What next?

[escapingman]

This is so hard. I need the entire weekend to get all evidence together and put all my replies straight. But I have no one to help with SG and she keep going on about everything she wants to do this weekend. I really can't do what she wants as I need to get this right. Right now I am quite cross with people on my side of the family that is not just coming over and helping, they are more thinking coming and have a bit of a holiday. With all this coming up next week, the emergency hearing and everything I won't be able to work what so ever. I am stressed, I know I can do it, but I really can't sacrifice this hearing to entertain SG (although I know she deserves it). I just told her to invite her friends next saturday for a bbq and waterfight or whatever she wants to do, but this weekend I can't do much. I have secured (I think) the same barrister as last time, I need to give her all the evidence so she can fight for me. She was amazing last time and I really took to her, I think she can do it again, but I don't know the court system and what she will be allowed to do or say, last time when uNPDx was the respondent her barrister wasn't allowed to say a word. I would be pretty pi**ed off if I pay a fortune for a barrister and she is not allowed to talk.

I really have all the evidence, but I am, not sure how much the courts care. Does it matter if I put one foot wrong 3 years ago (one of uNPDx lies involves something 3 years ago).

[square]

Re SG, just want to say, you're fine, she'll just have to deal with a boring weekend, too bad. You're a real dad, not a Disney dad.

[Andeza]

I assume you've had the: "I would love nothing more than to do ALL the things with you all weekend, as I'm sure you know. However I do have some grownup business that HAS to get taken care of this weekend, and I am sorry but we'll have to have a quiet weekend at home while I get some things in order. I'll get you some movies/books/games to help pass the time, and next weekend we'll do XYZ." conversation?

[hhaw]

EM: 
Call SGs's friend's parents and see if you can arrange a long weekend for SG to hang wtih them.  Maybe offer to buy water park tickets OR arrange for High Tea for SG and a group?

Sweeten pot and know you deserve suport, help and advocacy.... it's OK to involve other people who "get it."

If you ask for help and don't get any..... maybe it's how you're asking or who you;re asking.... I remember you said other parents offered to help when yu needed help.  Did they say NO?

[guitarman]

It's at times like this that you need your support system. Maybe you don't have much as your wife didn't allow any other people into your life?

I know children need to have lots of exercise to burn off their energy. Maybe you could go for a walk or bike ride together and have a more relaxing time after that.

Make a schedule and take regular breaks together. You can have fun times together making lunch etc.

Children need to know how to occupy themselves. I used to practice playing my guitar and other musical instruments for hours and hours on my own. I was quite content to do that.

You also need time to unwind and destress. You need time for yourself as well. You have so many worries and so many important things to do.

I hope that you can find your support system and find people that you can trust, who don't know your wife. Maybe that is something that you can work on building over the next few months. It will be important for yourself and for your children in the future.

I have posted before that I have found great support in attending mental health carers groups and contacting my local carers organisation. We need contact with other people. We can't do all this on our own. It's good to share.

I hope you can have a peaceful weekend and can get all the tasks done that need to be completed.

We are all here if you want to chat. You are not alone.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

EM: 
Call SGs's friend's parents and see if you can arrange a long weekend for SG to hang wtih them.  Maybe offer to buy water park tickets OR arrange for High Tea for SG and a group?

Sweeten pot and know you deserve suport, help and advocacy.... it's OK to involve other people who "get it."

If you ask for help and don't get any..... maybe it's how you're asking or who you;re asking.... I remember you said other parents offered to help when yu needed help.  Did they say NO?

I don't really have any support system around here, the parents that offered to help out are away this weekend so I can't ask them. I have another dad I am reasonable close to, I have invited him for a beer tonight and I will see if if I can tell him what's going on and if he can help when needed. I am not sure he will get it, who will really get it if you haven't been in it? SG is having a lay in this morning so I have been able to go through things for a few hours, but it really makes me ill listening to the recordings again and it takes me back to the abuse. I have to much material and to pick what is the "best bits" is really hard. Some of it doesn't sound as bad as it was but the abuse was relentless and never stopped. I am going to need a break from this as it is killing me, but if what I have now is not enough then the court has already decided I am the bad one.

[guitarman]

You are in the middle of things right now so it's difficult to be objective. You have been the target of abuse for a long time. Be gentle with yourself.

Could you play some of the recordings to your friend who is coming to visit you later? That way they can hear what you've had to endure for a long time.

I know how difficult it is to open up and trust people again. It's difficult to be vulnerable. It took me a long time to let people know what has been going on in my family. We kept so many secrets and I was brought up not to talk about any abuse.

I still find it difficult but much easier than before. I have support from caring people in other support groups who really understand. It's such a relief to share my emotions and feelings with others.

Take regular breaks. Do something different for a while and then come back to it.

