Hope for the future, or lack thereof

[justducky]

Perhaps some of you can relate to what I've been wrestling with for a few years now. My husband is loving and supportive, but had good parents and secure attachment. He doesn't understand my baseline negativity and sometimes get frustrated by it. I don't blame him, really. I'm frustrated too.

A quick recap of my background: uPD father who self-medicated anxiety with alcohol, enabling mother who might be a covert N, enabling sister. I'm estranged from my FOO by choice. At a young age I was aware of the dysfunction and abuse. I effectively fled once I went off to college. No kids by choice, and I was a serial monogamist for years before finally agreeing to marry my now-husband a year ago. We were together for nearly a decade before that. That notion of marriage had been terrifying to me. And I've had a boatload of therapy and (mostly?) overcome PTSD.

Despite having a supportive husband, good health, and a secure lower-middle-class lifestyle, I struggle on nearly a daily basis with hopeless and nihilism. Before anyone recommends religion, please know that I am not interested. That's a non-starter.

My hopelessness and "Why even bother trying 'cause it'll all go to hell anyway?" thoughts have worsened since the 2016 election in the U.S. (I won't say another word about politics; we're all free to have our own opinions) and then the pandemic. I'm virtually a hermit now. Since I'm not a Christian and have political views very much in the minority in my area--not that I run around shoving them in people's faces; that's not okay--I'm almost afraid to talk to people. As an introvert it suits me pretty well, but I'm more distrustful and suspicious of people I meet in real life more than ever. Even after I learned to enforce flexible, realistic boundaries with people, I've gotten burned over and over. I'm sick of it.

Earlier today I was in a Zoom meeting where several of my coworkers (who are all good people--I'm lucky!) were enthusiastic about projects, a new hire, and plans for the company.

I mostly don't care. I only care in that the company stays solvent and continues paying me for my work. I'm good at my job but wouldn't care if I never did it again in my life.

I'm mystified by my coworkers' enthusiasm. Where do they find optimism? How can they muster the energy to get their hopes up when it seems like something awful will surely happen to take it all away?  (A convergence of events and my choices/reactions to them ended my fledgling freelance career 10 years ago. I'd dared to try to achieve a dream. Silly me.)

Some days are okay. My husband and I are making progress on our fixer-upper and we enjoy our pets and hobbies. But I still can't imagine things working out, generally speaking. As for trying to find work I'm excited and passionate about? Getouttahere. That involves networking and talking to other people. It's doomed from the start, it seems.

What is wrong with me? Do I need to return to therapy? Get my meds adjusted (I've been on antidepressants forever)? Exercise more? I'm open to ideas that don't involve religion.

[pianissimo]

hopeless and nihilism

I relate. I think that I deal with nihilistic feelings/thoughts through media. This might be a thing about our time. There are comedy shows and music genres that have nihilistic edge to them. I quite enjoy them.

In my case, too much work, stress, or tiredness affects my mood a lot. Having rest helps me feel better, more hopeful.

[LemonLime]

Oh Ducky.  I'm sorry.  I'm not sure if it makes you feel better to know you are not alone.   I too struggle with the feeling of futility of it all as well as overwhelm.   I too can trace it back to the 2016 election.  And I know you and I are not alone in that......all you have to do is read the comments section of the NYT to see that (though I don't necessarily recommend that).   Daily I struggle with the question of......how are all these people around me, who also have children as I do, going about their daily business with smiles on their face when our planet and democracy are at risk....and at times it feels like it's crazy-making to not really be able to talk about this stuff, this very very important stuff, for fear of being labelled a "downer" or Nervous Nellie or a pessimist (which even my not-at-all-PD hubby has alluded that I am). 

Add to that figuring out in the past few years that my relationship with my sib was a farce, and that she will not be a trusted confidante as we age because she is PD-ish and is not capable.

The solution that I have to offer is to be present.  Bring yourself back to the present multiple times per day.   No good comes of thinking of the past or future.  Stay present.  Meditate or simply learn to re-focus on the present hundreds of times per day.   It's mindfulness.

Eckhart Tolle says something to the effect of "you cannot be simultaneously present and unhappy".    That is very encouraging I think.   It's a guarantee.  We must work to get to the present but it's possible.

Big hugs to you.   I am on Bambi-legs learning to be present.   But I'm trying.  And it does help a lot, when I can manage it.  It's a habit.
And remember we all are always here for you.

[justducky]

Thank you for your reply, pianissimo.  I agree that getting enough rest is key. When I'm sleep-deprived things get worse.

and at times it feels like it's crazy-making to not really be able to talk about this stuff, this very very important stuff, for fear of being labelled a "downer" or Nervous Nellie or a pessimist 

OMG, this. This x 1000.

These days I don't even want to talk about it much. I've accepted that this is reality and I can't do anything to change the big picture. There are small things I can do, have been doing, and will continue doing.

