mum. It was arranged between uNPDx and SG that she would drop the item off at her car, say hello and then leave. As you all know, the entitled one thought she was entitled to more. I could see this from a mile, but I could see me stopping SG up front would have turned her against me. Although uNPDx managed to arrange for herself to see SG and me (reluctantly) allowing it, I was never allowed to see GC. I wasn't to worried as it all happened just outside the cars and I could have stepped in at any time, but I kept my no contact regime and stayed in the car until they were done.

As I wrote, I am waiting for my solicitor on this, but this can clearly not happen again and I think she might or at least almost broken the court order for what she is supposed to do.

[escapingman]

Following the stunt from uNPDx yesterday, I really struggled the rest of the evening and felt all the rage and anger bubbling up to the surface. I then had nightmares about them all with uNPDx and uNPDmil laughing and protecting GC. Having slept on it, I need to up my games and I will need to have her accountable for every little thing she does. She will not get away with what she did yesterday, it was a clear love bomb on SG and triangulating me as she did it outside the car. I was angry at the moment it happened, but I could not go out and sort it as it likely would have ended with me being provoked and breaking our mutual agreement of not being hostile to each other. I am going to have to be much more proactive to stop anything like this happening again, but first I will see what solicitor thinks about and I am waiting to hear back,

The entitlement she has is probably the worst of it all, it is sickening.

[guitarman]

It appears that she is testing your boundaries. She is trying to provoke you into an argument so that you will become angry at her. Then she will have the evidence that you are the abuser and she will claim to be the victim. She did this in a public place so that she could have witnesses.

So well done for staying calm and having insight into what is really going on.

Staying calm is our super power.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting. 

[guitarman]

I'm not surprised to learn that you have had nightmares. I have nightmares as well about all the trauma I have witnessed. It's a way that our minds can safely process what has happened when we felt threatened, that we maybe weren't able to do when the trauma first occurred.

This is all part of CPTSD. I experience vivid flashbacks as well during the day and can get triggered very easily.

Mindfulness meditations have helped to quell my dark thoughts and to realise that my thoughts are not facts.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[justducky]

I'm so sorry about the uNPDx stunt, EM. You have a solid plan going forward.

An idea: should she ask for items in the future--which she should do directly to you via email (IIRC you're allowed email contact)--you could, if you wish, postal mail them to her.

[escapingman]

Thanks GM and Ducky,

With some distance to it, yes this was a stunt and I can see she wanted me to lose my cool. There was a car parked a bit away, a learner, with the windows down and a person in it, I might just have been cynical but I would not put it past her that they were there as a potential witness had I confronted her.

She is actually not allowed to contact me at all except for issues relating directly to the children's health and if she wants anything out the house she should ask through her solicitor. There is no order against her contacting SG so in that sense she did the right thing, but she should not ask SG for items out of the house. But what the exact rules are I am not sure and am waiting for my solicitor to confirm. But she should certainly not use the kids activities as some kind of way to get round all the rest.

I am getting very frustrated with the lack of progress and that GC has now been with her for over a month and I still haven't been allowed to see me. I am wondering how the courts, social services and the police had acted if I was the wife and she was the husband? I am pretty sure they had acted much different. That really get me angry as it looks like you get a free pass to abuse if you are a woman. If she push my buttons again I think I will go back to the police and force an investigation. I am tired of all this cr*p.

[escapingman]

She is following the textbook.

Got a call from my solicitor, she has now sent in a court application against me accusing me for domestic violence. 3 pages of made up incident. Oh and what a surprise, the court takes her accusations seriously and allow an emergency hearing against me. My allegations that was the truth backed with evidence was not serious and therefor was put a few months away. Very interesting that her application dates the same date she received the letter from the court about my application.

All I can say, thank you all in this community for all advice. I think I have recordings for all or most of the incidents that has happened but been taken out of it's context and fabricated. But I have no hope in the court system or the authorities so I expect them taking the children away from me despite all my evidence. This is living in hell.

[square]

We are behind you. You have evidence and she does not. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other.

[guitarman]

False allegations are so difficult to cope with. The perpetrator can be so believable to strangers. They can be good actors. However you have a lot of good evidence in your favour where as she has none.

This is all done as an act of vengeance. It is so cruel, vicious and heartless. She wants to be portrayed as the victim not the abuser.

It's the black or white thinking. If you aren't my friend then you are my enemy. Nothing in between.

You have truth and hopefully justice on your side. You will win.

My uBPD/NPD sister has made false allegations about many male members of our family. I know how difficult it can be to cope with. Thankfully we've never been to court, yet.

Get as much support as you can.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

Here are some support organisations in the UK that can help you.

https://mencasa.org.uk/resources/

Please contact them. There is a limit to what we can all do on this forum.

We care about you and your children.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Thanks guitarman!

I have started to got through my files, photos and audio, I should be able to prove most of her accusations as lies, but then again, the court system seems to favour the women and think we men are all bad. But I have some spectacular evidence and if they dismiss that and believe her I don't know what to do. She claimed me physically dragging her in her arm leaving bruises all over on the way to an event. I have photos from when we arrived to the event, this would be immediately after me physically assaulting her, she smiles at the camera, with her arms bare and not a single mark. Again, another photo from the breakfast the day after with both arms uncovered and not a single mark on either of them. She really must think I was born yesterday. Apparently I also left her starving without providing her anything to eat one night on holiday, also quite interesting as I had booked us a hotel with an executive lounge with free food and we spent 2 hours there before going to find a restaurant she refused to eat at. I can go on and on but I think you get the picture.

[guitarman]

Yes I understand. I've been there!

My uBPD/NPD sister would make false allegations then she would believe the lies she told.

She twisted history so much I never believed what she said unless it was corroborated by other people. Often they said the complete opposite of what she claimed had happened.

Well done for taking the photos. She will no doubt claim that they have been edited and altered by you!

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.