Become aware of your breathing. Do breathing exercises. The abuse was in the past not in the present. Remind yourself that you are safe.

Sing, dance and move about.

Mindfulness meditations are helpful for me. We do a body scan for a few minutes and become aware of how our body is feeling. That helps to ground myself in the present moment.

You may like to join the free Frazzled Café emotional support groups online. You can share with other people there. They are a very supportive group of people. They have meetings every day. They are based in the UK. Anyone can join (over 18).

https://www.frazzledcafe.org/

You are not alone.


Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Thanks GM,

I just don't know if I can manage this. She abused med for more than 15 years, the last 2 has been relentless and also a 2 year campaign if turning the children against me. Now when I finally are on my way out, I am accused for the,abuse she has done and it looks like everybody believes her. If the judge rule against me this,week I don't think I will recover from it.

[justducky]

Deep breaths, EM.

I understand what you're saying and how overwhelming and hopeless it all feels. You've gone through hell and it feels like the world is against you.

Please remind yourself that you have lots and lots of evidence. Evidence is persuasive. Even if some people in the court generally side with women, your excellent evidence and documentation may very well change their minds.

Your situation is not hopeless. Daunting and stressful? Absolutely.

A suggestion: work on assembling your evidence in blocks of time. Work on it for, say, 30 minutes, then take some time to decompress.

You can do this, EM. I have faith in you. 

[guitarman]

You have the good evidence which you had the foresight to preserve. So well done. She hasn't got anything of any significance.

She is trying to intimidate and frighten you. It's what abusers and bullies do. They prey on vulnerable people.

I know what it is like living with abuse for decades. It can erode your soul. It's what your wife wants you to feel like. She wants you to feel scared.

How we counter that is by becoming more assertive and building our self esteem. We begin to talk more about our feelings and emotions which have been hidden because we dare not speak about them. We matter too.

We seek out support from others who have been in a similar situation. We then realise what has been going on. We have our feelings validated. We realise that what we are feeling is quite normal for what we've been through as others feel the same. That is very reassuring to know. We find out what trauma does to our minds and bodies.

It takes time to heal and learn to live again without fear and intimidation. It takes time to live and enjoy peace. We need to become our own cheerleader. We need to congratulate ourselves for all that we have achieved.

This is what Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome is all about. We need time to recover and regain our authentic selves. We need time to become strong again. We need to discover who we really are again.

Living with trauma for a long time can impact your thinking and your body. It can be exhausting. It's like having been in a war zone for years living with so much fear of dying every day.

You've only just come out of the war zone. You are still dealing with the aftermath. Your body and mind are still living with all the trauma. You aren't used to the peace and quiet yet. It's quite normal to feel like that after all that you've been through.

Your body and mind have been in a high alert status for a long time trying to protect you from any harm and danger. It will take time to decompress from all the trauma and feel normal and at peace again. You may have a high startle response being still on alert for any potential danger. You may find it difficult to relax which can be so exhausting. You may still be having feelings of anticipatory dread and hyper vigilance. You may have negative thoughts and heightened feelings of impending doom and dread. You may find it difficult to concentrate. It's all quite normal to feel like that.

So you are quite normal! You are quite sane. You are in control. Maybe you've not felt like that for a long, long time. It can feel very empowering to know that.

You are safe.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[guitarman]

I've just listened to a Mindfulness guided meditation on YouTube. Now I feel calm and relaxed. My heart rate has slowed down and so has my breathing. My racing thoughts have calmed down as well.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[escapingman]

Thanks Ducky, I sat 4 hours solid this morning and that really dragged all energy out of me. Went down to the bakery and bought some treats for me and SG, then out shopping for some stationery for her followed by swimming, I feel much better now and started to think of better ways to respond to some of the accusations. I mean, if they believe her I will lose hope in humanity. She has completely fabricated events and made me look like the worst man in the world. She has used real events and then changed what happened. It's just so twisted I don't know what to say. but I have witnessed her doing this for so many years always getting what she wants. But so far I can categorically prove that at least 3 of her so called facts are lies, I would have hoped this will help the judge seeing that everything else also is manufactured. This time she is trying to do it with the court system and I sincerely hopes she has taken on more than she can chew. It is one thing engineering a story and get her mum and friend (I write friend as she only have 1 and I can guarantee she is a narc as well, all others has been discarded long ago or put on the shelf) on her side.  I was thinking of trying to keep her abuse from others a secret to both protect her but also for the girls. But not anymore, her dark side needs to be out in the public and I will try to find the courage to tell the story.

I also have managed to secure the same barrister as last time, the one who knows about the drama triangle and therefor very likely about abuse and PD.

[hhaw]

EM:

Please don't assume you're Judge is favoring your stbx. 