What I don't understand is how the majority of people--at least it seems like the majority--are able to compartmentalize or not care and just go about their lives and not feel a sense of foreboding. Like we're living in a metaphorical jungle surrounded by threats we can't quite see and are ill-equipped to handle.

Hmm. This all sounds like PTSD-related hypervigilance. Perhaps I do need to resume therapy.

Add to that figuring out in the past few years that my relationship with my sib was a farce, and that she will not be a trusted confidante as we age because she is PD-ish and is not capable.

I'm so sorry, LemonLime. That is a tough pill to swallow. I am glad that you've had the realization, though. It would be worse if you were trying to have a close relationship that wasn't healthy because she's not capable.

The solution that I have to offer is to be present.  Bring yourself back to the present multiple times per day.   No good comes of thinking of the past or future.  Stay present. ... Eckhart Tolle says something to the effect of "you cannot be simultaneously present and unhappy".    That is very encouraging I think.   It's a guarantee.  We must work to get to the present but it's possible.

Thank you for the suggestion. I will start putting it into practice today. It is encouraging; I've found that when I get out of my head and am doing something in the here and now that I enjoy, even if it's just routine chores where I enjoy the end result, that I feel better.

Stay present.

Good advice.

Thanks again!

[justducky]

Thanks for your reply, user. I'm glad that you're recovered from panic attacks!

You don't know what people are feeling inside just by looking at them. If you look at statistics, I think far more people are feeling down about things than we realize. It's dangerous to go around looking at people and thinking, "they must be doing much better than me."

Excellent points. Thank you.

Are you on social media? If so, I would suggest you delete the apps and stop checking it.

I am, but it's quite limited. None of my FOO know about my online presence, and it's not Facebook. It's my main social outlet, so I'm keeping it. Generally speaking that's an excellent suggestion.

[1footouttadefog]

It seems to me from what you post  that its like some connection to or hope you had for the world or perhaps  some aspect of your identity was in some way challenged or damaged by the events surrounding that time frame.

Perhaps therapy regarding that would be a good thing.  Additionally having a chat with your docs may be of use.  My spouse had a spell where he was very negative and flat about life.  Turns out his high adrenaline levels were causing him to filter everything through flight or fight brain chemistry.  This brain chemistry is not very conducive to forward thinking and optimism as its fir survival in tue moment.   An alpha blocker high blood pressure pill took care of it even though he does not have high blood pressure. 

When I feel tossed back by something like that I try to remember that there have been pendulums swinging through out history and ups and downs and time still matches forward and there are many great folks out there to discover in all walks of life.  I find disengaging with aspects of life wherein the popular culture is trying to fit in things into one of two boxes helps me.

No this or that box activities for me.  My world does not work that way.  No this or that news, activities or people. I want to know people beyond a this or thatdesignation, know then, there thoughts and feelings etc.  I had a friend since high school that I had to let go.  He had become a two box person and started calling me "you people" during our conversations because I refused to take a this or that stance on various topics of the day.  He had become very intense and bitter and hard to hang out with and being abused by him was the one straw too many. 

Perhaps you have things in your life that need adjusted before you can have a forward optimism. I hope you can find your hope and optimism again.  Keep believing in your self and your best possible life.

[notrightinthehead]

The way I do it is with mindfulness. Being in the presence. I am fully aware of climate change, yet when I am out and about I enjoy the flowers, the insects, the warmth on my skin. I know about inflation, yet I can afford my food now and I can fully enjoy that. I know far too much about the war very near me, yet I am safe under my blanket at night.
I would say that, like you, I am mildly depressed - who would not be with everything that is going on? - but I still have a good life, have people who like me, have small blessings and I am grateful for that.  Being grateful for what is good in my life balances out what is bad around me and what I have no control over. Trying to be the best person I can be, makes my life meaningful.

[justducky]

1footouttadefog and notrightinthehead, thank you for your thoughtful replies and suggestions.  Over the past few weeks I've made conscious choices to be more mindful and focus on positive things happening now. I haven't totally stuck my head in the sand, but am more deliberate as to where I devote my attention. Between that and adjusting my meds after consulting my doctor, my overall mood has improved. I still have down days, but they're not as intense. The hopelessness has waned some as well.

Part of my fledgling freelance career that was kneecapped in part due to an ex involved writing. It's one of the few areas of my life when I feel "flow," being totally immersed in what I'm doing.

Finally, after a 10+ year hiatus, I'm writing again. I'm doing it for the sheer joy--and admittedly the escapism--of it. No pressure to publish or make money. It's just fun.

Thank you all again for your support. 

[1footouttadefog]

So glad you are finding joy in writing., and that med adjustment helped. 

Now take back some other areas of life as you go forward even if a small bit at a time.  Fight for you you are worth it.  Self care needs to be holistic.  Physical, emotional, Intellectual, creativity, social and spiritual or nature etc.