Often, our Judge DID favor the PDs, but it ended up backfiring on the PDs, over and over again, bc their relentless mission to punish and destroy me through my children became apparent until the PDs were just flat out admitting it under oath many years and courtrooms later, bc my attorney hammered the PDs with evidence that was air tight. 
Also, your stbx likely has little or zero evidence and is depending on you to get defensive, reactive, undone.... so put on your game face, EM.  Hold... hold....hold.... then pull your evidence to how the court what;s what.  You'll do that again and again and keep working towards cornering the PD into copliance OR a trial where the Court makes all the decisions and that's OK too.  Don't fear court. 

In fact, prehaps this emergency hearing will be he place you AMEND the judge's Order giving you use of the home and SG?  What IF you have an opportunity to have GC handed into your care AND have your name removed from the Temp Protective order keeping you away from the stbx.... bc she's the abuser making false allegations detrimental to you and the children.... and that should be amended if at all possible, IME.  That COULD happen... maybe.   You don't know, but don't ask, don't get.  So speak up to your barrister... remember to speak with compassion for stbx.... don't tell him what to do....suggest gently and hand him your evidence notebook or file or whatever you have to PROVE your cause for asking the Judge. Speak calmly and without expectation..... keep everything short and simple, only the burger, no bun.

Go ahead...be angry the Courts might be favoring your stbx, but know the statistics are that most abusers ARE men.  Know women.... and ABUSED women and children are consistently let down in the Courts and ruled against in favor of manipulative abusive men, bc those men are good at lying, cheating and stealing while their wives are broken down emotionally and physically, caring for children without  support or help and trying to put together a case, as you see that's not so easy, and the abuser is running around sabotaging and threatening the wife, where no one can see in ways they cover up, driving the wife mad then pointing at her as the mentally ill one with the unhinged mind.

I was not treated fairly in court, but was clued in fast..... it didn't matter.  What mattered was what I COULD DO, and I better get busy and DO IT.  ACCEPTANCE IS YOUR FRIEND.

YOU go ahead and you have your moment... feel sad and mad and at the mercy of, but have it then notice you'll likely feel broken and at the bottom and helpless...... and that might make you angry on your childrens' behalf.  IT DID ME, I'll tell yu that and that's where I received a biochemical dump that drove me like a robot to hyper focus, follow my gut, organize in ways I truly didn't realize I COULD, which familiarized me with ALL my evidence to the point I knew where things were years later.  A miracle that saves one time and energy, IME.

Just.... buy what you need to organize.  Hire who ever you need to help, if that's a problem.... are you filing those tapes in computer files? 
Are you tossing them into a bin?  A file folder.... a rolling case?  Think it through.  There will be very important evidence and less important evidence you keep in the trunk, perhaps...but there will be a filing system you put in place and know like the back of your hand, EM.

My mind would start with listenening to each tape. marking the date, relevent info and which point on the tape minutes that info IS.  I would have suffered if I'd waited till court to DO that work, but that happens to be how I did it.

I'd take that MASTER LIST and mark each tape with some indicator for WHAT category it falls in, for instance:

V for any physical violence on the tape by the PD or GC against you and SG

S for Safety Issue with regard to anything you can think of

M for medical or medication content

R for PD rages and perhaps further mark WHAT subject the PD is raging about

A for alienation of the children

You'll know what you should title your tapes as and what categories are relevant.  Yours will be different than mine.

Some tapes will be cross referenced into more than one category, so..... make sure you have enough room on your master list to include all the information you need at a glance so you don't have to keep redoing it.  Likely you'll enter it into yur computer so you can easily change it and print as many copies as necessary. 

How will you orgnaize the tapes if not on the computer?  I said I'd do it by dates, but you might have another way that makes more  sense to you.

The same goes for all your documents, notes, pictures and witness statements which I'd have notarized if I included them.

You'll have copies of SG's statements to the school.... right?

As I keep mentioning, a master notebook, with all the best evidence, was more helpful to me than anything and I didn't put mine together until I was under the gun and in terrible trouble bc my PDs unduly influenced the Court Apppointed T in the custody trial, which seemed like a devastating insurmountable blow, but was one of the things I believe SHOWED this Judge what the PDs are.  By the end of that trial, we;d knocked down EVERY allegation the PDs made, while laying out a very organized and consistent case PROVING the PDs ONLY wanted to destroy me through my children while claiming they wanted to save my children from hhaw, the monster.... and it backfired spectarcularly...... the PDs ended up admitting that very thing UNDER OATH during the last day of the trial, which was unexpected, but apparent and proven..... truly.... he with the best evidence has a very good chance of getting what they need to make a life and find joy with their children.

Even if you can't save your girls completely from their mum and the fallout.... it's hoped you can get protections, therapy and support enough to help your girls grow wise, resilient and mindful of their inner worlds and not feel responsible for other people....boundaries.  Coping strategies.  Life skills.  THESE things, if you're given the chance, are things you'll learn, model for and help teach to your chldren so they're  made stronger by processing and overcoming their trauma.

I can tell you this....
by the time you walk into that emergency hearing you;ll have a very good idea what evidence you'll need to disprove any negative and maybe your attorney or barristers will already have shared it with opposing counsel, who does NOT want to walk into a courtroom and get blindsided by bad evidence against their client in front of a Judge, as you've already benefitted from, based on what I understand so far.

So walk into that courtroom WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.  Do no assume you're at the mercy of the system and being re victimiZed, bc that hasn't happend YET... it might not happen, ever. 

Don't allow the PD's outrageous ploys make you reactive...... she;s COUNTING on that.  She's going to be doing everything she can to apply a fig. blowtorch to your most tender points, and she knows where they all ARE. 

So.... just sit with the discomfort and the pain of not knowing and trust yourself to put together the evidence well enough.  Doesn't have to be perfect, but well eough for the hearing ahead of you.  Maybe put off organizng ALL your tapes till calmer waters and more time appear.

Pull what you need...pull the tapes that show the Court who the abuser IS. 
Pull tapes with discussions where you're calm and asking the PD to stop raging at or in front of the children.
Pull tapes where your stbx is attacking, physically and verbally, while you're retreating or trying to calm her or protect the children.
Pull those photos of stbx's arms, showing she has no MARKS the night of and day after the "assault" by you, as she's alleged.  I can't tell you how many times I had to disprove negatives, the PDs alleged.... honestly.... I think one can boil divorce, custody and financial war inside the courtroom with a PD down to
disproving
negatives.
Down to laying out your strongest case, which includes forming a rational narrative BUILD ON THE EVIDENCE, then remembering what your narrative is.... you just have to leave out the really crazy PD stuff you can't prove, bc that will often make YOU look unhinged, IME.

Organize your evidence. 

Again, putting more supports and advocates in place will be helpful, IME. 

I guess I did those things ALWAYS in very reactive ways, once the PD's applied particular blow torches (fig.) and drove me in particular directions in a panic.

I share this with you so you might think ahead, be proactive with regard to finding and hiring experts.... advocates.... forensic experts who can testify WELL in court.  Not all Ts are good in court or go to court at all.  Choose wisely.  Think ahead.

Again, will suggest contacting the groups and perhaps a good criminal attorney and second civil attorney, so you can get some unhiased, very informed opinions about speciici laws, how the Courts and paricularly your Judge rules, anything you need to know about your Judge or the laws to HELP you formulate your best possible case to brign about the best possible outcome foryou and your children.

Remember.... expect things to feel and appear to be very hopeless or bleak, based on attacks the PD makes against you and the chlldren through the Courts, but don't assume it's a bad thing.  Sometimes the PDs OUT themselves with what appear to be ruthless tactics gaining them a battle or two, but it's just posturing leading up to the final battle where you get to use all your evidence. 

These skirmishes are just skirmishes and in no way determine how things will end up.  Remember to try to
*drop judgement
*get very curious
*try to drop expectation, bc you don't always know what the best outcome is... sometimes it's not what you think it it,  IME
exend tsunamis of self compassion at every minute - you're your finest resource, EM
*accept what you can't change... just embrace radical acceptance as a general rule of thumb on EVERYTHING
*practice calming your Nervous System by ending showers with icy water, pushing on doorjambs if really UPSET, breathing excercises, humming, patting yourself on the shoulders like you're comforting an infant, walking in nature or in the house, allowing heel, ball of foot then toes to "kiss the earth" mindfully as you focus on breathe also, listen to books on tape with calming voices and strories you enjoy having on in the background over and over.  I used to listen to the Monsters of Templeton, bc the narrator's voice was calming and the protagonist was easy for me to connect with.  I'd have trouble sleeping and if cuddling my girls didn't help, I'd put on a book on tape and try to relax.  If only I knew how to calm my Nervous System then.... if only I knew then what I know now.

Remember, stbx will focused on attacking YOU...making you appear bad.... on beating you and winning.

YOU will be focused on the children, you will never attack the stbx...you'll calmly state facts while providing proof always and you'll do it without expectation or judgment.... just float it out there leavign room for the listeners to feel outrage on your behalf and DO what they can do to HELP you help your children. 

It's the children the children thechildren that the Courts will have a harder time ignoring and punishig for taking up their time.  The adults are volunteers, of a sort, and the Courts are overwhelmed and tend to punish everyone, IME.  Don't let it bug you.  DO WHAT YOU CAN and put the story on the shelf, EM. 

WOrk for hours, then do something wonderful with SG.... set her up in the kitchen decorating cupcakes or  whatever, but work hard then put it down and seek some joy...be present with SG.... go back to work for another 3 hours.   You can't do everything or be everything and SG will likely understand what it is you're doing for your benefit and everyone's.

What are you telling SG about the legals and the work you're doing now, btw?

Just read your last post.....
I'm curious if your barrister will tell opposing counsel about your evidence OR choose to go in front of the Judge and SPRING your evidence on stbx so the Judge can SEE what the PD is doing.

You have choices, EM.  Ask your attorney about those choices. YOu're looking down the road, and generally attorreys just look one hearing at a time. 

[escapingman]

Thanks hhaw, as always amazing what you write.

I think my solicitor/barrister will be able to make a response that everyone will see prior to the hearing. This would include my evidence and my chance to respond to the allegations. I think the judge will be able to listen to any recordings and look at any photos if the judge wants to. The previous judge was not interested in anything I provided and instead ignored all of it putting it down as a couple arguing. But as this hearing is about the children I would have thought this time they are supposed to be taking everything much more serious. I really hope the judge wont make an intitial judgement in favour of uNPDx based on a pack of lies until the real hearing. What uNPDx is asking for is that I am not allowed any contact what so ever with GC. Personally I think she is shooting herself in the foot and I hope the judge can see it, she is only asking for GC and suggest I can have SG. Which mother throws one child to the devil (which she suggest I am) so she can enjoy life with the other child with no disruption?

I started listening to mind fullness a few days ago, it was really relaxing me. Unfortunately this was about half an hour before the call from the solicitor regarding the emergency hearing so haven't been calm since.

[hhaw]

You seem to be gaining some distance on this legal situation.... SeEING how the game is played..... how stbx will always press for punishments, to have you cast as the villain, alleging you've abused in the ways she's abused so she can manufacture chaos and confusion, which is PD playbook stuff.

It's interesting when you discern how stbx's reactivity, inability to speak about you with compassion or put the children's best interests and safety first.

I agree with you, btw, sbtx's offering up SG for sacrifice to the devil... you....while fending you off GC when you aren't even pressing in or inserting yourself in GC's world.... it's just an odd thing to focus on... More tit for tat, than rational request for safety measures the stbx believes are necessary. 

More..... chaos manufacture to muddy the waters and create confusion.

Stbx knows your triggers and it is egregiously harmful to accuse you of DOING WHAT stbx is DOING.  Imagine if her actions provoke you into being defensive, or getting snarky or going all wided eyed and incredulous while INSIDE the courtroom.... that's straight out of the PD playbook and you  have to rise above, see the entire field and KNOW she lacks the control to face all you evidence and remain calm and calculating, IME.  It's one of their downfalls.... failure to build their case on real evidence... false, emotionally charged allegations get them so far then fall flat IF the non parent holds....
holds.....
holds.....
then goes back to doing what they can and putting the story on the shelf.

Sure, we're talking about harm to your children, but life is now a matter of mitigating harm.....it's about making less harmful decisions.... there aren't many good decisions in front of you, Im afraid and you do well to accept that truth and get busy
doing
what
you
can
do.

Seeking out your joy with SG.... soon, hopefullly, with GC..... proving to the girls you in no way will ever speak badly about their mum....you will never harm her.... but you also won't save her from the consequences she's brough on herself.and that's a conversation about sad and happy choices.... IME.

You'll share your evidence with opposing counsel and likely be privy to all stbx's "evidence" before the hearing.... or not.

What's mportant is you show up, calm and prepared to disprove every allegation while laying out the truth, sans snark and emotion and reactivity.

Your agenda to protect the children will shine through, provided you don't roll yuor eyes or snap at the stbx or drop your jaw dramatically when hearing the allegations in court..... you just be the consistent, calm, rasonable parent who isn't reactive...who is IN CONTROL of yourself and always always compassionate towards the PD, even when laying out the ugly evidence proving the terrible things she's done..... I think showing compassion is particularly important when laying out that evidence... the uglier the evidence the more compassion you extend...just take my word for it.

Always appeaar to want the best for her, but press for the most protection and strongest consequences possible..... it's a thin line you'll walk, IME.

In the meantime.... I still don't know anything abot your Judge, how they typically rule, and what makes them tick, specifically.... background, terrible marriage, typically punishes men or women or both in their courtroom.....makes up stupid things and punishes litigants irrationally OR is known to be level and fair and invested in protecting the children...... there are attorneys out there who KNOW these things. I bet your attorney knows.... you can better attune your evidence to your Judge if you know your Judge, IME.

Some judges don't care a hank about safety issues or alienation but they DO care about going against well established and respected forensic experts.... forensic therapists who can document well into the Court record so the Judge can't avoid being seen as responsible when the worst happens and they were told, warned, asked politely and professionally to protect the children and abused litigant, but failed. 

It's the long game and you build on wins and resist making agreements weakening your position and strengthening the PDs, IME.

It takes gentle nerve and constant referal back to the children,the childrenthechildren.... what's in their best interest.....having a plan the Judge finds reasonable and may ORDER if you find ways to be understood and prove your case.

You know the stbx isn't regularing her emotions... she's a hot mess and counting on you to be a bigger hot mess..... but you aren't going to give her that out in court or outside court. 

Have you tried to schedule more appointments with your T?  I'd say at least once weekly is necessary, even if it's over the phone.... better to have a face to face phone call where you can look into her eyes and feel her compassion, but take what you can get, EM. 

[escapingman]

Thanks hhaw, yes I think I am getting over the first knee jerk panic and getting a more controlled grip on the situation. After collecting my evidence, I have so much so good so difficult to choose as I am not sure how much can be shown at once. But I am planning to give it all the my solicitor and barrister and then for them to decide what's should be presented before the hearing. Her accusations are so far fetched and made up I hope anyone would look into them with some caution and not just rule based on what she says. But as you have said about your case, uNPDx is not really interested in actually having the children, she knows how much I love them and that this is her best way to hurt me.

Yesterday I had one of the other dads over for a couple of beers, I told him what is going on but didn't get into any real details as didn't want to overwhelm him. He was kind of chocked about uNPDx behaviour to split the girls up and refuse me to see GC. He offered me to help whenever need help although he said he doesn't know what kind of help that would be. I told him it might just be some help looking after SG at some times or just come over to mine for a beer to cheer me up. I am glad I opened up to him, it feels better the more people I tell and for everyone I tell I give away a bit more of the story.

When listening to the last recordings before leaving I went back to how bad things really were and how brain washed GC actually is. I really hope the judge will listen to the last recording, because any sane person would not let any child stay with uNPDx based on that recording. But my real worry is not having the evidence, it's for the right people to actually be bother to look and listen to it. 

[guitarman]

I'm glad to learn that someone came over to visit you. I know it's not easy to explain about our experiences but it becomes easier the more frequently that we talk about it all. It's can feel such a relief to share with other people.

You'll be surprised about how often other people also have a NPD person in their lives. It's quite common, but people don't talk about it. So we aren't alone. It can feel like we are.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[hhaw]

EM:


You would give all your evidence to your attorneys and ask them to make the decisions about what evidence to TAKE with yu to the hearing. 

I think you have a better handle on what your evidence IS, what will refute allegations already made and could be made AT the emergency hearing, so......
aside from the attorneys just TELLING you what your Judge is like, is likely to do and what that Judge's damage is, trauma wise, YOU will be and SHOULD be involved in every step of evidence selection.... just..... every step of the way, IME.

This serves 2 purposes....
1.  YOU know what evidence you have and he attorneys have a multitude of cases, can't fixate on JUST your case and evidece the way you are and they just missing things you won't. 
2.  IF your attorney had enough time to go through and discern the maximum benefit of all your evidence, it would cost tends of thousands of dollars for that attorney to do so.... and they can't. It's not a matter of won't.... just not enough time.

Your attorney will NEED a master list of your evidence.... like I said.... I had the two notebooks with everythng broken down into categories that made sense in my case, which included VISITATION, MEDICATIONS, CHILD SAFETY, E MAILS and then there were some odd things I had to find a way to keep up with that weren't important enough to make the notebook.

I'm telling you this with tremendous hindsight, Em.... bc I didn't understand how important ALL the evidence would be and HOW it would fit together until I'd been through many trials and my attorney blew me off, assuming I knew ho to do my own trial prep, bc I'd been through so many other trials with other VERY GOOD attorneys who in all honest, DID THEIR OWN TRIAL PREP WELL so I saw them HAVE all the evidence in boxes and look at each other with glee when a statement was made by a witness my attorneys KNEW they could disprove with a paricular piece of evidence and then they dove into the boxes and pulled out documents and asked the court for a break.  At break they took the witness and opposing counsel aside and SHOWED the witness PROOF they were lying under oath.

In the first instance I saw this happen, a statement taken by a Private Investigator, MY ATTORNEY's PI, the witness remembered giving different facts and so was afraid she'd be in trouble for lying in court..... so she altered the statement she gave 15 minutes earlier, but was SUPER angry she'd been caught and HAD to change her statement under oath. 

My attorney told me we didn't really have a recording of that conversation, but my attorney SAID we did, which was enough to scare that attorney into being honest.......

EM......

this is a chess game and you and your attorneys won't honestly KNOW what you need or how you'll use it until you're IN the courtroom.

You mentioned not knowing HOW MUCH evidence you will or should present.  That's an ongoing and very open problem to solve and you'll have to solve it as you go in every hearing you're able to present evidence.

Some hearings are for giving evidence.  Some are not.

HAD I KNOWN how important my notebook would be... the ONE WITH ALL THE ORIGINAL DOCUMENTS... I would have always had one for every trial.... I would have started it the FIRST trial instead of the 5th or whatever trial that was. It was too f'n many,EM.

THE ONLY REASON TO STOP presenting good evidence is so you don't make your judge angry and THAT's why you need to know everything yu can about your Judge.  IF your Judge hates all male litigants, you give ONLY the tippy top prime grade evidence and you consider having your female attorney standing with your barrister to give that evidence to the Court.  Maybe your female attorney is the person who explains one particular piece of evidence while your barrister explains the rest, bc he seems to be AMAZING and very skilled and competent as hell.   

COMPETENT AS HELL is what you need and you need it now, not in the next trial, THIS case.

I get nervous every time I think about you being anywhere near the stbx or her mother and even the GC at this point, under any circumstances you aren't able to record and document.

Go to the bathroom on a different floor and bring a snack so you don't have to go to the floor where the cafeteria is or eat close to stbx or her group.  EVERYTHING will be taken out of context and you can't do anything right around them, ever.  I once accidentally waved to opposing counsel,bc I'm polite and nice and was terribly nervous, and the PDs went off about it...said i was gloating and taunting them.... TAUNTING them, when I really was just in fight or flight and not thinking about where I was or what I was doing.... I was in survival mode....and it wasn't a fair representation of my little wave and smile, but that;s how these things go and WILL GO FOR YOU if you aren't being proactive and working diligently on calming your Nervous System down.

Imagine if you COULD keep you brain integrated through breathing and whatever it is you do to get out of fight or flight.

Imagine if you were calm, completely head in the game able to find and produce exactly the right evidence moments after you heard a lie by the stbx or her barrister.... and you produced it.... and did so with a calm demeanor and compassionate world view.... it's HUGE, EM.

And you just might see stbx show up in Court with her own DV advocate from an agency you contacted but didn't stay in touch with for support and important advocacy.... for information only THEY're aware of and can help you utilize.

I would suggest you have a DV advocate with you at the hearings, btw.  If it's something done in UK courts, you might want to have a few supporters standing on your side of the Courtroom, lending their belief and support to you. Your parents, if they aren't more trouble than they're worth.

If you're terribly overwhelmed and can't get through your tapes..... just go through the ONES YOU KNOW will be most effective at this emergency hearing.  You're disproving abuse by you.... 
You need the pictures of stbx's arms, the tapes of that evening and the next day IF stbx rages at all.  You need whatever tapes you have with stbx raging and violent or admitting to being violent or threatning violence..

You're trying to explain and show the Court evidence of stbx alienating GC, you're trying to help the Judge understand how harmful GC being alienated and manipulated IS and one of the most egregiously harmful things you can prove is the fact GC tried to break SG's arm, and I think you might have that on tape. You certainly have a statement by SG.... I think?

It would be good to have Forensic Child Ts weighing in on this, but I don't think you've gotten that far,but think how it would HELP a Judge understand, bc Judges tend to listen more to outside unbiased witnesses than to the litigants, IME.  You NEED to line up your expert witnesses and the forensic Ts are the ones who DO go into Court and give evidence here in the US.  Sometimes a T, who's not used to testifying, isn't a great witness....they have to be handled by the attorney to get something useful, but you can do some research and FIND the Ts who give good testimony and perhaps specialize in child alienation.

In all your spare time, of course; )

[escapingman]

Since uNPDx lodged her case with the court and got the emergency hearing, she is running a campaign to get SG over on her side. Suddenly GC is messaging SG, uNPDx engineered seeing SG at the overlap of activity and showered SG with a love bomb. Now just minutes ago SG bumped in to uNPDx and GC outside the local shop, how much of a coincidence that was I don't know but as soon as I turned up they both quickly left as if they seen a ghost. I have told SG to not go to that shop as it is the one uNPDx uses, but SG is now just shouting at me telling me she can see her mum as much as she likes. This is pure dangerous, both for herself but for the entire case. I just want to shake her into understanding this is not a game and she can't just think everything is suddenly fine. She would be eaten alive by uNPDx and GC if I loose this and she ends up back with them.

Regarding the evidence, I have about 500 voice recording over the past 2 years, probably 250 if them includes good enough evidence, but filtering it all out is the hard bit. I have concentrated on 10 very potent ones at the moment, more will definitely overwhelm anyone and they might dismiss them all or listen to the wrong parts of the wrong ones. But the ones I have includes severe verbal and physical abuse to both children, alienation of me and SG, verbal abuse against me and an all out screaming session where uNPDx was just uncontrollable screaming as if she was dying. I also have photos of bruises on my own arm after uNPDx has physically attacked me and also pictures of her with no bruises when she claims she should have had them. The hearing is only scheduled for 30 minutes and the judge is supposed to decide if I am to dangerous to see GC at all during this hearing. Then whatever decision is made will probable be in force to the next hearing which could be months. The evidence need to be presented before the hearing and the judge need to listen and watch it before, if not I am in deep trouble as (s)he won't listen during the actual hearing.

uNPDx thinks she is winning now as she got this emeregency hearing and all her "team" is on her side. I can see it as I saw her twice now and she has changed. I would love to wipe that smug face off her, but I am so worried it will be me losing this despite my evidence.

[hhaw]

Well.... I can't say I'm surprised stbx continues managing to get face to face with the SG
or that SG is suffering bc of it and conflicted and perhaps WILL be manipulated and love bombed BACK under stbx;s control....
and that's going to be interesting, bc YOU haven't managed to GEt a face to face with CG, beyond waving to her as she passes and igores you outrigt.

I guess that means stbx will be asking for you to stay away from the school zone or areas where GC can say you're making her feel unsafe or are threatening her, etc.  Makes sense that will be part of the ask at the emergency hearing.  THAT will be a huge problem for you IF you can';t be at the school to keep stbx and GC OFF SG, IMO.

I look down the road and hope you can put together 3 minutes of evidence that will GRAB the Judge by his short hairs and PROVE you're telling hte truth....PROVE the stbx is a lying abuser who alienates your shared children and is willing to sacrifice the children as needed to BEAT you.

It's a difficult thing to boil down all your evidence and discern what's going to do all the things you need to do.....
and truth be told..... sometimes it's when one is driven back on their heels, feeling beaten and hopeless before the right biochemical dump hits just right and sends you into the right super productive frame of mind to SAVE YOURSELF.

That happened for me over and over and over again,but I have to admit.... I had my sister helping me through it once we were doing our own trial prep...... SO OVErWHELMING bc my attorney just wouldn't answer her phone or give me ANY hints about how to do it. She ignored me then said she "thought hhaw knew how to do trial prep, bc of all the trials hhaw had been through."

I think your case is much simpler,with less history and you're just at the beginnig of the legals so yu should have less to organize and put together.... I know you can do it, EM.  I trust you.  Trust yourself and don't mark up your orgininal documents with different colored highligters, like we did.  Then we had to use white out and copy those documents until the marks were no longer detectable, which added many hours to our job and honestly......
I don't know exactly how to utilize tapes in court,bc I had to select the best tapes and have them transcribed, as I said, then they weren't ever used anyway.

Since you're playing yours, at least for the attorneys, I'd say you're allowed to use tape recordings AND that theyr'e considered with a good deal of weight.

I wonder what makes the stbx think she can get around your evidence and what it is about her statements the Judge will listen to. 

I wonder how upset your Judge will be IF you prove stbx is lying..... what you might GET if you come to that emergency hearing prepared to ask for everything you have the right to ask for.....

honestly.....

what would you do IF YOU GOT GC back with you.  Your life and SG's life and GC's livecs would be completely turned upside down, maybe it would feel like having a spy and a saboteur inside your home, creating chaos and confusion, lashing out all the time....
or maybe she'd just melt into your arms and be her lovely GC self?

You better think it through and I don't think  your attorneys have that information and they aren't prepared to do the research or step outside their little boxes of practice to HELP you get through this divorce with eonomy of motion.

STBX is trying to strengthen her position and weaken yours... it happens in dribbles and bits..... you have to be on you toes when ALL attorneys are used to meeting in the middle and agreeing to things that weaken your position as a matter of habit... it's just not going to work for you, EM.

I've waited till this moment to consider asking the Court for Pscyh evaluations for your family.  The Judge will likely order them for EVERYONE, bc that's how they roll, IME.

Maybe this hearing is the time TO DO that IF your Judge doesn't seem to be GETTING IT. 

It would be sad if you had to pay 20K to get those reports, instead of just taking SG to see a T who can prove your case and advocate for both children,but hey...... you have to get what you can get, and prove what yuo can prove as you can prove it.

Finding a way to have SG evaluated, esp before she's turned against you completley, is an option I hope you'll ;consider.

And remember.... do what you can do, then put the story on the shelf.

Maybe talk to SG about finding a way to get her mum the help she needs to BE safe, kind, appropriate mum ALL THE TIME.  Be gald stbx was kind and that SG enjoyed seeing her....you WANT them to have a good relationship, but also remind her of the reality, the times her mum isn't safe or making happy choices and talk about these court proceedings being what will get her mum the help she needs to feel better, heal and be the best mother she can be all the time.

I think SG might be able to get behind that WITH you?

You're doing the best you can do and you always will.  You're strength will get you through this, EM.